WHAT SHE LEFT UNSAID | KAIROS GLOBAL | MARCH 2022

Author: Jith George

My eyes brim with tears as the memories of you keep coming to me, Ajna. Why do my ears still ring with the familiar sound of you calling out, ‘Jithe’? Indeed, those calls were so filled with love! When like a songbird you flew into our midst, did you ever know that people would welcome into their hearts all that you sang and spoke, dear friend?

My friendship with Ajna goes back a long way, I’ve known her well for many years. We studied together at Sacred Heart College, Thevara, and we were both part of Jesus Youth Kerala Music Ministry. When I heard that she’d been diagnosed with cancer, I rushed to her home along with our beloved Fr Sabu Thomas. The scene that unfolded before us there was more heroic than the most heroic movies. Cancer had arrived, like Goliath, to trample down her dreams and her faith; but she stood, like David, with the smooth stones of spirituality and fortitude that she’d perfected over the years! What I later saw was my dear friend preparing to move into the heart of the battle, armed with a smile.

Her long slew of operations started with replacing her jawbone with a piece of bone from her thigh. This bone was replaced several times by other bones when the onslaught of cancer got worse. When it got down to the last viable bone she said, ‘Hey, I’ve got just one precious bone left to be used on my face. The doctor said that if this doesn’t work then nothing else can be done’. With slight unease she continued, ‘Can you pray that I am able to receive Jesus every day? That’s all I need. I would not be able to go to church if I start chemotherapy’. That day I realised how much she loved Jesus even in the midst of so much pain. She loved Jesus more than her life. Perhaps that was why I never wasted any opportunity I got to spend time with her and visited often. Each of those days I spent at her home were truly holy days. Holy moments spent with a living saint!

I went to see her after that operation as well. Her hair had all fallen and the procedure had disfigured her face.  Ajna had been a really good singer, but the operation had taken away half of her lips. How would she teach with half her lips gone? How would she sing? She would never be able to sing again. Would she be able to bear this? These thoughts ran through my mind in a frenzy as I thought of how much she loved singing and teaching. As I stood before her with these distressing thoughts, she said to me, ‘Hey, this gloomy look does not suit you. Be happy’. That was when I realised that she was truly the best singer! Instead of the lamentations of pain, those partly removed lips of hers sang psalms of joy. Never before, or even after, have I seen a singer who so courageously lived the praises she sang to God. How happy she used to be when I visited her at home! She would eagerly get me to have the savouries her mother prepared. Never once did we see that sadness of a person who had not been able to have food through her mouth for months, or one who had possibly forgotten all sense of taste. That day we laughed a lot. Yes, it’s true, all Everests of sadness melted away when talking to her! When even the simplest things of life exasperate me, I visit Ajna and I start looking at life from a different perspective. She couldn’t tolerate anyone being sad around her. That was why even during the most intense pain she would remain silent, not even letting her mother know how much she was suffering. Not once would she talk about the excruciating pain, rather preferring to eagerly ask about the lives and activities of her visitors!

Ajna's name was perfect for her. The word 'Ajna' means inner eye. With this ‘inner eye’ she would see and notice what was left unobserved by others. Read minds. I am reminded of an incident which occurred on 31 October 2020. The JY Teens Ministry was organising a massive online gathering, 'TMG FINALE', and had asked Kerala Music Ministry to arrange the music for it. There was to be a grand performance by the band, 'band show' as we called it. And so, several of our bandmates had already gone shopping for new clothes the previous day. Even though I too would have liked to get a pair of new clothes, I decided against it as I didn’t have enough money. The next morning Ajna called me, ‘Jith, where are you? Can you come to Kacheripady, Ernakulam right now? It's a bit urgent’. Borrowing Fr Sabu’s bike from the college, I rushed there. Ajna was waiting with her mother in front of Seematti (a clothing store, famous in Kerala). I couldn't figure out what was going on. Gesturing me to discipline a disobedient mask that had slipped off my face, she said that she wanted to buy someone clothes, and wanted my help. She led me into the shop, towards the men's section. ‘Why are we here?’ I asked, ‘Aren’t we getting clothes for you?’ Pretending not to hear, Ajna started looking through clothes with her mother, and asked me which ones I liked. Like an expectant mother buying clothes the first time for her unborn child, she excitedly kept looking. I was dumbfounded. ‘We’re here to buy clothes for you,’ she then said. Don't tell anyone, but Jesus asked me to; it's not me, it is Jesus giving this to you.’ Instantly I felt the flood of God's love wash over me! God's love flowed down my face in twin streams. The next day, dressed in those new clothes, when we sang praises to God, I thanked Him for Ajna: the gift of a friend and truly, a soul sister.