NAVIGATING THE TURBULENT YEARS | KAIROS GLOBAL | MARCH 2022

Author: Biju Joseph

Intro: Biju Joseph shares from experience wisdom in parenting teenagers.

We are blessed with three children. The elder one is 24 years-old now. We were very particular about the faith formation of our children from their initial years. Hence we ensured their participation in the daily prayers at home, daily Holy Mass, and sent them for retreats too as often as possible. We have the habit of praying together before going to school and both of us parents bless them after prayers and pray for each one of them specially too. It’s a happy thing to share that they stick on to this prayer routine even after entering university.

We thank God for helping us handle their teenage years smoothly and we feel so proud about it. One thing we ensured was the presence of at least one parent when the kids were home. We were convinced that it was during their teenage years that they would need more attention and the company of their parents, though they appeared resilient or rebellious on the outside. Children badly need a shoulder to lean on and it’s the best when it is their parents' shoulders. My wife decided to remain a homemaker to make herself more available to the children. So, as soon as school was over, the children were happy to run home and share all that had happened in school with their mother. She waited for them with their favourite snacks every evening and it was more than enough for our children to run home at the earliest rather than roam around elsewhere. 

They always had the freedom to make fun of or even fight with us and hence all their frustrations and confusions of the age ended with us. That’s one important thing we can provide our children – a shoulder to lean on, a friend to fight with, a confidant to share secrets with and a pillar to hold on to.

Another daily habit which helped us a lot was our casual chit-chat time before daily prayer. Everything that happened in a day was shared by all of us. It also gave us parents a chance to remind them constantly that whatever we are and all that we have are only because of pure grace. This time was also utilised to give them our suggestions and tiny corrections. No grudge or tension was carried over to the next day once shared in the family.

Teenagers are on their journey to independence and they highly appreciate recognition. We have to consider them as mature individuals. Whenever we make decisions at home, we ask the opinions of our children too. Everything new at home is always done considering their interests and opinions.

Teenage years are so fragile and ought to be handled with care. It's quite natural for them to be rebellious or indifferent towards their parents. One thing we have to keep in mind is that we always have to stay close and with them, no matter how far they try to go away. It is the time for us to kneel down before our Lord too. The prayer of parents is what holds them together. Children would also appreciate having prayerful parents. The belief that parents are praying for them will give them more confidence to face life courageously.

Things don’t always fall in place and go according to our wishes. Once when our elder son was studying in the tenth standard, he became extremely upset on realising that his answer to an essay question had gone wrong in the board exam. It didn’t bother us much but he was disappointed. He was afraid that we would blame him for being careless, but instead we kept calm and consoled him saying those were small things in life and that nothing happens without the knowledge of our God. It was an incident for us to help him understand that God is good all the time, not just in our achievements but in our small failures too. It's our duty to not burden them with over expectations and pressure during their teenage years specially.

One thing we strictly hold is the faith practises and we have observed that once they are regular with it everything else falls in place. We make sure that all of us go for the sacrament of confession at least once in two weeks and we never compromise on our daily prayers or daily Mass. This I can say has laid the foundation for our kids.

Our trust helps them a lot to stay truthful and faithful. Our openness and trust will challenge them to remain open to us too. Our children have never nagged us asking for phones or any such gadgets for personal use during their teenage years. Our passwords are common at home. This creates an air of togetherness and trust automatically. Our availability is the second thing which counts in parenting teenagers. They need us always. And the feeling that we are there for them all the time strengthens the bonding and love. But it's important to ensure that our availability doesn’t over burden them or end up in over pampering. Over parenting is also a dangerous threat which spoils our children. Every interaction should be done considering their personal spaces too.

Trusting in the Lord, praying hard and loving unconditionally we become parents according to his will and wish. 

Let's not waste a second, but enjoy our precious time with God's children.

Biju Joseph lives in Singapore and was the ex-JY coordinator there.