IN FOCUS - CONFESSIONS OF AN UNCHASTE MIND | KAIROS GLOBAL | DECEMBER 2018

Intro: For her, falling into temptation was easier than avoiding it. After heart breaks and abortion, she thought there was no way out until someone was willing to accept her the way she was and marry her. Yes! There’s always a way out…

Growing up, I always wanted to be chaste, and believed firmly in sex after marriage. But in hindsight I wonder how firm my thoughts and beliefs were, and whether they were grounded in Christ.

During my years in the university, I fell astray. I was looking for love in wrong places. It’s fair for me to say that I was brought up a Christian; I knew what I had to do to be a follower of Christ, I knew when temptations came my way and how I needed to avoid it. Though I was a church going youngster, I didn’t have a personal relationship with Christ. At a certain point, it was easier for me to fall into the temptation than to avoid it. 

My world turned upside down, when I realised I was carrying a child. At that point, all I could think of was how I could cover up my mistake. I had an abortion, and not a single soul knew. I carried guilt for years, I could not face God. He kept calling, and every time there was a session of praise and worship, I would cry profusely. There was a distance I felt from God that I was not able to surpass, until a man came into my life with whom I could share my story- God sent. He listened to me intently, without judgement, and loved me for who I was. I began preparing for marriage to the man whom God showed me. This was the beginning of my journey to Catholicism. 

During my first sacrament of reconciliation, I poured out my heart to God, and while absolving me of my sins, the priest said, “God loves you and died for you.” Suddenly it felt like all my guilt just vanished, and I was a clean slate. This time the profuse crying was a sign of the joy I had received, but could not contain within. I saw fruition of Acts 3:19 “Repent, then and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” He redeemed my life from the pit, and I realised he was working on crowning me with love and compassion.

St John Paul II’s quote, “Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love,” was a challenge for us. I struggled during the first year of my marriage. Feeling forgiven and loved is easy said when the devil is constantly trying to tarnish any hope of light. We loved each other, but I was struggling with my thoughts, and instead of being fully available to my husband, there was warfare going on in my head with unnecessary thoughts of previous relationships. Personally, this is where I prayed for the gift of chastity, to be present for my husband fully, wholly and to build intimacy. The need for prayer was utmost, and the taming of a fickle mind took a lot of energy. This led to reading the journey of St. Augustine, and a strong belief that if he could become a Saint, I could at least strive for it.

Chastity within a marriage context is about experiencing each other’s presence and seeing your spouse as a gift, the most perfect gift of love for you made by Jesus Christ. Being present for my husband, and being one with him gives me so much joy, and I am sure that’s how God intended it to be. Taking on from what Jason Evert says, when we speak about chastity, we also need to have a pro-life message and be open to the procreative dimension of sex. If a child is a symbol of our love, and a gift from God, we would gladly accept it. My crown of compassion and love is being tested every step of the way, but I am learning to hold on to it and walk forward.

If I had a choice in life to change anything, it would be the abortion and I pray for the unborn child. I share my story only wishing that people do not have to go through what I have, and for a few moments of pleasure miss out of the joy of marriage and the divinity of sex within a marriage. When the world around us tells us that it is ok, only a person rooted in Christ and knowing his Word would be able to avoid temptation and view their body as the temple of the Holy Spirit. 

As Timothy says, “For God gave us a Spirit, not of fear, but of power, love and self-control.” The self- control required to remain chaste is not one that comes from within us or the society, it is a gift of the Holy Spirit and needs to be constantly exercised. The simplest of all things we see, hear, do in our daily living can all waver our human thoughts and be causes of temptation, and if the conditions are all met, self-control is lost. Not being chaste has consequences, and I wish we didn’t have to face the consequences for us to in turn value chastity and ignite the spirit of God in us. 

The author, from Adelaide, Australia chooses to be anonymous.