HIDDEN PARENTHOOD | KAIROS GLOBAL | JANUARY 2019

Author: Sherin Alexander

Intro: Sherin Alexander shares about the painful memory of her miscarriage and the comfort and bond she felt among women with similar experience

As a medical professional, I knew about ‘spontaneous abortion’, or in layman terms, miscarriage. However, knowing the condition medically did not exactly prepare me to face it and go through it. 

Since I didn’t have anyone in my close circles go through it, as I was growing up, I was oblivious to the prevalence of miscarriages. Since my miscarriage, I have learned that 15-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and 80% of those miscarriages happen during the first trimester of pregnancy. I was surprisingly shocked by the prevalence. 

As a mother to a lost baby, it was easy to feel guilty and responsible for the loss of life that was entrusted to me. While taking the steps to get medical evaluation and prevent future miscarriages, during prayer and in the consolations of my husband, I felt peaceful in accepting this too as a gift from the Lord. This scripture verse especially spoke to my heart: “As you do not know how the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything” (Eccles 11:5). Children are truly a gift from the Lord. Parents are called to be good and responsible stewards of the lives given to them. We felt privileged and humbled to be gifted with that responsibility even if it was short-term. 

As I started to open up about my experience to other faithful women, I was surprised by their own similar experiences and openness in sharing that with me. There was a special feminine bonding and consolation in the prayers and company of such mothers, mothers to angels! It was especially moving to pray the Magnificat with these women: “My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour for he has looked with favour on his lowly servant…” I also found a special closeness towards St.Gianna Molla who was a medical doctor who also experienced two miscarriages.  “Praised be the God of all consolation. He comforts us in all our afflictions and thus enables us to comfort those who are in trouble, with the same consolation we have received from him. As we have shared much in the suffering of Christ, so through Christ do we share abundantly in his consolation” (2 Corin 1:3-5). 

In the medical field, there is a tendency to view miscarriages as merely the loss of nonviable tissue and thus deny the couple the dignity of the pain of the loss of parenthood. Catholic understanding and defence of new life starting at conception helps the couple to accept the reality of their hidden parenthood. This acceptance is especially helpful and healing for the parents when the baby is lost during late first trimester and they were able to identify their baby’s body distinctively. This helps them to offer proper prayers for the baby and acknowledge their baby as a deceased family member. 

While it is painful to think that we didn’t get to hold our baby, it is a consolation to know that our baby is in the presence of the Lord. We look forward to a full family reunion in heaven. 

Sherin Alexander, a Jesus Youth, a Physician Assistant at a family practice, and a certified Marquette Model Natural Family Planning instructor lives with her husband in Florida, USA.