UNDERSTANDING SEX IN MARRIAGE | KAIROS GLOBAL | FEBRUARY 2024

Author: Selastin John

Intro: Selastin John Vadakkel brings us to a profound understanding of sex within the purview of marriage. 

The husband should fulfil his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). These words of St Paul highlight the importance of sexuality in married life, care for one's partner, the need to take decisions together, and the circumstances through which evil can get in.

Marital love is a complete self-giving as well as a complete acceptance of another person. The most important aspect of conjugal sexuality is that two unique individuals give themselves transparently to each other through a deep physical, mental, emotional, spiritual connection through marriage. Many problems in married life will cease if the man and woman realise that they are physically and emotionally different. John Gray's book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus provides an in-depth study of the difference between men and women.

Mars, Venus, and Sex

For men, sex is physical, while for women, sex is emotional. Women find fulfilment in giving birth to children and caring for them. For this reason, she is ready to forego her sex life altogether. Thinking that men have the same mental state as themselves, women find themselves sometimes abstaining from sex. It is important for man, on the other hand, to have his personality and abilities accepted and respected. The male hormone, testosterone, causes the ego to act quickly. His ego might not readily accept if the woman is more learned than him, earns more, or controls him. 

Human sexuality is a great gift to be cherished, respected and nurtured. Most couples enter marriage greatly desiring sex but without understanding it. Couples need to talk to each other and should be able to freely discuss personal sexuality and healthy sexual matters. 

A man visualises sex while a woman fantasises about it. Men are sexually aroused by the nude body of a woman – which explains the higher percentage of men as opposed to women who watch porn. Women are generally disgusted by it. But in this era of increased mobile use and anonymity, counselling experiences reveal that many girls are addicted to porn too.

A deepening of spousal love

Satisfying sex has a lot of potential to increase the intensity of love that develops in a marriage. When there is a quarrel or argument between a couple who are involved emotionally and sexually, their love for each other dies. Sexual love is understanding and stimulating even deep, tender feelings the couple have for each other by paying attention to mutual sexual satisfaction. The experience of sharing a couple's love through sexual intercourse should be exhilarating and pleasurable. Sexual pleasure can fluctuate depending on the level of sex hormones in the body, lifestyle, and physical and psychological conditions. A person can have different sexual abilities at different stages of life.

In marriage, the couple should be willing to share all the family responsibilities with each other. If marriage is a life of sharing and compromise, so must be its sexuality. Only those who can accept this fact should enter into the vocation of marriage. The first thing that is needed is the conviction that one's partner has the same freedom, feelings, thoughts and rights as oneself. Marriage should be built on trust and dependence.

As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her… (Ephesians 5:24-26). St Paul thus reveals the ultimate mission of a husband and wife for a successful marriage.

Even the Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana is not only about sex. It also throws light on how to prepare a woman for sex. Being ignorant of this matter leads, in so many cases, to marital rape. The couple should have open communication regarding sexual matters. They should talk to each other and decide on the appropriate time and place for sex. There should be sufficient preparation during the day before sex during the night. Sharing the chores together, keeping the mood light is a precursor to the sex that will happen in the bedroom.

Pay attention to women

When Vatsyayana says that one should have sexual intercourse with a woman only after seven days of preparation, the importance he gives to the emotional state of women is very high. A man may generally feel things not right if the couple do not consummate their marriage on the first night. It is highly desirable to get to know the partner’s sexual interest by talking to each other, understanding the sexually stimulating parts of the partner's body, and having their own ‘language’ for the sexual process.

Gentle touch is more effective than intense touch to arouse female emotions. Even if a woman's romantic state of mind is not acceptable to a man, women can be sexually aroused through many small things like, unexpected hugs, laughing, making them laugh, thanking them, helping, complimenting. Touch is a symbol of mutual trust in marriage. It is the best way to communicate emotions. Touching and caressing an upset partner can provide a sense of security and comfort, making sex enjoyable. Touching only during intercourse can often be suggestive. A person who appropriately touches the partner's body makes contact with the partner's soul. The attitude of 'I' changes to the attitude of 'we' and nurtures both. Although humans do not have the ability to smell their mate and be stimulated as animals do, those who like their mate's scent are more attracted to each other.

Open communication

Many couples waste many years by way of ignorance about sex. Talk openly about the sensation of touching each other during intercourse. Both people, especially the man, can understand each other only if they know where the feelings are aroused when they are touched. A couple's love needs to grow beyond the genitals. But unfortunately, it is often reduced to a mere sexual relationship. 

A successful sex life can only be achieved by knowing more about the structure of the female body - especially the genitals. The clitoris is a small button-like organ at the top of the vagina that causes sexual arousal in women, similar to the male penis. Vital to orgasm, this organ is where around eight-thousand nerves end. Modern science has also discovered a sexual arousal centre called the G-spot in the shape and size of a pea, under the bladder on the front wall of the vagina.

Nerves decrease as you go inside the vagina – a precaution because many nerves are damaged during childbirth. And unlike what men may think, length of the penis does not cause orgasm as sexual arousal is low in this area. The length and girth of the male penis varies according to physical and hereditary factors. It is a sponge-like organ with many small chambers. During emotional arousal, blood rushes into these chambers and the penis becomes firm like a strong rod, ready for vaginal entry. If men can sustain their arousal for about five to ten minutes, women, half-an-hour. When a man's sexual arousal ends, it may not have started for the woman. 

During intercourse, blood flow increases in women and muscles become tense. The uterus and fallopian tubes vibrate and the whole body tenses up in a fast, rhythmic movement. Studies have shown that at this time, about forty fluids, including many beneficial hormones and chemicals, are secreted out of the brain.

The more external attention given, the more intensely will the woman experience sex. Sometimes the woman, fearing losing her husband’s love, fakes sexual satisfaction. But this often results in frustration, increased quarrels with the husband, or unnecessary disciplining of the children. A lot of physical and mental pain can be attributed to this. According to research, 20% of women never reach orgasm in their life. 40% of women have only partially gone through this experience. Most men have the impression that the penetration of the penis into the vagina is very pleasurable. Ignorance of sexuality leads to many objects being inserted into the vagina to seek pleasure. This is completely counter-factual, non-value-based and a cause of disaster.

When both enjoy

Both men and women have their own sexual rhythms, which differs from person to person. It is important to recognise that sexual interest is as unique as our handwriting, smell, or appearance. Seeing the body, tasting it, hugging it, kissing it, caressing it, feeling it – sex should be a profound experience. The connection of naked bodies is what makes sex enjoyable. Sexual intercourse should happen completely naked as much as possible. There, clothes should not be a hindrance in any way. The man and the woman were naked, but they were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25). But when most couples start having sex with only their underclothes off, pleasurable sex is destroyed and the satisfaction of the man's desire is replaced. This can lead to sexual numbness in women if made habit. And if given the chance, it can lead to extra-marital relationships and even divorce. 

For women, although sexual organs are centres of arousal, the neck, back of the ears, abdomen, armpits, feet, nipples, and other parts of the body too lead to sexual pleasure. The arousal of emotions is centred on the male genitalia. The crown of the penis is the emotional centre of the male and any touch there is arousal. Lips, tongue, limbs and whole body can be used to arouse the partner's sexuality. A kiss on the lips should be able to spread throughout the body. But this may not be so for everyone. A person’s interest will differ depending on the situation they grew up in, sexual knowledge, hygiene, and mental health. Touching and stimulating the breasts should be the end of this phase. Trying to stimulate the breasts with enthusiasm at first is likely to be offensive to the woman.

Sexual pleasure is very important for both parties in a healthy sexual relationship. After ejaculation, the man having been satiated, turns away, which is a big problem in most marriages. For the woman, the return to previous state after sexual intercourse, is gradual. This is when she is at the peak of energy and happiness. At this point, the husband should thank her for the experience with kisses and caresses. It can be with words also. Most men fail miserably in this regard. TV, literature, porn movies, and alcohol are destroying the majesty of marriage as it distorts the marital dharma expressed through the couple's most secret mutual gift. Those who are addicted to these find it difficult to have a good relationship with their partner.

Genital hygiene is very important. Clean genitals increase the interest of the partner. Odour of sweat, lack of hygiene during menstruation and lack of hygiene after defecation – all these can put off the partner.

Problems and solutions

Sexual problems in men take the form of premature ejaculation and impotence, while in women it is impotence and painful intercourse. Recognising the times and ways in which a partner experiences sexual satisfaction is very helpful for sexual fulfilment. Here, the couple need to discover together. Satisfying sex does not involve the speed of only one person. Patience, consideration, and practise are what make the act satisfying for both. Sex is an uphill climb. 

It can be said that good sexual relationship in marriage ensures a lack of family problems. Naturally the number of children will increase and they will be good. That is why Sirach says, With three things I am delighted, for they are pleasing to the Lord and to human beings: Harmony among relatives, friendship among neighbours, and a wife and a husband living happily together. Sexuality is a profound reality. Therefore, its language is also deep. Having a good partner is not the most important thing for a successful marriage. It's about being a good partner.

A partner should not feel threatened in any way when discussing sexual needs with one’s partner. The partner should not feel inferior. Do not under any circumstances bring up the other’s shortcomings when arguing. A word spoken once can seriously affect your sexual relationship with your partner.

A noble good

Sexual purity is the spiritual force that frees love from selfishness and aggression. Pope Saint John Paul II has taught us to grow out of the selfish tendency to use one's partner for sexual gratification and to protect love and see sex as a noble good to love one's partner.

If there is dissatisfaction and tension between the couple because of sex, even if all other circumstances are good, life will not be satisfactory. For a healthy family relationship, the couple must have a common space. Likewise, everyone needs a place of their own. It is a problem of the new age that due to work load, one does not get time to know the sexual needs of one’s spouse, fulfil them and share love. Abstaining from sexual intercourse is not recommended for this reason. It may lead to various misunderstandings and doubts. Any method of depositing sperm anywhere other than inside the vagina during sexual intercourse is contrary to Church teaching and is wrong.

Many women experience postnatal depression as several hormones present during the pregnancy come to a sudden halt with labour. It is during this period that most mental changes occur in women. This is the time to be very careful with one’s sex life. Postnatal depression can at times become so strong that it leads the mother to kill her own child. 

Sex is a physical act. But it is also a celebration of the emotional, intellectual and spiritual union of the couple. It is an entirely reciprocal act. If utilised properly, pleasure, comfort and satisfaction are important. Never again shall they be one flesh (Mark 10:8). St John Chrysostom says that there is nothing that binds life so deeply together as the love of a couple. The bed should be the altar of the house; sexuality the couple’s ‘mass’. Virtue is not in abstaining from sex, but in engaging in it.

Not only is sex good for the brain, but it's also a good exercise that burns around 300 to 500 calories. It also deepens the love for one’s spouse. It has been scientifically proven that the hormone oxytocin, which is released by small glands in the brain during sex, is very helpful in deepening the psychological bond with one’s partner. And the brain releases the pleasure chemical dopamine, as a reward for satisfying sex.

In short, sex is a sacred act that pours out many life-giving graces. Marriage becomes meaningful when Eros, the love of a man and woman, grows into AGAPE, which gives itself as a gift to the other.

Selastin John Vadakkel is a retired higher secondary school principal and secretary of the pro-life wing of the Kerala Catholic Bishops' Conference. A regular speaker on family and pro-life matters to married couples, Selastin lives in Thalassery, India with his wife Lincy Mary. They have four children, one of whom is with the Lord.