LOOKING BACK ON IT WITH WISDOM | KAIROS GLOBAL | APRIL 2024

Zero-tolerance God?!

Hindsight is often a fount of 'lessons to be learnt' and an opportunity of making peace with events/situations that have occurred in the past. It is quite rare that one is able to go a step further and laugh about it. Of the many things that ran through my head, there is one in particular that I would like to share. 

During my childhood, my mom had purchased a daily children’s Bible for my sister and myself. It’s a brilliant book for kids with a small reading for each day of the year printed on a picturesque background to capture the young reader’s mind. I vividly remember the reading wherein Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt as she looked back at the home she was leaving behind (Genesis 19:26). Another reading that caught my attention was when Uzzah was struck down as he attempted to prevent the ark from falling (2 Samuel 6:7). These two readings made me think of God the Father as a disciplinarian who had zero tolerance for mistakes. I therefore would be very attentive during Mass and prayers for fear that not paying attention even for a second would arouse God’s anger on poor little me. And I did this for years! I thought the only way to make it to heaven was to follow the rules to the T, never falter and in a way earn my way. As I grew up, I realised that this was impossible to achieve on my own. I began noticing those around me weren’t on high alert during Mass or prayers. Rather they had reverence out of love for God. 

The Divine Mercy and the Sacred Heart of Jesus are now my strength, my refuge, my solace and my consolation in my moments of err! Looking back, a smile runs through my face at my silliness and my focused determination to do my best to not turn into a pillar of salt!

Serena Dsouza, USA

***

Then... Now

More than four decades ago, during my high school years, an incident occurred during the work week associated with Gandhi Jayanthi (birthday of Mahatma Gandhi). Some of us boys decided to go to a nearby river for a bath. However, this was discovered by the school authorities, leading to a situation where we were required to bring our parents to school. For me, it was a nightmare as I was certain of facing severe punishment at home as well. For the next three days, during school hours, we spent the time in a nearby plantation as we were unable to enter the classroom or inform our parents. It seems that the headmaster understood my predicament, as he did not rescind the instructions but instead counselled my father not to be too harsh with me. The stress and strain I experienced during those days were indescribable, but now it's a pleasant memory.

Another time, I faced a daunting challenge: getting my father’s signature on the progress card having my dismal marks. Succumbing to temptation, I resorted to altering the marks to avoid confrontation. However, returning the card meant another round of alterations, risking detection by my keen-eyed teacher. Before the vacation, he subtly hinted that he knew of my deceit, yet chose not to confront me. The vacation days were fraught with anxiety as I awaited the repercussions of my serious transgression. Whether the teacher genuinely forgot or merely pretended to, no action was taken against me. Nevertheless, it was a period of agonising uncertainty, akin to walking on hot coals.

Dr Chackochan Njavallil, India

***

The Witness of a Sceptic

The buzz about the JaaGo conference was in the air a few months prior to the actual event. The more I got to hear about the conference, the more I grew sceptical of the impact this mega- event would have on the hearts of the young people involved. Being penny-wise myself, the large sum of money being poured into it made me uncomfortable. Over the years, I have grown fond of the quiet, intimate, and non-flashy form of prayer and spirituality, so I was majorly concerned about how the 17,000 souls attending the conference would experience Jesus in a personal and authentic way. I have come to believe that, when the noise dies down, what remains is the stillness that one must enjoy in the Lord. Hence, when everyone around me was excited, I was not keen on being part of the JaaGo conference.

It was through the insistence and persuasion of my husband, which I now understand as the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I had the privilege of attending the conference. I expected the experience to be like the World Youth Day in Poland that I was part of back in 2016, but this experience proved to be more profound for me. With a message, a testimony, an encouraging word, an inspiration at every nook and corner, be it through the thought-provoking sessions, even the ones we accidentally attended or coincidental interactions with old friends or the grace filled time of adoration, it was as though the whole conference was carefully curated just for me. It felt as though God had handpicked experiences and carefully crafted the messages, as though communicating with me was all that he cared about. I was left spellbound when Abba answered all my questions and doubts, even the ones I didn’t know I had. What was amazing was that even my friends came up to witness similar experiences!

Once back home, all I could think about was the first sermon after Pentecost, when the Apostle Simon Peter preached to people from every nation in Jerusalem, but each person heard the message of God in their own native language (Acts 2:5-11): The JaaGo conference was a great success, with the seeds of faith sown in thousands of hearts, while we now reap the manifold harvest in God’s kingdom. One of the things I learned is to shift my focus from what is seen and known, to God, who is the Almighty, All-knowing, Omnipresent and Personal God of mine.

So from now on, when in doubt, I’m fixing my eyes on Him!

- Shanice Castelino, India

***

A Little Less Terrified

My kids are blessed with a mother who is always there for them…to help them stay on top of the game. Thankfully for them, I can’t be after all three of them at the same time.

As with gravity, as grades go up, the marks go down. Numbers dipping below my red line would get me more paranoid than if my savings had been swallowed by a stock market collapse. Every dip in percentage meant my daughters wouldn’t get into a university and would have to spend their life mopping floors or doing something equally mundane.

Today, Sanaya is studying law in what is arguably the best law university in India. Sansya is in grade 12th and has already got admission to the institute of her choice. Shawn is still struggling in his grade 7 and faring worse than his sisters did, but he now has a wiser mother who has realised her nagging was unnecessary.

What changed? I’ll share my secret: Isaiah 54:13.

All your children will be taught by the Lord and great will the peace of your children… not strictly intended to mean success in education…but it works for me.

As my faith has gone up and my fear has gone down, my children’s lives have become a little happier.

Jyothsna Dsouza, India

***

The Fearful Mrs S

In fourth grade, I came to a new school in a new country and with rules that were new to me – a head master’s daughter. A couple of months later, we had our sports day in the open ground opposite the school and were supposed to sit house-wise. Both my best friends were in Neptune House while I was in Jupiter, where I had no friends. So I decided to go along with them in the Neptune group. Just before the school gate, Mrs S was standing and keeping watch. An extremely strict and severe person, she was the head of Neptune House, and knew my father! Seeing me in the line, she beckoned and asked me matter-of-factly, ‘Are you in this house?’ My 10-year-old mind panicked and I lied. ‘Yes Ma’am,’ I said. Mrs S said nothing and let me go. Though relieved for those first few moments, soon guilt began to eat me up. Would I have to sneak into Neptune House assemblies just to ‘prove’ my lie? I wondered considering the idea. A few minutes after settling into the Neptune camp, I went back to the seating area of Jupiter House. 

Mrs S never said anything to me after that. But all my school life, I was plagued with the guilt of that day. Being someone who kept matters to herself, that incident just kept spinning more and more cobwebs in my mind. Every time I saw Mrs S in school, I hung my head down in shame – all the way till my 12th!

Now as a mother, I try my best to keep the channels of communication open with my daughter. I try my best not to burden her with guilt. I try to help her understand that it’s alright to make mistakes as long as we are sorry about it and have learned from them. And sometimes I tell these to myself too!

Tania Rose Josun, India