THE VITAL F-WORD: FORGIVENESS | KAIROS GLOBAL | MARCH 2024

Author: Binu Mathews

Intro: Binu Mathews writes about practising forgiveness in marriage.

Marriage is a sacrament founded by God even before Original Sin. Not just the man and woman, God also partakes in it. Through the sacrament of marriage, God envisages companionship and openness in the life of the couple. Marriage is a divine call. It is the drawback of today’s youth who do not understand that beckoning, making marriage complicated. Living-together is never a divine call. Marriage is something that should be blessed by the Church, parents, society and God. Only then does marriage become a sacrament. 

In the earlier stage of their life together, a woman is transplanted to a new atmosphere and place. For her, her husband’s household, situation, surroundings, etc. all are different from that of her parents’. She needs care, love and tolerance from her husband’s side. It is God who bonds the couple and helps them continue their life with patience. We are called to freedom through marriage.

Two people, raised in different livelihoods, and circumstances, would reflect their characters and display their differences. Small fights might lead to enormous conflict. Men will not be ready to let go of their stubbornness; women may act similarly. In such cases, the family’s life won’t be peaceful. In these situations, prayer is the only way to bind your family together. The panacea to resolve all the problems is the phrase ‘I love you’. If this magic spell is uttered by any man or woman to their partner, they would return to the art of love.

The effect of social media in our lives makes marriages unhealthy. Marital love is pure self-giving. Loving your partner in any circumstance is the symbol and basis of marital love. When the inner feeling changes from ‘me’ to ‘we’, our ego, our stubbornness will all disappear. The best example of this is Mother Mary and St Joseph. The Good News for Mary was shared by the Angel Gabriel. Joseph gets this message through a dream. Angels deliver life-altering messages and leave swiftly. There may be many such angels in our marital life who have helped us through adversities. We seldom remember them. Couples who read this article should remember such angels in their lives. 

We need utmost patience in marital life. Jesus taught us how to be patient in Matthew‬ 18:22, Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. Only this move will make your family resemble the Holy Family. It will take time to adjust and agree during the initial days of marriage, but it gets easier as time passes. Offspring are the gift of a healthy relationship between man and woman. It should not be contemplated with worldly or earthly ambition but with pure love.‬‬

The couple should do things together. They should talk to each other. For that, they have to spare quality time. Praying together and having dinner together is important to deepen the bond.  If there are any differences in their opinion, one should forgive endlessly. Catholic marriage is stable and committed.

When a man and woman live a life of patience, it influences others too. They are also drawn to Jesus. This is also a form of evangelisation. An ordinary pine tree turns into a Christmas tree. If you can forgive your spouse, your life would become just like a beautiful Christmas tree.

The sacrament of marriage is partaking in the discipleship of Jesus Christ. Each family is called to be with Christ and purify themselves with his love. Each partner is supposed to love their better half as Christ loved his Church. Family is the domestic church, and its base is the sacrament of marriage. The Second Vatican Council viewed marriage as a means of purification and grace and established that the married couple are also dedicated to Christ. One who loves their spouse like Christ loves Christ himself. They also exhort the Lord’s saying in 1 John‬ 4:16‬ that ‬‬God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them. 

These days trust issues are popping up like mushroom. Social media and third-party influences also cause problems in marital life. But, the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through her husband (1 Corinthians‬ 7:14‬).

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! (James‬ 3:5‬‬‬). The tongue is a major organ to be used carefully in a relationship. For that, intercession to Mother Mary would be helpful. The thoughtless use of the tongue is a major contributor to problems in the family. If you are in such a position, don’t hesitate to ask for absolution from Jesus. In my life, when I asked for forgiveness, it felt like a confession to me. Our partner awaits to forgive us. This is a give-and-take policy.

If we forgive our partner, we become one in Christ. I forgive my partner as I value the sacrament of marriage. 

If the couple quarrels, don’t hesitate to forgive. Don’t hesitate to be small in front of your partner. If Christ forgave the ones who crucified him, why can’t we? Christ didn’t feel humiliated; he didn’t feel small. Instead, he just conquered the world with his Resurrection. My children, if you are not ready to forgive, please remember God who became a sacrifice for you. The ones with grace must forgive. 

Binu Mathews runs an engineering business. He lives in Trivandrum, India with his wife Axina and their two children.