THE PERFECT SPOUSE: WHEN ILLUSIONS SHATTER | KAIROS GLOBAL | MARCH 2024

Author:  Mrudula George

Intro: What should a couple do when faced with shattered expectations? Mrudula George’s article is for every married couple.

Have you ever assembled a jigsaw puzzle? An ‘n’ number of pieces that look so very meaningless until they are interconnected to form a perfect frame. Marriage sometimes resembles a jigsaw puzzle. We don’t know where some pieces fit, some pieces look inappropriate, some appear irrelevant. But when all are finally attached together this wonderful institution of marriage becomes the most beautiful experience one can have in life.

A flawless, perfect wedding is everyone’s dream. It surely becomes the most memorable day in one’s life. While talking to a close friend of mine who got recently married, she said, ‘I wish I never got married. I was much happier earlier. My husband is not the person I expected. He is short-tempered and I am not able to cope up with his temper.’ She was in despair. 

Marriage becomes challenging and burdensome when our expectations about married life do not line up with reality. What kind of a spouse were you expecting when you were preparing for your marriage? The list usually contains these keywords: loving, caring, understanding, encouraging, etc. But what we tend to forget is that marriage is a union between two imperfect people. It is a covenant made by an imperfect man and an imperfect woman in the presence of the Holy Trinity. 

At times our focus turns to finding out the imperfections of our spouse. All of us are imperfect. Often young people enter into the sacrament of marriage with huge expectations. All these perceptions which are influenced by their family, friends, social media, etc., sometimes are too good to be real. When reality hits hard, they find it difficult to digest. The situation turns into a depressing and hopeless one. The dream of a perfect spouse becomes shattered when we forget that we all are humans with weaknesses. Falling is human. Rising is divine. The Good News is that two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labour; if either of them fall down, one can help the other up (Ecclesiastes 4:9). The Lord expects the husband and wife to lift each other up and to strive towards the perfection of soul. It is easy to lose patience and get irritated while focusing on the flaws of our husband/wife. But remember the Word of God, Love endures everything (1Corinthians 13:7). Most of the time the tiniest of tiny issues are the beginning for many downfalls. I remember one of my friends had an issue with his wife that she was not closing the doors of the wardrobes after use. Such simple things become a burden to many when they have to live the situation daily. 

The Lord has called us to the vocation of holy matrimony with a definite plan. Therefore, all these problems that arise in our path should be taken as opportunities to chisel ourselves. Scripture speaks about marriage as a mystery as in the mystery of the Holy Trinity. It is evident that marriage is not a human institution, rather a divine one. Hence the role played by God is the most important one in marriage. The space given to God by the couple in marriage determines the beauty of their marriage. When God is in command, the imperfections of your spouse do not make you disheartened. However, they are all golden opportunities for you to grab to create better versions of yourselves. 

Two golden words – FORGIVENESS and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE should never be outside our marriage. If we let go of any of these two, it creates a void in married life. The Catechism (1615) states, ‘This unequivocal insistence on the indissolubility of the marriage bond may have left some perplexed and could seem to be a demand impossible to realise. However, Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy – heavier than the Law of Moses. By coming to restore the original order of creation disturbed by sin, he himself gives the strength and grace to live marriage in the new dimension of the Reign of God. It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to ‘receive’ the original meaning of marriage and live it with the help of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ's cross, the source of all Christian life.’ The only way to be in this promised sacramental grace is through forgiving and unconditionally loving your spouse. This of course is a herculean task. But do not be in doubt because Scripture assures us again, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). 

Marriage is an intimate lifelong communion of love. Do not mistake married life for the destination. It is just the journey towards the destination. The grace imparted through this sacrament of love is what makes couples perfect for each other. Their life may have many ups and downs, but in grace they are bound together to love each other and lift each other up in downfalls.  The couple hold each other’s back in love and patience. Loving and accepting the imperfections of the spouse help them to achieve holiness together. This journey helps the husband and wife and their children taste heaven. 

When the mystery of marriage unfolds it is the mystery of Lord’s love that evolves. It is easy to say ‘I quit’. But to perseverance is what we are called to. It is the greater mission. In the image and likeness of God we are created and so shall we live. A life of love which surpasses all our doubtfulness and a life of forgiveness which will always help us to go forward. If hopes are shattered, pick up those shattered pieces and connect it with forgiveness and unconditional love to create a perfect frame of grace. Never stop working on your marriage, it is the Lord’s dream.  Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts (Colossians 3:14-15).

Pope Francis says in his homily on the feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, ‘It is normal for the husband and wife to argue: it’s normal. It always happens. But my advice is this: never let the day end without having first made peace. Never! A small gesture is sufficient. Thus, the journey may continue. Marriage is a symbol of life, real life: it is not ‘fiction’! It is the sacrament of the love of Christ and the Church, a love which finds its proof and guarantee in the Cross. My desire for you is that you have a good journey, a fruitful one, growing in love. I wish you happiness. There will be crosses! But the Lord is always there to help us move forward.’

Pointers: 

• Stop complaining.

• Start looking for positives.

• Never go to sleep without having made peace.

A teacher by profession, Mrudula George is a full-time mom. She lives in Calicut, India with her husband Dennies Mathew and their four beautiful children.