THE JOURNEY BACK TO GOD'S WILL | KAIROS GLOBAL | NOVEMBER 2023

Author: Joachim Antao

Intro: Joachim Antao opens up about his younger, lack-of-faith years, how he was brought back, and the deeper meaning of trials and crosses in life.

God has a Plan and Path for everyone to Sainthood

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You beset me behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it (Psalm 139:1-6).

For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am wondrously made. Wonderful are your works! You know me right well; my frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them (Psalm 139:13-16)

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!  (Psalm 139: 23-24)

Faith and Life Growing Up

My sister and I were born to caring Catholic parents, who wanted us to have everything they did not. Though originally from Goa, India, we grew up in Kuwait; the sole purpose of being there was to forge ahead economically, that was the focus of our lives. Early on the need to study hard and get well-paying jobs was instilled into us. Faith was limited to going to Church on Saturday evening. Save Mass and confession (I didn’t know how to do this well), prayer was non-existent at home. Once during a stayover at a Catholic friend’s house, I learnt to my embarrassment that I did not know how to pray the Rosary or other Catholic prayers. My mother prayed the Rosary, but she never asked us to join. We were too busy studying, playing or watching TV. I received my First Holy Communion but it would be remiss to say I remembered anything from Catechism class. This was life till high school and returning to India for higher studies.

Life in India

Leaving home wasn’t difficult as I adapted easily to new places. I spent three-and-a-half years doing my engineering degree from a college in Gujarat, India. This, a norm for middle class Indians, was the path chosen for me by my father. 

By God’s grace, the college I applied into had students from all over India. A group of Goans were already there and they helped me assimilate. In addition, they would go to Church on Saturday evening, kindling the tiny flicker of faith within me. But faith was limited to Mass on Saturdays. I don’t recall going to confession during my time in Gujarat. My faith was slowly waning, Mass was just a ritual to complete.

Passage to US: God’s hand guiding me

1990: I spent a year in India applying for the GRE and again by God’s grace, I ended up at Iowa State University in Ames, USA. Now I say by God’s grace because my GRE results were nullified – I had to retake them– which meant I was pushed out another 6 months. Despite applying to 10 universities, only two would accept me based on my undergrad scores. I ended up choosing Iowa State as I would have a better chance of funding my education. This was all part of God’s plan. Iowa State was my last choice for university, but it was what God wanted.

Life at Iowa State

My start was rough. Just before I was to begin, Iraq invaded Kuwait and my parents were stuck there. I was on my own just like them. My parents could not send funds. After a month, again by God’s grace, I managed to get an assistantship doing research. Two-and-a-half months into the Iraqi occupation, my parents got evacuated to India. 

It was at Iowa State, I met my wife-to-be, Myrna. She was to be one of the key influences to my turnaround. Myrna is a devout Catholic from Guatemala. She would become the sower in my life, sowing the seeds for my turnaround as a Catholic but my soil was not fertile. It would take another 17 years. 

My first semester, I went for Mass sometimes dragging my good Mexican friend and dorm mate. By the second semester, seduced by the American way of life, especially that at college, I stopped going for Mass completely. Myrna on the other hand, would go to Mass regularly and even attend protestant prayer sessions with her roommate to keep her faith alive and stay away from the partying that most undergraduate students looked forward to at the end of day and weekends. I got engaged in social activities at school and stretched my college life to almost 4 years, instead of the usual two-and-a-half years. My faith was almost gone.

Initial life in US after school

1992: Myrna graduated and returned to Guatemala after finishing her journalism degree. I finished a year-and-a-half later and moved to Florida with a friend, who was already working. I did go to Mass sometimes but there was a large disconnect between how I lived and my faith.

Trials with wife-to-be and First Adoration

1995: I moved to Illinois, specifically to Forest Park, a suburb of Chicago after 6 months and struggled to find a job. God’s grace again stepped in just as my job hunt duration was expiring and I would have had to find another way of remaining in the US.  The pay was way below what I expected but I had no choice as I only wanted my work permit to be approved.

With a job in hand, and work permit approved after about three months, I asked Myrna to join me in Chicago, with no qualms about the moral aspects of living with a partner without being married. She on the other hand had decided that she wanted to break up as she was not keen on moving to the US and I at that time was not willing to move to Guatemala. After several tear-filled conversations on the phone where I was ready to give up, she relented and moved to Chicago. 

Our struggles continued as her attempts at finding a job came to nought. She struggled with being discriminated against for her accent, her imperfect English, and her abilities. Her health deteriorated due to stress. We argued frequently about inconsequential things but underlying was the dissatisfaction of life due to struggles of her lost career and my desire to control everything especially the finances. Things reached an all time low. 

While establishing a life in Forest Park, IL, we met a couple of women who were in our church, who were the driving force to organise Eucharistic adoration and First Saturday devotions. At the time I had no idea what adoration was nor was I familiar with any devotions.  Myrna got involved with them volunteering and I went to my first adoration. It was here Myrna explained to me who Jesus was and where he was, in the monstrance and what was going on. I was stunned. All this time, I never made the connection between receiving communion and Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. My catechesis was that poor. During that adoration, the first seed was planted. I had no idea what was going on, but at least I got to realise who I was receiving. 

We went sporadically, not realising that that was where we actually needed to be. In the meantime, my relationship with my parents deteriorated given me living with Myrna without being married in Church. During this time, I changed jobs, we got married civilly and were hoping to get married in church in Goa the following year.

After a lot of back-and-forth drama with my parents, Myrna and I got married at our church in Forest Park, with just the resident priest and two witnesses. That was our wedding. We were happy to be blessed through the sacrament of holy matrimony. But the most important turning point for me was going to my first confession in about 25 years. I did an examination of conscience for the very first time and I reflected on my sinful life all through. I realised that I had to make changes, which I started to do.

Along the way, my wife one day posed the question about poverty in India and how I felt about it. I had lived in Bombay for a year and saw poor people everywhere but always walked around them never giving a second thought. But her question struck me this time and I had no answer. I dwelled on it and this led me to a point where I began to question the purpose of my life. What gifts has God given me that I need to use? Was I doing what I was supposed to do? I delved into finding what one's gifts were and how to discern them, read several books, kept searching and looking but never once did I turn to God to ask him. 

A move to Europe

My job involved a lot of travel within the US, and to Asia and Europe. In 2006, I got the opportunity to go and work in Germany, where we had operations. We travelled whenever we could to all the major cities and holy places like Lourdes, Fatima, Prague, Rome, etc. In every major city, Myrna would go visit all the churches and I found myself complaining, especially in Rome. But God was trying to make me see beauty and his presence wherever we went. But I was not there yet, personally.

Fatima

November 2007, we travelled to Lisbon, Portugal for a week. Our plan was a day trip to Fatima. This was the beginning of our Blessed Mother getting to me. The gentleman at the information counter beautifully and patiently explained everything that happened with Lucia, Francisco and Jacinta. As I listened, I felt my soul stirring. From there we walked the Stations of the Cross which included places of the Angel’s apparition to the children. These struck me even more than I imagined: the messages of the Angel were profound in telling the little children that they must pray for sinners and suffer for them, realising I was that sinner. My heart and soul were opened that day and I returned changed. 

I started praying the Rosary, listening to EWTN, and looking forward to visiting churches and learning the history of those magnificent places of worship. Our trips were now focused on visiting the tombs of saints, venerating them and understanding their lives and sacrifice. My understanding of the faith grew as I watched programmes on EWTN like Mother Angelica Live, Journey Home, etc. 

As we visited villages and towns, learning how the Catholic faith made it to these far-flung places, and the saints who came from there as a result, it felt like heaven on earth. Also, the one constant – our Blessed Mother was always present. We would come up on Marian shrines along our trips that made us realise that she was with us on our journey of faith. The place that held a special place in my heart was Paray Le Monial and Ars in France. Paray was where Jesus appeared to St Margaret Mary Alacoque, and asked her to spread the Sacred Heart devotion; Ars was where we had Saint John Mary Vianney, Cure of Ars the patron saint of all priests. Both places exuded so much peace. You could feel the presence of the saints there.

Return to US and Next Phase of our Faith Journey 

Our time to return to the US came and looking back we realised that God was preparing us for the trials to come.

Within months of our returning to the US, my father, back in India, discovered he had colon cancer, and passed away a few months later. My wife’s home in Guatemala was burgled during our first ever Christmas visit there. We lost our passports and green cards and could not return to the US for almost 5 weeks because my passport had to be issued from India; losing my job of 17 years, followed by losing the next job after 9 months; my sister lost her husband under difficult circumstances; my job giving me the option to get laid off or take a role in a neighbouring state, forcing me to work and live weekdays there and come home only on the weekends; my wife’s sister developing liver cancer and us deciding to go support her till the end – a sacrifice we felt we had to make. Lived there for a year and now Myrna is there, despite her own health issues, continuing to sacrifice by taking care of her mother, who has no one to depend on. 

We were able to go through these trials only because of our understanding of the faith and the meaning of the cross. These trials helped us understand our faith more. Coupled with reading the scriptures, the Lauds and Compline we were beginning to understand the will of God. The cross, which we were being asked to take up, was for our salvation and for the salvation of others.

We have started tithing and going to Latin Mass because of the reverence and beauty in the celebration of the Holy Sacrifice. Slowly trying to detach ourselves from the things that keep us away from Jesus; i.e. our weaknesses, our pride, our earthly desires, etc.

We are learning that everything occurring is part of God’s plan and we need to cooperate with it. Doing God’s will is truly our focus on going forward. Saint Alphonsus Ligouri says, ‘the more one unites his will with the divine will, the greater will be his love of God. The greatest glory we can give to God is to do his will in everything.’ Jesus carried out his Father’s will, so we too are called to follow in Jesus’ footsteps, as he is the way, the truth and the life and no one can come to the Father except through him.

What I have come to Learn

Only one thing matters, the salvation of our souls and only one thing needs to be feared, sin (from the Novena of the Holy Spirit). This is the only thing that God cares about.

God has a plan and it is up to us to cooperate with it or not. God gave us free will, with the hope that we would put him first and love him above all. But we are with original sin and we struggle to put God first.

Trials are our cross which Jesus asks us to carry every day, as this is the only path to heaven. Most of us do not understand why we have trials in life; instead of asking God why, we should be asking for the grace to bear this for him. Jesus bore the cross for his Father, because he wanted to do his Father’s will and in doing so, opened up heaven for us. 

Can we not do the same for our Father in heaven and in doing so help ourselves, those close to us and those in need get to heaven?

Joachim Antao is an engineer living in the suburbs of Chicago, USA. His wife currently resides in Guatemala, taking care of her elderly mother.