TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR FAMILIES | KAIROS GLOBAL | FEBRUARY 2021

Author: Mathew Joseph Kaniyampady

Intro: Mathew Joseph shares relevant pointers for living and witnessing Christ in the family.

Family is the domestic Church and marriage happens in heaven. But it is a challenge to live a family life witnessing Jesus every day and to bring children up in faith. I want to share ten challenges that we faced as a family. We practice them as Ten Commandments for a successful family life. 

A Successful Marriage is about finding a Partner who complements you 

I have seen many people looking for a life partner with similar interests, same profession, similar hobbies and tastes. Ours was an arranged marriage and we have totally opposite tastes and interests.  But we enjoy those differences. We understand that our strengths and differences complement each other.  

We have totally opposite food habits. My wife was a vegetarian at the time of marriage, and I was a non-vegetarian. But gradually she took a liking and now we both like non-vegetarian food.  

We have totally opposite prayer styles. I like personal contemplative prayer while she likes praying the Rosary. Even now we continue to have this difference, but I join the family prayer where we pray the Rosary. I understand that, more than my personal preference, Rosary and family prayer are the unifying factors in our family.  

We work in totally different professions and we have different interests and hobbies. But when we discuss our work, interests and hobbies every day, it is an opportunity to explore and understand each other. It helps to bring our relationship closer. In the midst of all our differences, we experience the love of God uniting us in our family.  

Choose the Family Vocation as a Mission 

Marriage is not the last option for people who do not want to become a priest or a nun. Rather marriage is a mission to witness Jesus in this world, build up the domestic Church and bring up the future Church through our children.  

Before marriage, there was a period in my life when I used to contemplate and pray about my vocation. I seriously considered priesthood and prayed about it for a few months. I found that there were many holy priests in the history of the Church, but comparatively fewer married people who witness Jesus in the world. I realised that it was a challenge to witness Jesus in the corporate world with its corrupt and degenerating values. It is a challenge to balance family, work and social life and be a witness of Jesus in all these areas. I got this conviction and hence decided to take up the family vocation as a mission. I thank God for helping us in our family mission.  

Do not sacrifice your Children on the Altar of your Career 

This is an era of double income, no kids. Fortunately, Christian families have children even though both husband and wife are working. Many of them leave their children with servants or in baby care homes. Parents these days rarely get time to care for their children, especially when the children need parental care the most. Children are the most precious gifts from God. If your family is faced with a situation where a choice is needed between career and children, do not sacrifice your children on the altar of your career.  

 When we had our first child, both of us were working as software engineers in Bangalore. There was an option to hire a servant to look after the child when we both went to work. But we did not want to leave our child in the hands of a servant. My wife decided to resign her job to take care of the children. She took a break from her career for seven years till our second child started going to school. Later she changed her career from software engineering to teaching and joined a school as a computer teacher so that she could give more time to the family. When we look back, this was the most important decision of our marriage, which gave strong foundation to our family and the formation of our children.  

Prayer Capsules for the daily life 

Small children have the habit of eating small quantities of food, and that too only when they are hungry. Just as children grab a bite of food when they are hungry, we should pray whenever we are in the middle of a problem and are hungry for the Holy Spirit. One minute prayer capsules help us overcome the problems in our life. 

In our family, we give Jesus as a solution to the problems that the children face. The problems vary for different age groups and hence the solutions also differ as the child grows. We teach them to pray for the little things happening in their life. We pray for our personal intentions during our family prayer. We pray for each child before they leave for school in the morning. We taught them to pray alone for every problem they encounter and for their studies. Our younger daughter started school at the age of three years. We used to pray to Jesus and Mother Mary every day before she went to school so that she would not fall down in school or while walking. We gave Jesus as a solution to this problem that she was facing as a three-year-old child. Elder children pray for the exams and for their studies every day. They pray alone when they get tensed about their studies. They pray when they feel sad or frustrated. They are gradually building a personal relationship with Jesus and experiencing Jesus as a solution to their little problems every day.  

Provide a Spiritual Ecosystem for the Faith Formation of Children 

The character and the faith formation of children depend largely on their peer group, media, school and the culture they live in. There are many children from good Catholic families going astray due to bad influence of their friends and the media. So, it is very important to provide a spiritual ecosystem for the children during their formative years.  

We used to watch Malayalam TV serials every day. But we later observed that those programmes were promoting distorted family values which were against the Christian faith. So we stopped watching them, sixteen years ago. Now we watch only good TV programmes. I used to read the Times of India newspaper from 1991. But during the last two decades, vulgar pictures started appearing in the Times of India. So, we stopped subscribing to it and have been reading The Hindu newspaper instead. We do not want pornography to enter our family every day through these newspapers. Our children like reading and hence we have subscribed to many Catholic spiritual magazines which help them in their faith formation. Our children use internet, social media and mobile phones only for study purposes and only under parental supervision. There is no consumption of alcohol or cigarettes in our family even during parties or celebrations.  All these ensure that our children have the right environment to grow in their Christian faith.  

Preach always; If Necessary, Use Words 

The present generation of parents have the habit of giving too much advice and imposing their ideas and dreams on their kids. The children today are fed up of the constant advice and continuous scolding. It is very easy to enforce our unfulfilled dreams on our children. What they need are examples and role models and not theoretical advice. So, do not bombard the children with advice and dreams, but practice what we preach.  

We try to live our faith every day and let our life be an example for the children to learn the Christian life. We try to be a companion to the children to help them identify their talents and skills so that they can live their dreams. As St. Francis Assisi says, ‘Preach always, if necessary, use words.’ This is very much applicable in our families.  

Dinner time is when our children talk about their dreams and future plans. We share our experiences and give our opinions to help them shape their dreams. We try to identify their talents and motivate and encourage the positives. 

We have our daily family prayer in the evening, and it helps us to grow together in faith.  

Live the Christian Faith Every Day, Everywhere 

It is very easy to be a good Christian on Sundays when we go to the church. It is easy to practice our faith in the church through all the rituals and celebrations. It is easy to be part-time Christians. But living our faith in the world, in the society and at the workplace is a challenge. That is the mission every family should take up. We are called to be witnesses of Jesus and practice our Christian faith and values in the world. 

I am a mechanical engineer and started my career as an inspection engineer working with the world’s largest inspection company. My job was to certify the export consignments to other countries from India. The export companies would offer bribes regularly to pass their consignments. I took a stand against bribe and never accepted it. It was a tough choice to stand for Christian values when everyone else was accepting bribes. Those seven years were a period of struggle but God helped me to take a strong stand against corruption.  

The exporters hosted parties in star hotels regularly, where alcohol was always served. I was against consumption of alcohol. While everyone else consumed it, I would drink juice instead. I took it as an opportunity to live my faith and practice my Christian values. There were times when non-Christians would ask me why I neither accepted bribes nor consumed alcohol. Those were the opportunities for me to discuss my faith with these people.  

Trust God, Trust your Family also 

It is easy to say that we trust in God. But trusting our own family is equally important. Trust your wife and children always. Trust your wife completely. The family is built upon this mutual trust between the husband and wife. Trust the children in financial dealings. It is a very important aspect of the faith formation of our children. When we trust our own family members, they learn to trust others and learn to trust even the people outside our family and the society.  

 In our family, we have one common money purse and one common saving. We share all the money as a family and do not keep separate accounts. Whenever my wife or the children need anything, they are free to take the required money from the purse. They always inform us of their needs and have never stolen a rupee till now. Trust is reciprocal. When I trust my family members, they trust me too. They know the value of money and do not waste it. Before buying anything, we discuss about it and proceed with shopping only when we agree on it. If we don’t trust our own children, who else will trust them? Trusting our family can work wonders and help the children in their faith formation and personality development. 

Dining Table is the Altar of Faith Formation 

The dining table is the family’s faith formation place.  It is here that the whole family comes together and shares love. Do not bring TV, mobile phones and other media to the dining table.  

Dinner time is when we discuss about different secular topics, studies, faith related doubts, etc. We crack jokes, pull legs and share our dreams and problems. We have kept the TV and other media away from the dining room. Children ask their doubts about the Bible, their dreams and general topics during our dinner time and we discuss and clarify it together. It is a great way of sharing, caring and growing in faith together as a family.  

Be honest with your children. Admit if you don’t know something. They will appreciate your honesty.   

Seek First the Kingdom of God and the Rest will be added unto you 

Keep Jesus as the centre of your family and you will never fail in life. That has been our experience. I have been a Jesus Youth for over 32 years, active in different ministries. I refused to take bribe for seven years when it was easy for me to make money. But when I look back, God had provided everything we needed in our life. Good family, career, wealth and good children. We lack nothing.  

Six years back at the birth of our youngest child in Bangalore, my wife had sudden medical complications. On the second day after delivery, she had sudden and severe internal bleeding. As the condition was serious, she was taken for surgery immediately. I was alone in the hospital when she was brought back, unconscious to the ICU. I stood near her bed in the ICU completely broken with nobody to help or console me. 

Suddenly a nurse in the ICU came to me calling my name.  She told me not to worry and assured me that she would take care of my wife. That was the first time I was meeting that nurse. But she told me that she had been a participant in the marriage preparation course that had taken place the previous week, where I had taken a class for them.  Amazing are the ways in which God sends his angels when we are in dire situations.  

As we are entering the year ‘Amoris Laetitia Family’, let’s focus on our families and take the help of the Holy Spirit to transform our family into a domestic Church.  

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About Mathew Joseph (separate boxed content)

One of the most sought-after speakers and thought leaders in the area of Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning, Mathew Joseph Kaniyampady firmly believes that for a Christian, professional excellence and a life of witness are inextricably intertwined. 

An alumnus of the University of Chicago, Mathew Joseph is the Vice President and Head of Artificial Intelligence in Apar Technologies Pvt. Ltd., Bangalore. He has been a keynote speaker at the European Digital Conference France, World Cyber Security Conference, Singapore Digital Conference, World Machine Learning Conference and International Data Science Congress, London. He has delivered guest lectures on Artificial Intelligence to the Indian Institute of Managements (IIMs), Indian Institute of Technologies (IITs) and many other leading universities and industry bodies. Mathew is the official mentor for the Kerala Startup Mission, the key agency of the Government of Kerala for entrepreneurship development and incubation activities in Kerala.  

Mathew is an active Jesus Youth for more than three decades contributing to different ministries. He was also instrumental in initiating Jesus Youth’s email community, JOYnet, two decades ago. Mathew is married to Jincy, a teacher in Christ Academy and they stay in Bangalore, South India with their three children, Ann Maria Mathew, Albin Mathew and Andrea Rose Mathew.