FROM ATHEISM TO CHRIST | KAIROS GLOBAL | JUNE 2024

Author: Dr Ancy Joseph

Intro: Circumstances and experiences pushed Dr Ancy Joseph towards atheism and a life of turmoil. But an encounter of serenity amidst unrest paved the road to Christ. 

Praise God! This is the story of my encounter with Christ.

 I was born to social-Christian parents for whom faith was not important. The only person who provided me with some faith input was my grandmother. She taught me about heaven, hell, and purgatory. Apart from this, I lacked exposure to other aspects of faith. Moreover, most of the people I encountered claimed to be religious but didn't exhibit qualities consistent with their belief—or perhaps that's what stood out to me the most. These experiences led me to entertain thoughts such as doubting the existence of God, dismissing it all as mere amusement. My brother became an atheist, firmly entrenched in the ideology. Slowly circumstances pushed me too towards it. 

When my dad’s business failed during my high school years, my family began to face financial hardships and surmounting debts. I endured relentless bullying, especially from my inner circle, faced derogatory remarks about my appearance and self-worth. Consequently, I struggled to love myself, grappling with introversion and social isolation. Amidst these challenges, family conflicts compounded our difficulties. While my parents loved me, I felt deprived of experiencing love in its entirety. Through myriad struggles—introversion, inferiority complex, lack of affection, and financial woes—I grew convinced of the absence of God. This belief evolved gradually, fuelled by a perceived absence of positivity in my life. Academic success became my sole source of happiness and I dedicated myself to academic pursuits, craving validation and recognition, as it was the only aspect of my life where I found solace.

Even though I harboured doubts about the existence of God, certain questions lingered in my mind:

1. How was this intricate world created?

2. What sustains my existence on Earth, and what is the purpose of my life?

3. If I were to pass away in my sleep, what lies beyond?

The enigma of death haunted me relentlessly, as I grappled with the concept of a higher power. 

Upon admission to pursue my MBBS degree, family issues escalated. However, just before commencing college, my brother imparted invaluable advice: ‘Please refrain from entering into relationships prematurely. Focus on your studies, make informed life decisions, and let romantic endeavours follow in due time.’ This pragmatic counsel resonated deeply with me, serving as a guiding principle throughout my studies.

Amidst the romantic pursuits of my peers, I abstained, heeding my brother's words. Yet, despite my dedication to academia, a profound yearning for love, albeit non-romantic, persisted within me. Doubts regarding my worthiness of love surfaced, hindering my ability to enjoy life fully amidst ongoing familial and financial turmoil. 

Amidst this tumult, I received an invitation from senior peers to attend a Jesus Youth programme. Initially reluctant, I acquiesced out of respect for their insistence, harbouring little enthusiasm for the event. However, I gradually distanced myself as I failed to connect with the religious practices. To me, it all seemed like hypocrisy—mere acts of Bible sharing and prayers, with no one truly embodying those lofty standards. Why not simply strive to be good human beings instead of feigning piety? This notion consumed my thoughts, leading me to disengage from the group. Despite their attempts to reach out, I reiterated my disinterest, disillusioned by what I perceived as insincerity in religious rituals and Sunday Mass.

Despite the presence of friends, I felt profoundly misunderstood and unloved, exacerbating my sense of isolation. As tensions escalated between my batch and the seniors over a competition, discord permeated our hostel. Accusations flew, communication ceased, and the once-harmonious environment devolved into chaos. Caught in the crossfire, I found no refuge—neither in the hostel nor at home. Exhausted by the relentless turmoil, I yearned for peace, weary of the ceaseless struggles that defined my existence.

Amidst my unrest, I encountered a group of individuals who stood apart from the chaos, quietly praying in a corner. These were my friends from the Jesus Youth, my own batch mates, who seemed unaffected by the hostilities around them. Intrigued by their serenity, I felt drawn to explore what set them apart. Initiating conversations with my closest friend among them, I delved into discussions about their faith and convictions. She generously shared her non-Catholic American Bible with me, a gesture I deeply appreciated and still cherish to this day. As I earnestly engaged with the scriptures, initially perplexing passages began to unravel, offering insights that resonated with my own experiences. Each reading brought newfound clarity, and I found myself identifying with the narratives on a personal level.

Gradually, a sense of peace enveloped me, accompanied by a growing curiosity to delve deeper into this newfound understanding of faith. It was as though a veil had been lifted, revealing a path toward clarity and spiritual fulfilment that I had previously overlooked.

After that pivotal moment of realisation, I spent about a week grappling with newfound awareness and understanding. It dawned on me that there existed a dimension of life that I had yet to explore—one illuminated by the teachings of Jesus. I vividly recall experiencing a profound conversion, a mental awakening as I made the conscious decision to redirect my path towards Jesus. Although I had never been one to attend retreats or read religious texts, I was captivated by the radiance and inner peace exuded by those who embraced Jesus wholeheartedly.

Witnessing the transformative power of faith in others inspired me to embark on my own spiritual journey. I relinquished my former beliefs and resolved to follow the teachings of Jesus, embracing a newfound sense of purpose and fulfilment. Despite initial doubts and uncertainties, I found my faith growing stronger with each passing day. Embracing Jesus on 14 February 2007, marked a profound turning point in my life—a moment of spiritual rebirth that coincided with Ash Wednesday. As I partook in the sacraments and embraced fasting, I felt an overwhelming sense of connection with the divine, recognising Jesus as the lover of my soul and the guiding force in my life.

Discovering my purpose aligned with Jesus's teachings brought meaning and joy. I began to appreciate the beauty and majesty of God reflected in the world around me, undergoing a profound internal transformation that was visible to those I knew. My newfound zeal for Jesus prompted me to share my faith with others, albeit sometimes fervently, which led to moments of friction, particularly concerning contentious issues like pro-life advocacy.

Reflecting on my past attitudes towards disability and life's complexities, I came to understand that every individual, regardless of physical limitations, possessed inherent value and purpose. Through ongoing spiritual enlightenment, I delved deeper into the mysteries of Jesus's love, passion, crucifixion, resurrection, the Virgin Mary's purity, and the concept of the Holy Trinity. Immersing myself in spiritual literature, including the Bible, further nurtured my evolving faith, leading to profound personal growth and a deepening relationship with Jesus.

Encountering Jesus through retreats and spiritual guidance from Jesus Youth elders solidified my commitment to living a life guided by faith and love. Engaging in various ministries, particularly pro-life advocacy, allowed me to extend Jesus's love and compassion to those around me.

Though my journey has had moments of wavering faith and challenges, Jesus has remained a constant source of strength and comfort. While the intensity of my love for Jesus may ebb and flow, it is my steadfast belief that Jesus is the cornerstone of my existence. Despite obstacles, Jesus continually renews my faith, reignites my passion for serving others and spreading his love.

This is the story of my encounter with Jesus. While my faith may not have been unwavering, it possesses a profound depth within my psyche. I was resolute in my rejection of mere social Christianity, eschewing the lukewarm existence of those who attend church without genuine commitment. My aspiration was sincerity; a sincere approach to every aspect of life. 

I firmly believe that it is not our talents but the grace of God that shapes our identities. When I encounter atheists, I hope that they get to possess the opportunity for enlightenment. I recognise that God scrutinises the heart, not mere outward practices. It is my continual prayer that the Lord fortifies my resolve against judgement, to foster introspection, and to enable me to lead a life wholly devoted to him. 

Throughout life's trials, including the challenges of marriage, I have found solace in the enduring love of Jesus. Though I cannot claim to be a true believer, I aspire to live a life worthy of that title, guided by my faith and devotion to Jesus.

Dr Ancy Joseph is a medical doctor with the Kerala Health Services. She is married to Sujimon and they have four children.