TEACHING KIDS TO BE CONSIDERATE | KAIROS GLOBAL | MAY 2020

Author: Dr Annilyn Sebastian

Intro: Dr Annilyn Sebastian shares her thoughts about raising considerate children by modelling good behaviour and encouraging responsibility in children.

We have recently been witnessing numerous accounts of selfless service, especially by healthcare workers given the COVID 19 pandemic. Lots of people have been putting away their own needs, risking their own lives, and working tirelessly, to save other people’s lives. Empathy, compassion and going out of our way to help others are godly characters that we all need to be consciously making an effort to build. For some of us, these qualities come naturally. But, for most it doesn’t.  I was hoping to share a few insights on how we as parents can help develop these attributes in our kids. 

Whatever doesn’t come naturally has to be trained. Training requires setting up a habit. And, setting up a habit requires persistence.

In our family, with nine kids, ‘survival of the fittest’ is the natural order of things. Unless someone stands up and asserts for something, it is very easy to get pushed aside. Most of the time our kids get along very well with each other, but, everyone likes to make sure that their personal comforts are secure first before attending to siblings. There is also rarely a day that sibling rivalry doesn’t lift its head, as well as the comparison factor: ‘He got two pieces, so I need two.’ Or, ‘He got a bigger piece’, etc. 

So what can we do to teach our kids consideration for others? Since this is a quality any good Christian should have.

Firstly, our kids need to understand their value as God’s unique creation, and the dignity that accompanies. They need to learn that all people are created in the image of God and are equally valued in God’s eyes. So, just because someone has a better house, better education, is smart, or looks better, it doesn’t make him or her superior to the person next to you. Every person has his or her own dignity! 

Our kids need to embrace the fact that they are in no way better than the kid who may seem less fortunate or less smarter than they are. 

A sad fact in many families however is that, it is us parents, who tend to show favouritism to the better-looking or smarter child. We need to understand that this can be greatly demeaning to the self-esteem of the less favourite child and so we should refrain ourselves from showing any such favouritism. 

We need to teach our kids to serve others with a humble heart. In this egocentric culture, it is very hard for even the older generation to really come out of their comfort zones and help those in need. When we parents, start genuinely showing interest in another’s welfare, we become considerate, and by looking upon us as role models, our kids will embrace the same.

Most parents have a tendency to overprotect their kids, as they don’t want them to fail. But kids need to fail within safe boundaries. They need to learn to own up their mistakes. Only then can they bounce back when they fail in the real world. When parents empathize too much and try to divert the blame from their kids by intervening and rectifying an action for them, they could be bringing up children who might become very self-centred with a feeling of entitlement to be rescued all the time. But by allowing our kids to work out their own problems, we can help bring up children who will be resilient and self confident.

Another reason kids tend to be self-centred is their lack for nothing. Most parents tend to overindulge their kids with everything they want or ask for. They feel that it is their duty to provide everything the kids ask for. However, we should be able to distinguish between ‘wants’ and ‘needs’. As parents, we have a responsibility to provide for their needs. But providing for every ‘want’ is means to spoil them, teaching them to be selfish. More than stuff, what kids need from us is our time and presence. Stuff will provide them with temporary happiness, which will fade in no time. But our presence and all the positive impacts it can make, will last a lifetime.

In our house, we try our best to teach our kids to be considerate of others, but there has been lot of times when the advice has fallen on deaf ears. So we constantly keep reminding, as persistence is key.

Some examples from our house are: some of our kids always running away from the scene of an accident not caused by them, without bothering to check if the person involved is ok. Although not done on purpose, we still insist that they say sorry and ask them to try and help out with whatever that is needed. For few of our kids, trying to console a crying baby doesn’t come naturally. So, if the baby is crying, we encourage them to see what’s needed and do it accordingly. When kids spill milk and just leave it on the counter, I encourage them to clean it up by themselves first. If they leave snack wrappers lying around after eating, I call them back and tell them to put it in the recycle bin. Instead of bailing them out by doing these things for them, I encourage them to do it themselves so that they gradually learn to take responsibility for their actions. If there is a fight over the same toy, we have the kids put the toy away until they can share without hurting each other’s feelings. We ask them to step into the other person’s shoes and see how they would feel. While serving lunch, sometimes all the kids rush to get the food first, pushing others aside. I usually insist the youngest are served first and that the oldest ones ensure the younger ones go first. I also encourage them to let the other person have the bigger or better piece. But for this I usually have to bribe them by asking “Who wants some more treasures in heaven?”, and then it usually goes well. 

This all is capped off with personal prayer and teaching to pray for others. Through personal prayer, they learn to understand their own dignity as a child of God. By praying for others, they learn to step into the other person’s shoes, understand their needs, empathize with them and lift them up to God. 

Apart from their personal prayer time, family prayer and other devotions during the day, we have recently been blessed to add in an extra hour of prayer/ devotions dedicated just for the COVID 19 pandemic: the victims, families, helpers etc, with the additional time we have been having every day staying at home.

Some actionable tips to teach kids to be considerate are:

(1) Model good behaviour and genuine concern for others. Kids pick up very fast whatever parents do. We should demonstrate good role-modelling.

(2) Encourage kids to play cooperatively. Through cooperative play, they build team-spirit and look out for each other.

(3) Have them apologize where needed. Even if they didn’t do something purposely, they should make it a point to say sorry, and see if something needs to be done from their side.

(4) Whenever they see someone in distress, have them check out what that person needs and trying to console them.

(5) Teach them to let others go first.

(6)Have them try to clean up their own messes, instead of just leaving it for others.

(7)Develop a habit of personal prayer and praying for others.

By teaching to be considerate of others, we are teaching our children to be good Christians, by teaching to serve.

Dr Annilyn Sebastian, an MD Pathologist by profession, is currently a stay-at-home mom. She lives in Houston, USA, with her husband Dr Anup Skaria and nine children. They homeschool their children.