SINCERE GIFT | KAIROS GLOBAL | JANUARY 2024

Author: Anil Israel.

Intro: Marriage is not about what I want to get out of the relationship, it is about what I ought to be contributing to the relationship, writes Anil Israel. 

There is a deep seated desire in the heart of man to constantly crave for more. Our dreams and desires, our ambitions and aspirations, propel us on the path of excellence, perfection and growth. A sense of not-yet-there keeps us on the move. We tend to embrace that which we think would make us happier, more successful, more complete. There is always something lacking. This urge to improve, to enhance and shine, to be an ounce better than before, is what keeps us ticking, blooming and evolving. 

All our life we have been putting ourselves on the receiving end. As we mature through life, we learn to transit to the giving end too. In order to receive, there needs to be someone on the giving end. In order to give, there needs to be someone on the receiving end too. One cannot be a better version of oneself without the aid of the other. We are intricately interdependent. This longing for companionship is built into the human soul. 

The Most Holy Trinity is a communion of persons. Created in the image and likeness of God, we too are meant to participate in a communion of persons. No wonder man strives in the midst of company. When God created Adam and placed him in the midst of the rest of creation, Adam felt he was alone. For the man there was not found a helper fit of him (Genesis 2:20). Adam was incomplete. God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him (Genesis 2:18). God created Eve. Adam is no more alone. Companionship completes. 

As a boy grows into a man and a girl grows into a woman, they realise – they too need a companion for life. God created family in Genesis. Jesus blessed family life by the first of his signs (John 2:11) at the wedding feast of Cana. Revelation too concludes with the marriage supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:9). God himself is a family of persons. We too are created to be part of a relationship. Our relationship on earth is a sign, pointing to our relationship in heaven. So marriage essentially is a sacrament – a sign of the sacred. Earthly union of husband and wife is a visible sign of the divine union of created humanity with uncreated divinity. 

Young people need to be taught that marriage is something sacred. What is sacred needs to be treated with awe and reverence. We need to acknowledge that since God dwells in each of us, our bodies are the temple of the Most Holy Trinity. What is holy, must therefore be ‘set-apart’, for to be holy literally means to be ‘set apart’.

Marriage is a covenantal relationship. What is a covenant? How is it different from a contract? A contract is an exchange of goods and services. When one of the terms and conditions are not met, a contract can be broken. A covenant is an exchange of persons. God himself established a covenantal relationship with his chosen people. This is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel… I will be their God, and they shall be my people (Jeremiah 31:33). God does not break the relationship, even when his chosen people go astray. Jesus gives himself wholly to redeem us. This is my body – this is my blood (Mark 14:22, 24).

A call to Holy Matrimony, is a call to total self-giving. Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25). We are called to offer ourselves – whole and without blemish (Deuteronomy 12:5). Marriage is a vocation of total self-donation. ‘Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love’ (Pope John Paul II).

Love is a verb. It is an action. It is a choice. ‘To love is to will the good of the other” (St Thomas Aquinas). Couples proclaiming marriage vows pledge: ‘I will love you and honour you, all the days of my life – till death do us part.’ A call to married life is a call to commitment for a lifetime – in good times or bad, in sickness or health – being faithful forever, come what may. 

People spend a lot of time planning the wedding, but hardly invest in preparing for the marriage. Wedding is a day, marriage is a lifetime. Young people therefore ought to prepare themselves for this lifetime commitment. People who rush to give in to live-in relationships, have merely crashed before the take-off. ‘Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought’ (Pope John Paul II). Marriage is a journey. It is not a journey of ‘want’ – it is a journey of ‘ought’. It is not about what I want to get out of the relationship, it is about what I ought to be contributing to the relationship.

What must be veiled, must be veiled. What must be wrapped, must be wrapped. What must be covered, must be covered. Everyone appreciates an unopened gift. I am God’s gift to my spouse and my spouse is God’s gift to me. May we strive to present ourselves as an untarnished gift. Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases (Song of Songs 8:4). ‘The call for a sincere gift of self is the fullest way to realise our personal freedom’ (Pope John Paul II). 

We were blessed with the privilege to prepare ourselves for couple of years before uniting in the Holy Sacrament. Dwelling on the biblical definition of love as described in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, I realised how much more I am yet to grow in love. I learned to be doubly patient during my preparatory period, for the word ‘patience’ occurred twice in the Love Chapter. May we grow deeper in life-giving love, to make a sincere gift of our whole being. In the end, all that matters is the amount of love with which we live.