ROLES IN A FAMILY | KAIROS GLOBAL | FEBRUARY 2024

Author: Dr Vimal Vincent

Intro: Dr Vimal Vincent and his wife Reenu write about the roles of a husband and wife in a marriage. 

Once I was called by Shalom Television to speak a few words about the institution of family. It was then that I looked back into memories of the various families I had visited during my childhood. Interestingly, I noted that each family was different from another in varied aspects. Every family had different priorities, different routines and unique ways of communication within itself. Every family had a unique culture which was formed collectively by its respective members.

Family is the basic unit of a society, just like any other society members of family have different roles to play. Efficiency and productivity of a family as a whole depends upon how well each one in a family plays their role.  Members have a unique role to perform because each one of us is irreplaceable in our families.

Just like every society needs structural clarity and a head to lead and make sure of the common good, family also needs a structure and a head. Since family is formed primarily by the union of a husband and a wife and St Paul says in Ephesians 5:23, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, the natural order puts it thus that it is the husband who is primarily responsible for the family in the eyes of God. Though the wife also has a very important, but different role to play.

As the head of the family, the husband has two principal duties to perform: one is to provide and the other to protect. A father has to provide both materially and spiritually for the wife and children. This is very important because only then can his wife perform her duties as the mother and anchor of the family. This is especially important when the kids are in their tender ages.

It is the prime responsibility of the father to spiritually nourish and protect his wife and children. The husband should make sure that everyone in the family performs their obligations to God. As the head, he has spiritual authority over the members of his family. He should pray and merit the graces for his wife so that she is capable of leading a life of virtue according to her state. He should also pray for his children so that they lead virtuous lives.

It is unmanly for the husband to be concerned only about himself or to be self-absorbed. He has to be concerned about his family first and foremost. Being the head of the family, he should put the common good of the family over his private good. He should not be like a tyrant who abuses his fellow servants nor like a lazy servant who hides the one talent he got under the ground. He should remember that he is head of the family only to serve its members.

The husband cannot perform his duty as the head of the family unless his wife is submissive to him and is positively conscious of this natural order. But the relationship between husband and wife simply cannot be likened to that of a master over a slave, or that of a father over a child. He has authority over her only in matters that pertain directly to the common good of the family. The wife retains her own governance in what pertains to her private good, if it doesn't hinder the common good. The husband and wife have equal dignity and are equals in all aspects. But it should not be overlooked that they have different ‘primary’ roles to play in a family, though their talents and life situations may see an overlap into each other's domains. The very basic nature of couples ingrained in their respective gender has thus been naturally endowed so that husbands and wives can perform their unique roles well in the family that they together constitute.

We see that, just as the primary responsibility of the husband is to provide and protect, the primary responsibility of the wife is to take care of the home as well as nourishment and education of the children. Home is where the mother is, whether physically or otherwise, she should make her ‘nurturing touch’ felt by those entrusted to her care. God has given very different and unique abilities to the wife to perform these roles. She may be better than husband in many aspects and a prudent husband will allow her to take governance in those areas.

The husband and wife should also be cognizant about the changes in priority of the relationships before and after marriage. Priorities of a man in descending order of importance before marriage will be: God, parents, siblings, friends and close relatives. But after the marriage priorities change and the relationship with his wife is second only to God. So deep is the relationship between a man and a woman united in marriage. The same is true for the wife also. For the sake of the good of the family, she needs to prioritise him next to God, over everyone else.

Many marriages have suffered because of ignorance of proper priorities after marriage. Husbands and wives should understand that their spouse is second only to God and anything that threatens this unity and priority should be strictly dealt with. 

Another mistake the married couple makes is giving children the highest priority, even above that of their own spouse. God has united us with our spouses to be one body, and children are its fruits.  Just like fruits get separated from the tree at some point of time, our children will leave us but our spouse will be united with us until death sets us apart. It is highly important that couples spend considerable time with their children especially during their tender years. But we should always make sure that our spouse is still the numero uno in our life.

The husband and wife should work for their unity of mission. Just like every person as a unique role in this world every family also has a unique mission. Spouses should sit together and discern the unique role their family has to play in bringing God's Kingdom to this world.

Dr Vimal Vincent is a neonatologist at Jubilee Mission Medical College, Trichur, India. He takes classes for young couples on male-female psychology in the context of marriage. A lawyer, Reenu Vimal is also a Catechism teacher.

As a couple, they are active in the Legion of Apostolic Families, a lay society of consecrated families in Trichur.