PARENTING WITH THE TEMPERAMENTS | KAIROS GLOBAL | OCTOBER 2022

Author: Jilu Chengat

Intro: In this five-part series, Jilu Chengat introduces the Four Temperaments to parents. 

Have you ever heard of the four temperaments? The temperaments are an ancient way of understanding the nature of humans and has been studied by many, including theologians from as early as 300 BC. In general, most people can identify themselves with a primary and a secondary temperament. Your temperament can be understood as the way that God made you. It is the basic influencer of your actions, choices, and feelings!  It is said that Jesus is the perfect combination of each of the temperaments. 

Though most people may start becoming more self-aware in their young adult years, identifying temperaments may be much easier in young children as their nature has not been affected by their surroundings or situations.  Their true, raw nature shines forth in their interactions with parents, siblings, friends, and school environment from a very young age. Parenting through the lens of understanding our child’s temperament can help us identify their natural virtues and vices. In turn, we can direct our parenting towards strengthening and encouraging their virtues and redirecting their vices. 

God the Father, a model for parenting 

Before we look at the temperaments, it is helpful to look to God the Father, as a model for us to follow in our parenting. We can begin with the beautiful imagery of Jesus’s baptism. In those moments, God the Father proclaims his blessing and affirmation over his son. Jesus has not yet started his public mission or performed any miracles. The people do not know him, but his Father knows him and who he is called to be. The Father declares, ‘This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased’ (Matthew 3:17).

What a beautiful call for us as parents to bless and affirm our children in who they are, our sons or daughters, our beloved, with whom we are well pleased! This is obviously much easier said than done, as many of us have been conditioned through our own childhood to measure ourselves by our achievements and how ‘good’ we are as seen in our studies, accomplishments, and activities. Yet here, God offers us a radical model to follow, to affirm our child in their uniqueness even before they can ‘do good.’ This approach to parenting from a very young age can provide a strong foundation for our children to grow in self-awareness and confidence in who they are as well as their understanding of God the Father. 

Understanding the uniqueness of each child invites us to co-parent with God the Father, who has made each child so special. The temperaments provide a framework to begin reflecting on our children’s natures as well our own. Studying our children’s actions can serve as a mirror that reveals to us our deeper natures, desires and how the circumstances of life have forced us adapt our natures. Thus, there is an even deeper invitation for the Father to ‘re-parent’ us, as we receive healing in our own formation and an infilling of God’s love for our inner child, even as we parent our own child. 

The four temperaments 

There are four different temperaments as understood over the centuries: choleric, melancholic, sanguine and phlegmatic. Let’s take a closer look at how they might be exhibited in children. Everyday moments serve as important data in understanding our child’s temperament. 

Choleric: Strong-willed and ambitious, a choleric will be the natural leader in the group. They will determine the rules of a new game or delegate their responsibilities to other siblings. They may struggle with obedience because of their strong, opinionated nature.  

Melancholic: The melancholic is reserved and quiet around most people. They have no particular FOMO (fear of missing out) and are perfectly content with following their own endeavours like making puzzles or quiet art work. A melancholic may struggle to express their deeper feelings, although you can be sure that they have them, as they have a very rich inner life!

Sanguine: The sanguine child is the fun-loving one. The sanguine will definitely have FOMO and loves to be at the centre of attention or acting as a lead in a performance. They may struggle with cultivating discipline or completing their chores but will have no trouble rallying and motivating other siblings to help them complete their tasks. 

Phlegmatic: Your phlegmatic child will be quiet, calm and easygoing. This child will be content with most options given and may only find difficulty when asked to select a preference! This child may struggle with laziness, developing a strong sense of initiative and making right choices when they are not pleasing to others. 

Everyday moments serve as important data in understanding our child’s temperament. The next time you observe your child interacting with a peer or adult, see if you can identify which temperament they may lean toward!  Over the course of the next few articles, we will dive deeper into each temperament, looking at virtues, vices, and parenting tips through a Catholic lens. If this has piqued your interest, check out Art and Laraine Bennett’s books on temperaments with a Catholic perspective!

Jilu Chengat lives in Massachusetts, USA where she lives out her missionary call as a wife and mother to three children. She enjoys writing and accompanying young people as they discern the voice of God in their lives.