PARENTAL VALIDATION | KAIROS GLOBAL | AUGUST 2023

Author: Fr Paul Choorathottiyil VC

Intro: Fr Paul Choorathottiyil VC helps us understand why parental validation is important in the psycho-emotional growth of children.

Validation is an essential interpersonal skill that enables individuals to form deep connections by entering into each other's emotional world. It grants the recipient a profound sense of being heard and understood, validating their subjective experience as true and genuine. Unfortunately, in our world, many of us prioritise fixing rather than empathising, approaching others as ‘problem solvers’ rather than compassionate listeners. By dismissing or attempting to immediately fix others' emotional experiences without first acknowledging them, we miss the opportunity to be supportive and helpful in our relationships.

Biblical Understanding of Validation

In the biblical context, validation can be understood as a recognition and affirmation of a person's worth, experiences, emotions, or actions based on God's truth and love. 

A God of Validation: In the Bible, we see instances of validation through God's interactions with individuals and communities. For example, in the Old Testament, God validated the Israelites' experiences of oppression in Egypt and their journey to freedom in the Promised Land. He acknowledged their suffering and provided reassurance and guidance along the way. 

In the New Testament, Jesus exemplified validation through his interactions with various individuals. He validated the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:1-42) by acknowledging her worth and offering her living water. He validated the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11) by refusing to condemn her and instead offering forgiveness and the opportunity for transformation. Jesus also validated the disciples' experiences, doubts, and fears, providing them with reassurance and guidance.

More examples of validation from the Bible

God validated Noah's righteousness and noble character, granting him salvation and protection during the flood (Genesis 6:9).

God acknowledged and validated Abraham's obedience, blessing him and making a covenant with him (Genesis 17).

Despite David's humble status, God uplifted him and identified him as his beloved, as seen in 1 Samuel 16.

During Jesus' baptism, God the Father acknowledged him as his Beloved Son, instructing others to listen to him (Matthew 3:17).

The book of Job portrays God's validation of Job's losses, suffering, and hardships, rewarding him with manifold blessings.

The book of Psalms expresses God's validation of human pain, suffering, and fears, providing comfort and solace to those who seek him.

The Gospels recount instances where Jesus, as a loving and compassionate father, validates human suffering through his healing ministry.

The crucifixion of Jesus represents the ultimate expression of God's validation of human suffering and the salvation of humankind.

These examples demonstrate God's consistent affirmation and validation of his people, recognising their experiences, emotions, and challenges. As a compassionate and loving Father, God offers comfort, redemption, and blessings to those who place their trust in him.

Psychological Significance of Validation

In psychology, validation refers to the process of recognising, acknowledging, and accepting another person's emotions, thoughts, experiences, and perspectives as valid and meaningful. It involves conveying empathy, understanding, and respect for an individual's subjective reality, without judgment or dismissal. 

By validating someone's emotions and experiences, psychologists and mental health professionals provide a safe and supportive environment for clients to explore their thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged or invalidated. Validation helps individuals feel heard, understood, and accepted, fostering a sense of validation, and enhancing their self-esteem and self-acceptance. In addition to therapeutic settings, validation is also valuable in interpersonal relationships, where it can strengthen connections, resolve conflicts, and promote effective communication. It involves acknowledging and respecting the perspectives and emotions of others, even if they differ from our own.

Parental Validation is essential for children’s psycho-emotional growth

Parents who consistently validate their children's emotions create an environment where the children feel understood, safe, and protected. Such validation fosters trust between children and their parents, making the children more willing to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.

While every family possesses unique psycho-spiritual, relational, and social dynamics, certain common ways parents dismiss their children's subjective world can be identified. These patterns include:

Cultural and Transgenerational Impact: Parents who were raised in dismissive and disqualifying cultures may struggle with validation themselves. They may have grown up in environments where emotions were not acknowledged or valued, making it difficult for them to develop the emotional skill of validation.

Misconceptions about Validation: Parents might misunderstand validation as approval of mistakes or misbehaviour. However, validation does not mean condoning inappropriate actions. It is possible to validate a child's pain or anxiety even when it stems from their own wrongdoing or poor choices. Validation focuses on acknowledging and understanding the child's emotions rather than endorsing their behaviour.

Lack of Empathy: Parents may struggle to empathise with their children's emotional distress due to a narrow sense of justice or a focus on punishment for wrongdoing. However, children thrive when they are treated with compassion and empathy. Emphasising fairness and justice alone may dismiss or invalidate their emotional experiences.

Absence of Self-Validation: Parents who do not practise self-validation may find it challenging to demonstrate validation towards their children. Self-validation involves recognising and validating one's own emotions, which is a vital skill for fostering healing and connection. Parents who lack this habit may find it challenging to validate their children's experiences.

It is important for parents to recognise these barriers and develop their own capacity for validation. By cultivating empathy, challenging misconceptions, and practising self-validation, parents can enhance their ability to validate their children's emotions and create a nurturing and supportive environment.

Validation encompasses various actions and expressions, including:

Appropriate and Empathic Eye Contact: Maintaining eye contact with your child conveys attentiveness and shows that you are present and engaged in their communication.

Nonverbal Communication: Nonverbal cues like minimal listening, nodding your head, and using open body language demonstrate that you are actively listening and validating their feelings.

Reflection of Feeling: Reflecting back the emotions your child expresses helps them feel heard and understood. For example, if your child tearfully says, ‘I don't want to go to school. I hate school’, you might respond by saying, ‘It seems like something is happening at school that makes you feel scared and upset. Can you tell me more about it?’

Reflection of Thoughts: Along with reflecting their emotions, you can also validate your child's thoughts and perceptions. This involves summarising or paraphrasing their expressed thoughts to show that you are comprehending their perspective.

Interpreting Emotions and Thoughts: Sometimes, children may struggle to articulate specific emotions, feeling overwhelmed by their experiences. In such cases, parents can go beyond reflection and interpret their children's emotions and thoughts. This deepens the validation by demonstrating your understanding and empathy. For instance, you might say, ‘It seems like there is something happening at school that is making you feel scared, upset, and makes it difficult to enjoy going to school right now. Can you help me understand more about it?’

Additionally, physical gestures like holding their hand or giving them a comforting hug can provide a tangible sense of support and reassurance. By combining these elements of validation, parents can create a safe space for their children to express themselves and foster a deeper understanding of their emotions and experiences.

Four levels of exercises for parents to learn the skill of validation for their children's emotional experiences

Exercise for Parents: Level One

1. Select an incident of validation from the Bible.

2. Identify the most validating words of God/Jesus.

3. Identify with that biblical person/s and try to feel as they felt in that moment.

Exercise for Parents: Level Two

1. Remember and recall your earliest memory of being validated by an adult (parent, teacher, etc.).

2. Reflect on what it felt like for you to be validated in that moment.

3. Recall an incident when your parents had a reason to punish you but still validated your emotions, such as anxiety, fear, or shame.

   
   

Exercise for Parents: Level Three

1. Identify thoughts and emotions that hinder you from fully validating your child's emotional world, such as anxiety (thinking they will be unsuccessful in life), a sense of insecurity (believing they may not be successful), lack of trust (thinking they are weak and not good enough), fear of children making mistakes (believing they fail morally), etc.

2. Practise deep breathing for 2 minutes to help calm your mind and cultivate a more empathetic mindset.

3. Visualise a scene where you are actively validating your child's emotional world, using both verbal and nonverbal messages of empathy, deeper understanding, and confidence.

   
   

Exercise for Parents: Level Four

Put It into Action: Apply what you have learned in real-life interactions with your child.

1. Seek opportunities to actively listen and validate your child's emotions without judgment or criticism.

2. Practice using validating language and nonverbal cues to show empathy and support.

3. Reflect on your experiences and continue refining your skills of validation in parenting.

By progressing through these levels, parents can develop a greater understanding and ability to validate their children's emotional experiences, creating a nurturing and supportive environment for their growth and well-being.

Let’s Pray

Heavenly father, we come to you today as parents seeking validation in the task of raising our children. You have entrusted these precious souls to our care, and we pray for the confidence and reassurance that we are doing our best to guide them with love, wisdom, and grace. Help us to see the impact of our words and actions, to nurture their spirits, and to create an environment where they feel valued, and encouraged. Grant us the patience and strength to navigate the challenges of parenting and let us always remember that our worth as parents comes from your love and guidance. In your infinite wisdom, bless us with the insight to make the right decision and to lead our children toward you by leading a life rooted in faith, compassion, and purpose. Amen.

Rev Paul Choorathottiyil VC works with children who have experienced adverse childhood experiences, individuals with alcohol/substance addiction, couples experiencing marital stress, patients with acute behavioural issues. In addition, Fr Paul gives parenting seminars, facilities recovery, and self-enhancing groups. He serves in the Syro-Malabar diocese of Chicago, USA.