MARRIAGE AS A PATH TO HAPPINESS III A NEW RELATION TO PARENTS | KAIROS GLOBAL | FEBRUARY 2020

Author: Fr Charbel

Intro: A refreshing statement by Fr Charbel on marriage, the coming-of-age of parenting and the misplaced importance of societal pressure.

“Honour you father and mother” Yes honour them, respect them, care for them, love them, but do not obey them in everything. Only God demands to be obeyed in everything. It is beautiful for me, a Frenchman, to see the virtues of filial devotion and respect to elders practiced by so many grown- ups in India, much more than in my own country where elders are so often neglected and parents’ advice disregarded. It is however a source of concern to see so many young adults living all their lives lying and hiding, because of the overbearing authority their parents claim to have on their lives; to see children of catholic families taking major decision in their lives, not with the purpose of doing the will of God or fulfilling their vocation, rather to do the will of their parents and not to disappoint or dishonour them. 

There lies a wrong conception of honour and of the duty to obey one’s parents. Pope Francis tells us: “The Gospel goes on to remind us that children are not the property of a family, but have their own lives to lead. Jesus is a model of obedience to his earthly parents, placing himself under their charge (cf. Lk 2:51), but he also shows that children’s life decisions and their Christian vocation may demand a parting for the sake of the Kingdom of God (cf. Mt 10:34-37; Lk 9:59- 62).”¹ 

 The good or bad name of a family is too often judged by worldly standards and is wrongly called, even in catholic circles, it’s “honour”. To act and to live as a disciple of Jesus is not to take that kind of “honour” as the measure of our lives, but the will of God. This is for everyone and for every family the place of a radical option: do we live according to the way the world (and in these matters, the “world” is sometimes our closest relatives) looks at us or do we live according to the way God looks at us? “The world is passing away and the lust of it, but he who does the will of God remains for ever.”(1Jn, 2, 17).  Pope Francis again enlightens us: 

‘’A society with children who do not honour parents is a society without honour… It is a society destined to be filled with surly and greedy young people”. There is, however, another side to the coin. As the word of God tells us, “a man leaves his father and his mother” (Gen 2:24). This does not always happen, and a marriage is hampered by the failure to make this necessary sacrifice and surrender. Parents must not be abandoned or ignored, but marriage itself demands that they be “left”, so that the new home will be a true hearth, a place of security, hope and future plans, and the couple can truly become “one flesh” (ibid.).”²   

So, there is a necessary autonomy from one’s parents which is necessary not only for those called to a special consecration but for all christians because all christians need to answer their personal vocation as a disciple of Jesus, especially in marriage. It does not mean that they need to be completely cut off from their parents, but it does mean that they need some space to take personal decisions and build a new union of love and that the authority of parents has limits. It does not extend to life choices. Here, parents can advise -and indeed these advices should not be lightly overlooked- but they cannot command. It is the traditional doctrine of the Church that parents that “children are not bound to obey their parents in the question of contracting marriage or of remaining in the state of virginity”³. The pope goes on with a practical example which illustrate that it is not only about life choices but about day to day matters: 

“In some marriages, one spouse keeps secrets from the other, confiding them instead to his or her parents. As a result, the opinions of their parents become more important than the feelings and opinions of their spouse. This situation cannot go on for long, and even if it takes time, both spouses need to make the effort to grow in trust and communication. Marriage challenges husbands and wives to find new ways of being sons and daughters.”⁴  

The personal choice that spouses have made of each other, demands to be embodied in a preferential bond of trust and simplicity. This bond does not replace previous bonds existing with one’s parents but it does transform them. By committing oneself to someone else in marriage, young people accept to re-order their life including their relation with parents and relatives. This new kind of relation to parents implies a new distance which can be painfully experienced sometimes but which should be joyfully accepted by parents as a sign that they have well performed their mission to educate their children and to help them acquire the capacity to take their lives into their own hands. To accept joyfully this parting with one’s children is an essential dimension of what being a father or a mother means. If it does not take place, parental love gets easily corrupted through possessiveness. Little by little the relation between grown up children and parents should become less a relation of authority and obedience and more and more a respectful companionship and friendship made of mutual support and discreet advice.

1 The joy of love 18

² The joy of love 189, 190

³ Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, Iia, IIae, Question 104, article 5

⁴ The joy of love 190

Fr Charbel, originally from France, belongs to the community of St John and is currently living in Pondicherry, India. He preaches retreats and supports youth and young families, especially with marriage issues and discerning vocation. He is currently the Chaplain for JY Tamilnadu