HOW PORN DESTROYS MARRIAGE | KAIROS GLOBAL | MARCH 2024

Author: Vincy Stephenson

Intro: Pornography, not only affects the person who is watching it but the family and friends the person is connected to, writes Vincy Stephenson about the harmful effects of porn.

The porn industry is one of the leading industries today thriving solely due to its rising demand. Surveys indicate that between 55% and 70% of men, and 30% and 40% of women under the age of 40 engage with pornography. It has been revealed that individuals collectively spend 4.5 billion hours on this platform. More importantly, statistics reveal that 1 in 6 married couples acknowledges pornography as a source of conflict within their marriage. 

Why Married Couples Fall into Porn Addiction?

Initially, many couples engage in pornography out of curiosity to explore their sexuality. Unmet needs and dissatisfaction in marriage could be another reason. Individuals might feel that their sexual desires remain unfulfilled within the confines of their marital relationship, leading them to seek satisfaction through pornography. This could be a sign of some other underlying issue which needs to be addressed. 

For some, the allure of porn lies in its perceived role as an escape from challenges within the relationship, such as communication barriers, intimacy issues, and other unresolved conflicts. It becomes a coping mechanism to navigate these difficulties. Furthermore, the widespread availability and accessibility of porn through various media channels contribute to the likelihood of individuals developing an addiction to it.

In essence, the engagement with pornography within a relationship may stem from a range of motivations, including curiosity, unmet needs, dissatisfaction, and the desire to cope with relational challenges. Understanding these factors is crucial for addressing the root causes and fostering healthier connections within a marriage.

How Porn Affects the Covenantal Relationship 

The sacrament of marriage has a divine purpose. Marriage, according to the Catholic Church, ‘is a sacred covenant between a man and a woman, a partnership of love and self-giving that is ordered towards the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of children’ (CCC 1601). It is meant to be a lifelong commitment of mutual love and support. This covenantal relationship fulfils man’s highest ideals of love, respect, and selflessness. Love, therefore, is not just an emotion but a spiritual and moral obligation here. It is a conjugal union based on love and not lust!

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5: 27-28). Jesus' words invite us to cultivate a pure heart and mindset, free from objectification, prejudice, and harmful judgments. This purity of heart enables us to recognise and honour the dignity of every person, treating them with the same love and respect that we desire for ourselves. 

Watching porn clearly distorts this purpose and leads us to sin in our thoughts and deeds. 

Breaks Trust

Trust is a major component for a healthy and thriving marriage. We have seen that marriage is a covenantal relationship that involves self-giving love between the husband and wife. The Word of God consistently calls for faithfulness, trust, and mutual respect within the marital relationship. When engaging in adult content, you are exploring the physical attributes of a person, other than your spouse, whom the Lord has created with inherent dignity, all in pursuit of satisfying your sexual desires.  Engaging in or being exposed to pornography can distort one's understanding of human sexuality, intimacy, and the purpose of marital love. You are thus breaking your trust with your spouse, whom the Lord has entrusted you through the covenantal relationship of the sacrament. Your spouse will feel betrayed, rejected and insecure, and this gradually leads to emotional distancing. Your spouse may also feel unworthy or inadequate due to your involvement with pornography. Emotional intimacy with your spouse ends there. 

Objectifies and Creates Unrealistic Expectations

Exposure to unrealistic and erotic adult content may lead you to seek to replicate those scenarios with your spouse for personal satisfaction. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, this can result in the objectification of your spouse, promoting a distorted and self-centred perspective on sexuality. According to St John Paul II, the opposite of love is being used. This concept becomes evident in the marital relationships of those addicted to pornography, where the mental images or videos they've consumed take precedence during intimate moments, essentially replacing their spouse. In doing so, one fails to appreciate the dignity and uniqueness of their partner.

 You are thus committing adultery in a different way by seeing another person in place of your spouse, without valuing his/her dignity and uniqueness. An act which is to be done with great love and respect is, therefore, distorted.  It contributes to a culture of selfishness, where one's own desires and gratification take precedence over the well-being and happiness of the spouse. This contradicts the virtue of chastity within marriage and transforms a sacred union into a self-serving endeavour.

Marital Infidelity and Addiction

Many individuals who consume pornography often say that it is not harmful as it does not harm anyone. As it is done within the walls of their privacy, secretly, no one even knows or cares about it. Maybe it is true when considering our family members or friends. Privacy may shield our activities from human eyes, but the awareness that a higher presence is always watching should prompt reflection on the moral implications of our choices. Let us come to our senses. As the children of God, we are called to be holy and blameless before God (Philippians 2:15).

Studies show that just like drug addiction, porn videos and images also rewire and harm the brain. It alters the way the brain registers pleasure. Thus, watching porn videos becomes more interesting to you than the real sex. You will become dissatisfied with your marital sex. It can affect your good family relationships as well. This addiction can consume your time, energy, and emotional investment, which can negatively impact the marital relationship and your overall well-being. Research reveals that 40% of sex addicts lose their spouses, 58% face financial loss, and another 33 percent lose their jobs. 

Corrupts Intimacy with Your Spouse

As porn watchers gradually find more interest in the virtual world than the real one, they try to isolate themselves from others and find more pleasure in being alone. It hijacks the brain’s reward system. Pornographic images trigger exciting pleasure, but nothing on the side of satisfying pleasure. It creates neurobiological changes. Increased level of dopamine hit is common in porn watchers. This leads to several mental disorders such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), schizophrenia, paranoia, hallucinations and OCDs. 

Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s spirit dwells in you? (1 Corinthians 3:16) 

Erectile dysfunction is said to be very common in men who are porn addicts. Forgetting the procreative purpose, pornography leads one to masturbation as a means of providing self-serving satisfaction. As porn lovers live in a world of fantasy, gradually they fail in their marital relationship. It is no more a self-giving or mutually reciprocating intimacy for life, with your spouse. It is all centred on you and you alone. The dangerous thing about porn watching is that married people soon lose the ability to be faithful and loyal to their spouse. They may find it difficult to break away from the habit. Pornography, not only affects the person who is watching it, but the family and friends the person is connected to. This can have devastating effects on their marriage, even leading to separation and divorce.

Break the Lies!

Pornography harms married couples’ communication and sexual desire, which leads to unsatisfied marital relationships. Recognising the potential dangers of this addiction is crucial, and taking prompt action to safeguard your marriage and prevent it from consuming your life is imperative. To break free from this bondage, the first step is acknowledging the issue and making a deliberate effort to seek help. Open communication with your spouse can be a constructive approach for some couples, as shame and frustration often empower this darkness. Don't let these emotions hinder you from taking the right steps.

It is essential to understand that unrealistic images and sexual fantasies are often planted in our hearts by negative influences. Renounce these influences and seek deliverance from such actions and associated negative spirits in Jesus’ name. Embrace the blessings of the heavenly Father. Additionally, cultivate virtuous practices of self-discipline and self-control, incorporating spiritual activities such as regular Bible reading, confession, and participation in Holy Mass. These practices contribute to a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Remember, with God's grace and your commitment, you can overcome the addiction. The sacrament of marriage, through the grace of God, offers couples the necessary strength and support to confront and overcome the challenges posed by pornography. It is this grace which empowers them to face the difficulties together, fostering open communication, trust, and mutual accountability. With God's grace and the commitment of both spouses, you can heal wounds, restore purity, and build a strong foundation for a healthy and virtuous life together.

So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate (Matthew 19:6).

Vincy Stephenson is a content writer and translator by profession. She lives in Trivandrum, India with her husband, Sybin and their three children.