FROM FEAR TO LOVE | KAIROS GLOBAL | APRIL 2024

Author: Hema Samaria Stephen

Intro: Hema Samaria Stephen shares the story of how she came to the Catholic faith.

I come from a Hindu family, was born and brought up in Mumbai. My childhood was very good, happy and secure. We practiced the Hindu faith, occasional temple visits, pujas, etc.

From an early age, I was curious about my Hindu faith and would read and attend lectures on it. The process of reincarnation both fascinated and alarmed me. Growing up in Mumbai, in the well-known and Christian populated suburb of Bandra, I was surrounded by many churches, and attended a convent school. But besides attending the annual Mount Mary Shrine and occasional visits to the school chapel, I had no special inclination towards the Christian faith. However, I do have fond memories of Mary’s grotto and praying there. I also found myself visiting church for my special needs and for thanksgiving. Jesus was one of the many gods I worshipped.

Marriage got me to Banglore, my husband Vijay was a man of faith and devoted to his daily prayers and temple visits. Jesus was another one God for him too! We as a family would visit the nearby Infant Jesus Shrine at times. Our puja room represented an assorted chocolate box – we had every Hindu deity, including a picture of Jesus.

Life was moving well, we were a small family with a daughter and we were getting ready to move into our new house when out of the blue, my hale and hearty husband of 42 years was detected, with vocal cord cancer! My entire world came crashing down, what started with an ordinary cough was pronounced as the big C! It was just the beginning of my worst nightmares. Little did I know that it would lead me to encounter the man who loves me the most… JESUS!

We started the required treatment immediately, the doctors were hopeful since it was an impending cancer and my husband had age and otherwise good health on his side

Initially all looked favourable but a few sessions into radiation left my husband drained out. I quit work and my husband started to wind down his business too. Apparently, it was an aggressive and recurring tumour. 

 The next few years saw my husband going through aggressive treatments, chemo, steroids, removal of his voice box, and the untold pain and suffering. He was unable to talk, or swallow due to the tracheostomy, and was fed only through tubes. However he was mentally very strong. I believe it was his faith that saw him through! Thirty-three fractions of radiation, and other aggressive treatments had left this otherwise robust person weak and fragile but yet I could see and experience him as a very positive and strong person.

Meanwhile my emotional state was not good, it was difficult to see him go through so much. I was gripped with fear and anxiety and experienced panic attacks which had to be medically treated. Besides I was the sole carer, had a house and daughter to look after too. My parents would fly down from Mumbai to help too but old age has its own limitations so I juggled all the time.

By now my husband had lost his ability to speak. His voice had been his greatest asset as he was a very articulate person, a good singer and an outspoken nonstop talker! The cancer had started to spread and his condition worsened.

It was around this time that we came in touch with Christian priests who prayed for us in the hospital. The next was visits by some of our Christian friends and before I knew, I came in touch with various Christian denominations and prayer groups. Soon we had a lot of Christians from various denominations praying for us. At that time I had no clue about the Catholic faith and thought all denominations were the same.

By now I had tried all the medical treatment available, the many alternative treatments, various pujas and pilgrimages, was emotionally, physically, and financially drained. Jesus seemed the last resort…I wanted to give him a try (taste and see the Lord is good)!

We were led to a Hindu convert living close by, who was said to pray and heal people. This person knew the Bible well and he had some good Bible sessions with us. He once told me that Jesus is the true living God, I had never heard this before but it had an immediate and profound impact on me. I now realise how fear can cripple our minds and make it so weak that we succumb so easily into various occult practices and demands. However, God writes straight through crooked lines. God chose this person to convey his message to me. Jesus is the true living God! Soon by God’s grace, I found a good Catholic group that comforted, encouraged and prayed with us.

My husband was now declared terminally ill. Every tried treatment had failed and he was admitted to Karunashray, home for terminally ill cancer patients at Whitefield. A place of no return!

However I was hopeful and did not give up, I trusted my new-found true living God, he would not fail me. I would spend time at the chapel in Karunashray regularly. My husband’s condition worsened. He was unable to swallow or breathe and was now unaware of the surroundings and was losing memory. His condition was so bad that even doctors left the room due to festering wounds and the continuous foul-smelling discharge.

In all humility, I must admit that this was the most difficult and anxious time of my married life but God’s grace saw me through and I emerged as a strong and supportive wife and caretaker.

The test of any marriage is when you put yourself on a shelf and go beyond your comfort zone, when your love endures all the sleepless nights, the pressure and discomfort of a cancer hospital, the unfavourable test reports, the discouraging treatments, the loneliness, fear and uncertain future but yet your constant and reassuring presence is there for your loved one (Love is kind, patient…). It was here that I first heard the hymn, ‘Shepherd of my soul.’ I would hear it over and over again trying to make some sense of the lyrics.

The doctors told me to let go, but I had immense hope, a hope that certainly a miracle would happen. 

On June 22, 2017 my husband passed away after a four-year battle. I rushed to the hospital to find him at rest, the Karunashray sisters had gathered there and I requested them to pray. The next few moments I was alone in that room, in total disbelief; a sense of deep disappointment crept over me. Jesus, how could this happen? I felt totally at a loss. What happened to all the faith and trust I had in him?

The next few minutes I was alone in that room, I looked up to the blank wall and told Jesus I would not give up on him. I actually found myself telling him these words: Don’t worry, I am not giving up on you! I have no clue what came over me or why I responded like that just moments after my great loss but it was with deep conviction that I had decided not to leave Jesus.

Just simple faith, no questions asked, no great reading of the Bible or prayer time. Years into the faith now, I still crave for that moment of simple faith.

By this time my near ones were informed. A priest was arranged to recite prayers. He read Psalm 21. We had an electric cremation. The last rites are important in any family and I made sure I didn’t hurt the sentiments of my in-laws.

The next few months were an extension of my nightmare, my in-laws disowned us. I lost property, money and was left to fend for myself and a young 14-year-old daughter. God has blessed me with good parents who supported me in many ways and I was back to work again. In the meantime, I started attending prayer meetings and catechism classes. I did away with all my collection of Hindu deities and scripture books much to the dismay of my otherwise supportive parents.

However I was left very bitter at the treatment and behaviour of my in-laws who deserted me in my time of need. My mom who didn’t encourage the Catholic faith but who had been convent educated suddenly reminded me of Jesus’ words ‘Father forgive them…’ I was stunned and took it as a challenge. I realised that forgiveness is the foundation to the Catholic faith, I wouldn’t be able to follow my new faith if I carried the load of unforgiveness. It definitely was not going to be easy, but with prayer, support, and daily Bible reading I was gradually able to let go!

I had now met a good Catholic and a true disciple of Jesus, a person who truly lived the talk, Mr Terrence Loy Dsouza a CA by profession but totally sold out for Christ. He is responsible for my faith formation and truly cared for my soul. Under his guidance, we as a group went for missionary work to various schools giving retreats and programmes to the students and staff. He was involved in various other projects helping, praying and counselling people. A living saint would best describe this humble man of God. Sadly he died suddenly, but his teachings and wisdom gave me the strength to move on.

Today I am a new mother-in-law and soon to be grand mom. Life certainly has not been easy, a single parent to my daughter, conversion to the new faith… but through it all God definitely has worked it out for good.

People often ask me why I converted. What did Jesus do, he couldn’t save your husband… the questions are never-ending.

Looking back I can see how I have evolved and matured in my faith. I never came to Jesus because I had some love for him or any desire to follow the Catholic faith. I came with a selfish need, hoping he would find a way. I came in utter desperation but Jesus opened his arms and accepted me just the way I was. He made me realise what true prayer and God’s will was, he transformed my many years of conditional thinking on prayer, faith and God.

Yes he taught me the true meaning of pain, suffering, disappointment and loss.

I learnt from Brother Terence about the meaning of the Catholic faith, about how it’s not a religion but our relationship that matters, and how everything is but an overflow of our relationship. I grew under his guidance, read the Bible, got baptised, attended Logos retreats, and much more.

Today, I do at times struggle with a lot of issues, wavering faith, imperfection, worry, but I know deep within I have a friend to turn to, a friend who understands and accepts me unconditionally. It’s not about my life, my dreams or my ways, but his.

There are seeds of truth in all religions and while I respect every faith I found my fullness in the Catholic faith, it answered many of my timeless unresolved issues. I realised that our God is not to be feared but loved and respected. I grew from rituals to a relationship, from fear of God to love of God, from mere chanting to actual understanding, from a distant God to a God who is so close to us. I learnt to overcome the many learnt superstitions and working in fear to operating in love.

Above all, I learnt to empty myself to God, to be honest and transparent about all my weaknesses and shortcomings, to be able to tell him about my thoughts, my wavering faith, my going easy on my prayer life, knowing well that he would forgive and encourage me through incidents and good Catholic friends and I look upon striving and doing my best in my journey with God.

I understood him as a loving father whom we have to trust. Above all I learnt and am still learning to accept his plans, his way for us, his grace to overcome all our disappointments. I was given disciplined prayer constants by Brother Terrence, he taught me about life’s most beautiful and powerful weapon, PRAYER.

I dedicate my testimony to my late guide, friend and godfather …Terrence Loy Dsouza and end with his most loved scripture: All things work out for those who love God.

Friends do say a little prayer for him. 

A Hindu by birth and Sindhi by culture, Hema Samaria Stephen is now blessed to be Catholic by faith. She lives in Bangalore, India.