ENCOUNTER - FINDING GOD IN THE SILENCE | KAIROS GLOBAL | DECEMBER 2018

Author: Elizabeth Philip

Intro: Elizabeth Philip shares the freedom and the peace she experienced when she let herself into the love of her loving Father in heaven

In my personal journey with the Jesus Youth movement, I have noticed a big change this year. It used to be that during our prayer meetings it was commonplace to say, “we need to improve our personal prayer life.” Just a few months ago I heard this same question again, but this time when I thought about it, my answer had changed. It was a “Yes.” Since that moment, I found myself set on a journey that is ongoing, where I finally have a personal prayer life, and my prayer life in general is doing great! It was through this journey that I realised once again that Christ really had touched my life in a personal, loving and humble way.

In March of this year, I went on a silent retreat conducted by the priests of Miles Christi. It’s an order of priests from Argentina whose goal is the sanctification of the laity, particularly of young men and women. This specific retreat was to walk us briefly though the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises and to help us to connect with God through silence. Initially when I was introduced to it I had no interest in it, thinking that it would be just another retreat. I had my reasons – for the past year or so, I was trying to keep myself together relying solely on my own strength and with the help of a few close people. So I didn’t feel the need of a retreat to keep me going. I was on a “running away from God” phase, trying to find meaning in life. I also thought that as I am already socially awkward and quiet, being more silent might make me depressed in a way.

Then suddenly things took a turn for worse at work. A coworker I depended on so much announced that she was leaving! I realized about a few weeks later that something needed to change in my life. I had not made any decisions about the retreat but I thought it would be a good time to run away from it all now and go spend time with one of my elders from my prayer group. My life was being broken apart. I was stuck and I had nowhere to run. At work I had a meeting with my manager. I expressed my frustrations with my current situation and I confessed that I wanted to leave my current team and join a new team. My manager was onboard and ready to switch me. I asked her to give me a little more time to think about it and she was happy to provide me with that time. 

It was a Friday, one day after my co-worker had left and I set out on a journey towards the retreat with my elder. We had a two and a half hour journey to Sloatesburg, New York. I was just enjoying the moments thinking in my mind, “let me leave everything behind, I know I will be happier moving to the other team and the manager of the other team was also my sister’s good friend.” I had been suffering and from what I believed at that moment was being “bullied”. I was sure I could run away from my own emotions this way. I was fleeing. Then we reached a critical moment on the road trip. The roads were so slick and icy as it had been snowing. And suddenly in front of us, we saw was a big hill right before the entrance of the retreat house. I was reluctant to continue up that way but my elder pushed the car to its limits and kept going. As we moved up the hill we started slipping and the car slid back almost hitting a pole. I thought we would not make it and that maybe we should call someone for help. Of course, my elder was in her own world at this point and she really wasn’t paying attention to my comments. She was somehow confident that we would make it up the hill. I gave up and just trusted her. I started searching on google how to climb up a snow covered hill. The engine was revving loudly and in a moment of awe and shock, she managed to drive the car all the way up the hill. This time we made it all the way. I got out of the car and saw the track the car made as we struggled up the hill. There was a beautiful view of the snow covered woods and I couldn’t believe that we had made it to the centre!

We arrived at the convent where we would stay. It felt out of place for me in the beginning and to make matters worse, we were late. But we got there in time for the Holy Mass, which was followed by the first and second spiritual exercises. The second spiritual exercise though is what moved me. It was about “giving glory to God.” It spoke directly to me because God was asking me who I was giving glory to in my life. To God or to myself? Who knew me best and who had good plans for me – myself or God? The answer was so simple, yet this was the first time it struck me so hard and made sense of everything. I could no longer afford to be selfish. I needed to give all that I was to God and he would take care of me. 

All three days of the retreat, I was anxious especially thinking about my life and my decision to stay back with my team. But the silence nourished me spiritually and mentally and made me realize that I had been running away from a Loving God. I gave everything up to Jesus. I had time to talk with a priest and set some spiritual goals for myself, as well as go for confession. I also had a heart to heart talk with my elder. Overall it was the best and most rewarding retreat experience I’ve ever had. 

The spiritual zeal I gained there continues today where the Holy Spirit wills it. I believe from that moment onwards my life and my relationships have changed. The best part of the experience was going back to work and going back to our hugging routine. Being able to say “good morning” to my family and showering them with love. And the very best part was coming back to our prayer group with the zeal that I felt l I had missed out on in the last year! My life is now focused on God and where he wants to lead me. In prayer and in fellowship, I am hoping to follow his voice in me from now on.