DIVING DEEP INTO MELANCHLIC | KAIROS GLOBAL | DECEMBER 2022

Author: Jilu Chengat

Intro: In this third part of the series on the Temperaments, Jilu Chengat describes the melancholic. 

This month, we will reflect on another of the four temperaments, the melancholic. St John the Evangelist, with his beautiful and poetic reflections in Scripture, likely had a melancholic temperament! 

Like St John’s writings reveal, one of the greatest strengths of a melancholic is a deeply reflective nature. You might find them engrossed in puzzles or pondering the beauty of nature, as they truly enjoy solitary activities. You may be surprised by their sadness for Jesus on the cross or their attentiveness to the homeless on the street. Cultivating this inner richness and directing it to a personal relationship with God will develop a strong foundation for a melancholic child’s life. Melancholics will likely respond well to spiritual practices such as Lectio Divina or contemplation, where they are encouraged to reflect more deeply. At the same time, they may struggle with practices like praying the Rosary during family prayer unless given a task to count the prayers or memorise the mysteries. 

The strong-willed melancholic struggles with pride but in quite a different way than a choleric. Their stubbornness in matters may be frustrating, but upon dialogue, you may find a somewhat logical explanation. While they may appear to be lazy, deeper probing will likely find roots of perfectionism which prevent them from acting. Providing small manageable tasks, and guiding your melancholic child with affirmations and encouragement, will give them hope. When they experience failure, commend them on their perseverance and effort. Without this, they can become paralyzed by their own self-doubt and self-criticism. As such, it is important to nurture a positive outlook in a melancholic child. A simple spiritual exercise may include giving thanks for three things that happened that day. This daily reminder of joy and gratitude will be a powerful antidote to the natural discouragement and moodiness to which they are prone.

As with all temperaments, it is helpful to be creative with your parenting. Since such children may not demand attention because of their reserved natures, it is essential for a parent to provide a consistent personal time for sharing and reflection. A melancholic child will have many thoughts but need time and space to feel comfortable to share. Like all temperaments, melancholics tend towards certain behavioral characteristics, both positive and negative, but knowledge of these natural tendencies provides strong foundations for parenting future saints!

Be Fathered

When in relationship with God the Father, parenting can lead to your own inner healing.  It requires self-awareness and intentionality to let the Father heal us through the gift of our child, who may be very much like ourselves! Let’s see how this can play out.

Daniel tripped over his son Nathan’s building blocks. Catching himself on the couch before falling, he became irritated at all the toys lying all around and called his son’s name. Excited, his son came running into the room, but stopped short when he looked at the toys. 

‘Dad! You broke my creation! I spent all morning making this block village. You are holding the police station in your hand!’ 

Daniel started to respond back when a quick flashback from his own childhood came to mind. He could see himself, about 6-years-old, wiping tears quietly from his eyes. He remembered that just a few moments before, his mom had cleaned up his room, throwing out the folded newspaper creatures that he had spent weeks carefully making. He knew there was no point sharing his sadness with her because she always told him that he was wasting his time when he should be learning or playing outside.

Daniel was brought back to the present by his son’s persistent voice. He knelt down and asked Nathan to show him all the parts of the village. Nathan spent the next 20 minutes describing what he had built, beaming with pride. Daniel gave him a big hug and told Nathan that he was so proud of him. Nathan responded that he just wanted to be like his dad who drew and made buildings.

Later that evening, as Daniel was sharing this experience with his wife, he felt God’s voice in his heart. The Father whispered to Daniel that just like Daniel saw Nathan’s joy, God the Father appreciated the way that Daniel saw the world, in its beauty and order. God was the one who had led Daniel to his job as an architectural engineer, where he could envision and bring to life the elaborate plans that he saw in his mind. He felt a grace to forgive his parents for not seeing his gifts and thanked God for his providence and the healing that he had received. He resolved to take note of Nathan’s creations and encourage him more in the future! 

Can you relate? Are you a melancholic parent? How may God be inviting you to receive healing in your temperament so that you can more confidently and generously parent your child? 

The Temperaments of the Saints!

It always helps to look to the saints as a model of virtue. Like all of us, saints had blessings and challenges that came with their temperament. Let’s look at a famous melancholic saint.

The life of St Edith Stein (Benedicta of the Cross) reveals that it is possible for a melancholic to experience the joy of heaven on earth through a perfection & purification of their temperament. She possessed strong ideals that often came in conflict with the struggling realities of the world and faith, but she found hope in the person of Christ and in her conversion to Catholicism. She struggled with depression and doubt but continued to follow Christ to the point of martyrdom. As parents, we have a beautiful privilege of redirecting our melancholic children to the hope of eternal life and their own futures as saints, on both sides of heaven! 

Jilu Chengat lives in Massachusetts, USA where she lives out her missionary call as a wife and mother to four children. She enjoys writing and accompanying young people as they discern the voice of God in their lives.