COVID BLESSINGS | KAIROS GLOBAL | NOVEMBER 2020

Author: Dr. Sindhu Nadarajan

Intro: The closing down of churches was an indescribable grief for Dr. Sindhu Nadarajan. And yet, God drew closer to her as she thirsted for Him.

When I initially heard that churches would have to close down in the wake of Covid-19, I never thought that it would actually happen. Something like that had never happened in the history of the Church, even during great plagues! Finally, when it did happen, it was such an emotional melodrama for me. Our last Mass at the church we go to daily, was almost full and the people were very emotional. The Perpetual Adoration chapel – where we would go for Adoration any time of the day – also had to be closed. This in the midst of a people waiting upon the Lord, taking in His ‘real presence’ as much as possible before the door closed, not knowing when it would open again. I felt very sad and was in tears when I called my spiritual director and priest-friends for solace. I was advised to follow the lead from the Lord.

The most profound insight came from the then-Deacon Thomas Pulickal, who deeply sympathised with me and while talking with me, told me that Pope Benedict XVI had written about Eucharistic Fasting. Later he sent me pages 86-88 of the book, Pilgrim Fellowship of Faith by the Pope. I was amazed to learn that St Augustine, towards the end of his life excommunicated himself to enter into the sorrow and shame of those excommunicated brethren, who seek forgiveness and grace through the pain of not receiving Communion and to meet his crucified Lord in the poverty of those who hunger and thirst for righteousness! I couldn’t believe that the same saint who wrote extensively on the mystery of the Church as a communion with the Body of Christ, and as the Body of Christ, would do something like that! Personally I believed that the Eucharist would never be taken away from me; and that even if I was on my deathbed, the Lord would come to me, like He has done many times. We never realised the value of this great gift until it ceased to be freely available! Pope Benedict went on to explain how early Christians would often deny themselves Eucharist on Good Friday to enter fully into ‘the sorrow of the Bride from whom her Bridegroom is taken away’! (Mark2:20). He states that it is thus desirable to opt for such Eucharistic Fast once in a while to enter deeply into this great mystery!

This created a deep movement within my soul and I found myself yearning ‘to enter into the sorrow of the bride from whom her beloved is taken away.’ But a part of me longed for my ‘Daily Bread’ in the Eucharist which was never denied me for the last twenty-five years, some point after my initial conversion. 

The first day after churches were closed to public, I couldn’t stay home in the morning and went to our church, which was just few minutes from my home. We always preferred to live close to a church wherever we’ve stayed in the past twenty years. I could see the tabernacle through the glass door on one side of the chapel. I would go here daily for Adoration before Mass, ever since I felt that the Lord wanted me to spend time before Him. He had given me the conviction that the power radiating from the monstrance worked in me in an even more powerful way than the radiation we give to cancer patients. He told me that our radiation kills only the cancer cells ... but His radiation (from the Blessed Sacrament) could not only eliminate the cancer of my soul but also infuse grace into my soul in ways that I could not comprehend! I simply believed that and no matter how tired or busy I was, I never missed showing up for this daily dose of radiation! So on that day I was so sad but still showed up like Mary Magdalene. I knelt outside the door and looked to the tabernacle and started to do my breviary as I used to daily. I couldn’t control my tears as I scrolled through the psalm where the psalmist thirsts for the presence of the Lord. I started complaining to the Lord, ‘O Lord, during those times before my baptism when I couldn’t receive you during Mass, I could at least go and touch those who had received you and thus receive you ... now what am I to do? There is nobody around who can receive communion ... it would have been better if You took me to yourself before such a thing happened, Lord ...’ After crying for some time I touched the glass door and said, ‘Lord this is the closest I can come to you now. I have placed my hands here, can you reach out and touch me from the tabernacle Lord?!’ The next moment I felt the Lord reaching out His hands from the tabernacle and touching me! I stood there for a long time crying. Then an old priest, who was visiting the area came to the church to say his private Mass. He talked to me and invited me to participate in the Mass. I couldn’t believe that.... I could only imagine the joy of Mary Magdalene when she was visited by our Lord outside the tomb! This priest told me that my family and I could attend his personal Mass for as long as he was there!

And so after the churches were closed, I had the privilege to go for personal Mass for few days. But it also pricked my heart that I could do this while all my friends and brothers and sisters all over the world were fasting! On the third morning, after I was all dressed to go for Mass, there was a tug of war within me – to go or fast. I threw my car keys away and sat on the sofa, crying and decided not to go as I felt it unfair when nobody in that parish had that same privilege. My husband told me that it was the right thing to do. The whole day I found myself lamenting and in great sorrow – as if my husband had passed away. I shared this with Sunil (my husband), who tried to console me, but I couldn’t be. In the evening as I was talking to my daughter about this deep sadness, she told me, ‘Mom you were talking about this sorrow of the bride yesterday and today you’re very sad. This simply means that you’ve entered into such a sorrow.’ That really put me at ease ... even though I had to battle this deep sorrow for few more days. Slowly I quietened myself. 

One day after participating in morning Mass online, they exposed the Blessed Sacrament and I prostrated myself on the floor in grief asking the Lord, ‘When can I enter into your real presence, Lord?!’ Immediately I saw the Lord kneeling beside me, He bent down and picked me up from the floor and started rocking me in His arms, while kneeling! I was amazed to see myself in His arms like a new-born baby wrapped in a blanket. He started speaking to me, ‘See, you’re like a new born baby to me, that doesn’t know what it wants or how to make its desires known. As a parent who is ever eager to attend to a little child’s needs, I will attend to you. I will make sure that you lack nothing.’ Then he continued rocking me and in that embrace all my sorrows vanished and a tremendous peace filled my soul. When I had asked, ‘When can I enter into your presence’, His presence was immediately felt where I was! 

Another awesome thing was that we went to so many churches, communities, seminaries and convents all over the world for family Mass and Adoration all from our living room! The world literally came to us. Through all these experiences I understood that there is absolutely nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ. Like we read in the scriptures, What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, will he not also give us all things with him? ... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written,

“For thy sake we are being killed all the day long;

we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

Now, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  (Rom8:31-32 & 35-39)

 The churches have opened in this part of the world where I’m living and I’m back to my normal life of daily Adoration, Mass, weekly Confession, etc. with social distancing.  But with deep appreciation and gratitude for all these that I took for granted and I will never forget how close God was to me during those times: He was as close to me as He was before and after this closing of churches. 

I do not concern myself with great matters

    Or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

    My soul is quietened like a child on its mother’s breast ... (Ps 131:1,2)

Even in prayer I think I have to do things to please God. God is inviting us to enter into His rest ...let him do for us what He want to do. Our weakness is not being able to receive God’s love and that is where the Holy Spirit helps us. God’s love is poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit (Rom 5:4).

Sainthood is achieved through pure grace which is freely given to us and holiness is, Christ in me. God is doing something beautiful in our lives even during these difficult times. Let His name be praised. Without God knowing or allowing, nothing will happen in the lives of His beloved. (Rom 8:28)

Dr. Sindhu Nadarajan, a doctor by profession and a pioneer of the JY Prolife Ministry lives in Florida, USA with husband Sunil and their five children. They are currently full-time missionaries with Dr. Sindhu, a part of the International Mission Team.