HOW TO KEEP YOUR CHILD EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY | KAIROS GLOBAL | NOVEMBER 2020

Author: Swapna Antony

Intro: Swapna Antony talks to parents about the importance of meeting children's emotional needs and shares ten practical tips to create an emotionally healthy home environment.

What did you think of Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music? Did you find him a good parent?  He wanted the very best for his children, gave them an education and made sure that they were well-provided-for. Why were the children so unruly then? What was he missing?

What are children's emotional needs?

Captain Von Trapp may not be an exception. What if I challenged you to close your eyes for a few seconds and mentally list your children's emotional needs? How far could you go? Children have a range of emotional needs – like their need for a sense of calm, positive self-esteem, security, love, empathy, attention, autonomy, approval, acceptance and appreciation. Did you know this is the foundation of your children’s lifetime mental health?

Are emotional needs really so important?

Erik Erikson, a noted Harvard-Berkeley-Yale professor and developmental psychologist, explained that laying a strong foundation of trust and self-confidence during childhood is essential to raise a mentally healthy person. When a parent (or a parental figure) responds to and comforts a crying baby or an anxious adolescent, the child develops trust. On the other hand, when a parent does not respond to their child's emotional needs, it leads to poor self-esteem, behavioural problems, poor academic performance and even future issues like emotional dysregulation, relationship struggles, fear of abandonment, substance abuse and suicidal tendencies. 

How can you meet children's emotional needs during COVID-19?

COVID-19 has caused a very difficult situation in families. Separation and isolation from friends, teachers and playgrounds have increased children's need for emotional care while fear of infection and loss of support systems have increased parental stress. 

Here are ten practical suggestions to create an emotionally healthy environment at home: 

1. Control your screen time: Yes, we are talking about YOUR media use, not theirs. In order to be able to notice your children's emotional needs, you need to practice mindfulness and develop healthy media habits. 

2. Pay attention: Children need to feel loved. They need to believe that they are very important to you – it’s the foundation for their self-esteem. So, put down your phone, look in the eye and pay full attention when they talk to you. 

3. Regulate news consumption: Having a sense of safety and being stress-free is essential for children’s healthy brain development. So, be mindful of their exposure to TV news through the day and especially near their bedtime. 

4. Use a calm, assertive tone of speech: Create a sense of security in your child by using a calm, assertive tone of speech always – whether you are disagreeing with your spouse, talking to your colleagues on phone or disciplining your child.

5. Be friendly to your spouse:  Share household work including child care responsibilities equitably. Let your children see you either having a pleasant conversation over tea or sharing a laugh. It's a great air freshener and helps your child feel, ‘all is well’. If you have serious conflicts with your spouse, get help.

6. Allow autonomy: Your children are now at home all the time, but that doesn't mean that you control every minute of their time. Give them a broad time table, but allow them age-appropriate flexibility and choices. Encourage them to make their own decisions. Don't try to pre-empt every mistake. Allow them opportunities to learn natural consequences. It will help them develop a sense of competence and self-determination. 

7. Show respect: Have participatory family meetings periodically, ask your children's views and opinions. When you call them for chores, allow them a couple of minutes to finish their game or story. Say please, sorry and thank you. 

8. Respond to children's emotions: When you see them sad, angry or anxious, ask gentle questions, reflect their feelings and hug. Help them understand their own emotions. Teach them reframing and the basics of self-regulation. Don't dismiss, shame or ignore them with, ‘You are so sensitive’, ‘You are such a drama queen’ or ‘I don't have time for this nonsense’. Children's emotions are just as real as ours. 

9. Mind what you say: Children's sense of identity is shaped by our talk. Psychologists call it, The Reflected Sense of Identity. So don't say things like, ‘You are lazy’, ‘You are not good at maths’, ‘You are dumb’, ‘You are careless’. They believe you and your words will become self-fulfilling prophecies. 

10. Create a positive self-image: Your attitude, look, words, tone- everything matters. Look for a chance to say, ‘Well done’, ‘That's great’, ‘You are so kind’, ‘You make amazing pasta’, ‘That's creative’, ‘I am impressed by your honesty’, ‘You are so gritty’, ‘Great initiative’. Remember, these are self-fulfilling prophecies as well.

Swapna Antony is a public health consultant with a Masters in Social Work (Health) from Tata Institute of Social Sciences and a Certificate in Entrepreneurship from Stanford University Graduate School of Business. Her interdisciplinary background gives her unique insights into the interfaces of human and social development.