CATHOLICS AND DATING | KAIROS GLOBAL | JANUARY 2024

Author: Sheena Andrews

Intro: Mom of seven, Sheena Andrews writes about how dating should be considered in the Catholic context. 

Can Catholics date? How can Catholics date and be chaste at the same time? Should we encourage our youngsters to date before entering the sacrament of marriage? When should someone start dating? How do you discern your date is the right partner for you?

These are questions that are thrown around in Catholic circles but do not always have straightforward answers. Especially for an older generation that predominantly promoted arranged marriages and frowned at anything else, a younger generation that increasingly embraces dating, or forcefully resists arranged marriages – it's good to examine the Catholic view on dating. With the influence of social media and immigration to western countries, cultural differences are not holding strong anymore and youngsters from all cultures are willing to break with traditional ways of finding future spouses. The idea that getting to know the person ahead will increase chances of marital success, adds to the importance of dating against the backdrop of soaring divorce rates and failed marriages.  

Should Catholics date?

The concept of dating needs to be reclaimed in Catholic terms before venturing into it. Dating does not always swiftly culminate into a lustful relationship. It is initiating a relationship purposefully – to discern if the other person is ‘spouse material’. Since free consent from both parties is an indispensable element in Catholic marriage, all Catholic youth are to be encouraged to decide whom to marry after spending sufficient time getting to know the other person. Dating provides an appropriate opportunity if done in the right manner. 

Typically in arranged marriages, parents and elders try to match the age, education, financial and social status of both sides, make a decision and then run it by the man and woman to get married. Although opinions of the prospective bride and groom are taken into consideration, consent is based on externals with minimal interactions between them. There is no chance of getting to know well the personality of the other party, what their priorities in life are, how challenges in life are handled, how they treat their family members and friends, and so many other important matters that make a person who she or he is.  

Catholic dating is not about falling in love, not about committing to a person, not about having sex or being physically intimate, rather a courtship that allows both parties to discern their future spouse. 

The framework for Catholic dating

So the foremost rule for Catholic youngsters is: if you aren’t ready for marriage in the near future, do not attempt dating. If you fall into a bond with a person without the goal of marriage, you end up in sin emotionally, physically and spiritually. So the next question is: should high schoolers date? The answer for Catholic teens would be no, because it's going to be a waste of time and you risk falling into the sins you don't want to be committing. So what should high schoolers do if they feel attracted to someone? You can invest time establishing a good friendship with that person. If you can't sustain a friendship with the person you are attracted to, it's less likely that your relationship is going to develop into anything other than mere physical attraction which can lead you in the wrong direction. As a teenager in high school, dating someone would most likely not lead to marriage in the near future (at age 18 or 19) and you would find yourself stuck between desiring to move ahead in life with higher studies and wanting to be with the person you date. The practicality of maintaining a long distance dating relationship is harder than maintaining a long distance friendship. If the friendship lasts through college years you can always consider dating each other and discern marriage when you attain the appropriate age. 

Getting to specifics

What youngsters considering marriage should do is be unafraid of asking the person you are attracted to out for a date. An initial date shouldn't be any fancier or expensive than meeting for an hour over a cup of coffee. Going out on a date would be the ideal way to find out if you want to consider someone as your future spouse. 

Catholic youngsters should refrain from being vague and ambiguous and playing with other people's emotions when it comes to dating. As Matthew 5:37 says, let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ mean ‘No’. Anything more is from the evil one. After the first date if you do not want to continue, be honest and let the other person know. This way you are not wasting your time or the other person’s. After a few dates you will get a sense of who the other person is and if you want to continue a relationship. The discernment is easier if you are older because you know yourself and are better able to understand another person. 

Depending on your family dynamics and cultural background, introducing the person to your family can happen at various points. For some, parents can be helpful in discerning the relationship. A mentor or spiritual director can also help in the process. Catholic dating needs careful consideration and discernment where faith differences come into play as this can cause tensions in marriage especially in educating children, and oftentimes religious indifference can arise in those families. 

What does Catholic dating entail?

Now, if you are in a relationship that is possibly leading to marriage, as a Catholic, what are your responsibilities to each other? What is allowed and not allowed in Catholic dating?

The predominant matter until you enter the sacrament of marriage is that the other person is not your spouse; everything that belongs within the marital covenant should wait for after the wedding. In any relationship, a Christian is called to help the other person grow in holiness. As a rule of thumb, before marriage stay away from anything that can’t be done in broad daylight or in front of your loved ones. So anything you may later feel embarrassed about should be off limits. 

Another point to be mindful about is that men and women differ in their biological makeup. It is wise to stay away from any gesture or action or situation that can ‘arouse’ or ‘turn on’ your partner and which leads to sex, because according to Catholic teaching sexual relationship is only reserved for marriage. Being in a sexual relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend actually muddies the discernment process because now you are emotionally and physically bonded and are not capable of discerning the relationship properly, may end up in wrong relationships or end the relationship feeling used and heartbroken. As the Song of Songs 8:4 warns I adjure you, daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken or stir up love until it is ready! This applies for both sons and daughters of Jerusalem.

For parents and elders, as culture and society swiftly evolve, it is important to support and encourage our youngsters to enter into healthy relationships. It is important to have open conversations in families about discerning marriage and relationships. Parents can definitely provide valuable inputs given their life experiences, wisdom and parental authority to guide children, and they should not shy away from it. Children should be free to share with their parents about friendships and ask advice on finding a spouse. 

Discerning a vocation should happen as eagerly and in a timely manner as our children discern their career. Most often parents encourage kids to study hard and achieve the highest possible levels in their career but end up with professionally accomplished young adults, clueless about life. Parents should be open minded and encourage youngsters to discern their future spouse as they graduate college and find a job. All this should be done in tune with the will of God for as scripture says, For I know well the plans I have for you, plans for your welfare not for woe, so as to give you future of hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

Sheena Andrews is a neonatal practitioner working at Texas Children's Hospital, and mother of seven. She lives in Houston, Texas.