BY OUR LOVE | KAIROS GLOBAL | NOVEMBER 2023

Author: George Benny

Intro: Reflecting upon his family life, father of four, George Benny shares what it is to be a family open to life.

We love, because he first loved us (1 John 4:19).

Sheryl and I have been married for ten years and we are blessed with four children – Pio (12), Vincent (10), Claire (9) and Colette (6). Those who come home may find it to be messy, noisy and chaotic, but as with all large families, full of joy and abundant life. 

Openness to life

To be open to life is one of the fundamental teachings and purpose of the holy sacrament of matrimony. Pio was conceived in the second month of our marriage, which brought so much joy and togetherness between Sheryl and I. To understand that our first child was a symbolic representation of the spousal love between us was a profound discovery and when he was born, our lives were rearranged, yet in a beautiful way. True, it was not all perfect, as new parents, our lives were disrupted. Sleep cycles broken, daily schedules changed, and our lives turned upside down. But as a father, I realised that I was able to come a little closer in understanding the love of God for his children; as a mother, Sheryl’s maternal instincts were awakened, a little part of herself and me made into flesh and bone, yet a complete different being with its own mind, thoughts and imaginations. Many of our friends outside the renewal asked why we choose to have a baby too soon, since such are not the ways of the world, but we were convinced that by being open to life, we were fulfilling the purpose of marriage.

A home full of life

In the next six years that followed, out came Vincent, Claire and Colette. With a Jesus Youth family busy with work, ministry and household chores, one can imagine the impact of back-to-back babies. A home that was just Sheryl and myself became a little community of six people. Clean whitewashed walls became picture frames of scribbles and smiley faces, furniture became makeshift obstacle courses and anything breakable was already broken or on its way to being a million pieces. Yet, within all the craziness and mess, we were able to find and discover the majesty and splendour of God, slowly making word into flesh, a house into a home.

Uniqueness of each Child

We discovered that each child was different. While Pio was found to be an intense soul with heightened fascination for building blocks, books and stories, Vincent turned as socially skilled, conversational and jovial as could be. Claire’s gift, we found, was being the bond that brought the siblings together, with instinctive attitude of homemaking and service and Colette, our youngest (so far), her kindness and her fondness for togetherness. We found that there were no one-size-fits-all solutions for parenting. Even between each child, we discovered that our parenting styles needed to vary. What could work for Pio would not work for Claire or Vincent and vice versa. And so we failed, and continue to fail many times as parents, continually learning by experience. This aspect brought us to knees as we came to the quintessential understanding that at the end of the day, we were merely stewards; we needed Jesus more than ever to raise our children in the ways of God.

Economies of Scale

Being a large family may seem difficult and hard, but we are here to testify that the joy, fulfilment and the benefits that come with it far outweigh the costs. Clothes are handed down, toys and playthings are shared, and each sibling looks out for the other. Playtimes are just as fun, the children having their own made-up games and fun. The boys are forever sharing common interests of their favourite TV shows, books and music and the girls are either dressing each other up or having their own cookery or drama shows. During the pandemic lockdown, we witnessed how beautifully and effortlessly they self-sustained each other without the need to go out to play-areas or outdoors. While distance learning, we now marvel at the siblings looking out for each other, fixing computers or logging into learning platforms. While each child is special and with their own interests and feelings, we find their appreciation and fascination for their mutual interests and friends. They challenge each other in a way that brings the best out of each other in terms of learning prayers, Bible verses or even mundane things like tidying up or getting out of bed every morning. Fights between them are sorted by themselves, and bruises, scrapes and wounds are held by them in high regard as a prize that only a few beget!

Spousal Love

Through the shared chores of parenting and homemaking, Sheryl and I were brought together closer than ever, however we also realised that in some way our communication was in a way restricted to monosyllabic conversations with a lot of granted understanding of each other’s feelings. With children around, and with limited space, we also felt that we needed to, in some way, rekindle and rediscover each other continually. At times, it was not as lovey-dovey as it would have seemed. Our disagreements and misunderstandings needed to be spoken about and acknowledged so that we could allow God to work in them. About 5 years ago, we made a decision that Sheryl and I would go on date nights every week. This was a concept foreign to me as a Malayali man. It basically meant we would go out for a meal or a walk, without the children, every week. This did wonders between us. Even to this day, I look forward to the end of the week, when I can look into my bride’s eyes, the mother of my children, the flesh of my flesh and thereby discover that at the end, the children would fly away to their own lives and worlds, and we would remain, until death do us apart.

The Hand of God

God has been faithful. Sheryl and I will testify this to anyone. His mercies are new every morning and his love, enduring. I lost my job of thirteen years when we delivered Colette. The next one-and-a-half years I was without a permanent job. This time stood out for me as a father and a husband when I went through seriously doubting God. But looking back, we had a roof above our head, food to eat, and clothes to wear. God’s hand was upon each one of us and he held us close to his heart with an everlasting love. Romans 8:28 says And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.

With each child, we witnessed a multitude of blessings, tangible and intangible. God blessed us with a kind maid, Parbati, from Nepal when we had Claire – she is part of our family now. He blessed us with good jobs. Sheryl started working as a teacher when she had Colette. She completed her second masters and I am pursuing my certification in accounting today. We are blessed to be able to be part of the Family Ministry and the band MasterPlan so that we can serve the Church, and have fun doing it at the same time. None of these by our merit or because of anything that we did, but by his Grace and Grace alone.

Challenges

Our greatest challenges have nothing to do with money, time or energy. Our challenge is to witness a world that is set to destroy the basic foundation of the family. Having children is now seen as a burden and marriage is now optional in the world today. We have seen how the attack on the sanctity of the family has increased multifold in the past decade and we have seen the faithful change their stances on pro-life and marriage. Priorities of our leaders have become populist and there is a great stress on being politically right even when it is biblically wrong. We now face dilemmas as we face contradicting statements from our shepherds and this makes it difficult for us to explain why we are the way we are. While most Muslim brethren praise their god on the birth of a child, we find Catholics scorn large families. Abortions being legalised up until late term breaks our hearts and we helplessly wonder if the blood of the innocents will be on our hands too. We sometimes wonder where we are headed.

At this time, we remember the words of our Beloved St John Paul II in his encyclical ‘Familiaris Consortio’: At a moment of history in which the family is the object of numerous forces that seek to destroy it or in some way to deform it, and aware that the well-being of society and her own good are intimately tied to the good of the family, the Church perceives in a more urgent and compelling way her mission of proclaiming to all people the plan of God for marriage and the family, ensuring their full vitality and human and Christian development, and thus contributing to the renewal of society and of the People of God.

Conclusion

Having children is a gift, it is a blessing. And having a large family is not everyone’s calling. But for Sheryl and I, this is what God has called us to, by being caretakers and stewards of our children. The other day when we were all at the dining table together, Colette our youngest randomly said, ‘We are a family’. It brought a profound sense of belonging to us. This love that we have for each other cannot remain within these four walls. It needs to extend to our neighbours, our community and our society. We do not inherit the label ‘pro-life’ by just being a large family. Jesus says, love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind… and in the same breath, he says, love your neighbour as yourself.

We are all God’s children, and hence, we are all family. A huge large family. We live with our similarities, our differences, our disunity, prejudices and our predispositions. Yet God loves each one of us, without partiality, without conditions. We ought to do the same.

For then they we will know we are Christians, by our love.

George Benny is the songwriter and keyboard player of the Jesus Youth band MasterPlan, and is actively part of the Family Ministry and Formation Teams in Dubai, UAE. He is married to Sheryl and they have four children, Pio, Vincent, Claire, and Colette.