ASK FR BITAJU | KAIROS GLOBAL | JUNE 2021

Q39. 'Honour your Father and Mother' is a commandment we cannot compromise with. But what if a parent is malicious and cruel?

Today we live in a world that offers us several choices, right at our fingertips.  We can pick and choose what we want with ease and discard something when it is no longer pleasing to us and easily move on to something else.  More than whether it is good or bad, it is the current reality of the technological world.  Yet, unlike the apps on our smartphones, we can’t pick and choose our parents, even if our current relationship with them is not that well. It is true that we have not chosen our parents, yet God wants us to honour them. By being faithful to the fourth commandment, we not only honour our parents, but we also honour God our Heavenly Father (CCC 2214). 

True that it is hard to honour someone who hurts or treats you cruelly.  Repaying evil for evil is the natural human tendency. Yet the Word of God invites not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead … (I Peter 3:9).  Jesus asked, if you only love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the gentiles do the same? (Matthew 5:46-47).  Thus, as followers of Christ, he invites us to rise above our natural tendencies.  Truly, love and honour for a malicious or abusive parent can’t come from our own abilities, but from the supernatural love of Jesus who died for us even while we were sinners (Romans 5:8).  

It is important to keep in mind that ‘honouring’ and ‘obeying’ parents are not identical. To honour parents means to treat them with respect and dignity which is a lifelong responsibility. To obey parents means to follow their orders, which changes as one matures and becomes an adult (CCC 2217).  Honouring parents does not mean that you should follow them if their directions, rules or actions fail to love and bring you into a state of sin, cause you any kind of abuse, or anything else that takes you away from God. The story of most abusive parents shows that many of them were abused as children and they just continue the cycle of abuse. Perhaps, today, you as an adult is the one trying to stop the abusive cycle in your family. Remember that every person has the right to protect himself or herself from any form of physical, psychological and spiritual abuse. Often, healing from abusive childhood requires that an adult set firm boundary with one’s parents, which may even include a time of ‘no contact’ or separation with them.  It is not against honouring parents. Because, honouring means loving and desiring ‘the good’ of another. Sometimes love involves separation and other times love involves suffering and pain. Yet ultimately, love desires wholeness and healing. Once an adult is no longer in contact with abusive parents, he or she may begin to heal, which would gradually lead to the process of forgiveness. No doubt that it is through prayer and God’s grace that one can experience healing and forgiveness. 

Like any other commandment, honouring our father and mother is meant to be liberating. In your case, if you constantly feel guilty, resentful, abused or miserable, you need to sort it out with the help of a therapist and/or a spiritual mentor, who can assist you in restoring the peace and harmony. Thus, you will be gaining those blessings that God promises (Exodus 20:12).

YOUCAT 375 

How is authority exercised correctly? 

Authority is exercised properly when it is understood according to Jesus’ example as service. It must never be arbitrary. [2234-2237, 2254] 

Jesus showed us once and for all how authority should be exercised. He, the greatest authority, served others and took the last place. Jesus even washed the feet of his disciples (John 13:1-20). The authority of parents, teachers, educators, and superiors is given to them by God, not so that they can lord it over those who are entrusted to their care, but rather so that they might understand and exercise their duty of guiding and training as service.