ART OF BECOMING | KAIROS GLOBAL | MAY 2021

Author: Tomy Issac & Priya Allencherry

Intro: Married for twenty-five years, Tomy and Priya share valuable insights into the physical and mental aspects of preparing for Holy Matrimony.

The mind and body guide to harmonious togetherness

How many of us have walked down the aisle, starry eyed or with carefully disguised excitement, twinged with anxiety saying, ‘finally’…

Months later, how many of us have thought secretly: ‘Wish I had a user’s manual to help deal with some of the burning issues I never knew existed! We spend so much time and effort to research the very best for our studies and career, but strangely rely on random media snippets, gossip and others’ success-failure stories to form our thoughts and impressions on the most important relationship this side of eternity, for those who are called to the vocation of marriage.

Too often, the bride and groom reflected, belatedly, that almost all preparation had been on what to wear at the myriad events, décor and pomp, guest lists, entertainment and, of course, the honeymoon!

Were those externals, what the One who designed marriage, have in his divine design? The Genesis account shows us he created man and woman in perfection – uniquely different and complementary, physically and emotionally – clearly meant to share deep physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy, where his presence and grace would be the cementing factor for a lifelong partnership between each other and with himself.

So what can we take from our Creator’s ‘User Manual’ to prepare physically and mentally for this great gift and privilege to fulfil his purposes, if our calling is marriage?

Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. How does this translate physically in marriage preparation? Some simple aspects that gradually erode or destroy our physical and emotional energy in marriage include:

* The cumulative effect of junk food culture, unhealthy meals, lack of regular exercise, all take its toll on our body and brain over time which can lead to a sloppy lethargy, physically and emotionally. Cultivating healthy eating habits and learning to cook healthy simple meals before marriage won’t put us in the deep end when we have to work efficiently around two people’s busy schedules. The marriage can become strained with ill health and stretched finances from frequent takeaways and eating out because the kitchen fire is infrequently lit.

Learning to cook and developing discipline in keeping a clean environment if we have been habitually living in comfortable chaos is surprisingly more important for conjugal harmony than we imagine. Strangely, what attracts opposites often become the biggest causes for conflict, when living 24x7 in each other’s company. A messy home only adds stress to the cluttered mind. And once the babies arrive, the chaos that normally follows can become severely overwhelming if we have not intentionally cultivated some degree of order before marriage! 

Other crucial aspects:

* With all the advances in medicine, we know that smoking, alcohol abuse or any addiction, including to the media/phone can harm not just us but also those we live with. Statistics indicate the potential for domestic violence, traumatic experiences and marriage break-ups is directly proportional to the level of consumption of alcohol in families. If we have a weakness in any of these areas, it is important to seek the Lord and get professional help before marriage.

* Excessive phone/tech use pushing out quality time together has become a major cause of couples drifting apart, where the phone subtly replaces the wife/husband.

There is a default tendency to reach for the phone on waking up; we make eye contact with it frequently, and spend the maximum time actively engaged with it as it hooks our attention, while neglecting the most important persons the Lord has placed in our lives. Becoming aware of this tendency and having specific time away from the phone or social media to build protected time to nurture relationships is a big part of pre-marriage discipline.

* Our sexual urge is hardwired by God to be fulfilled in all its beauty only within marriage. Hence as part of the physical preparation, we can treasure and protect our virginity for the spouse God has kept for us-- who is already alive somewhere, even before God brings the person into our life. 

As we come to love a person and the chemistry buzzes, it is easy to fall prey to a sense of entitlement to get more physical and sexual before marriage, especially when the culture around us screams to say ‘that’s normal and fine… everyone’s doing it.’

Yet when indulged outside of marriage, even after a formal engagement, the sexual encounter leads to deep emptiness for both men and women that leaves them feeling used, cheated and disillusioned. This becomes a mental and spiritual bondage unless it is brought before our Lord’s merciful love in genuine repentance and heartfelt confession. Often, our misinformation about sexuality and understanding the opposite sex are from unreliable sources that leave us with a much distorted idea of marriage and sexuality and can deeply mar our relationship with our life partner. 

Many couples have been scarred for life by the use of pornography by a spouse who can then no longer see their beloved entrusted by Christ as anything other than a sex object and expect to act this out in their relationship. On the contrary, the beauty of sexual union in marriage is that it is fashioned by our Creator himself and is for the husband and wife to uniquely explore, share and find fulfillment in each other. In short, we as a couple have realised that the more we give of oneself rather than get, the more beautiful the sexual union grows and can be experienced as a deep font of grace of the Holy Spirit, as the years go by - not just physically, but for emotional communication and spiritual healing, even during conflict.

When the couple treasure their virginity before marriage, and sacrifice to keep themselves pure for their beloved, the Christ ordained sacrament of marriage is consumed in the sexual union as a selfless act of giving that releases a seal of anointing from our Lord. However, if we have not been able to safeguard this, we will need to seek pardon from our Lord through the sacrament of confession and be washed clean. If we have suffered trauma as victims of abuse, it is of utmost importance to seek our Lord’s healing and receive therapeutic counselling.

The Chastity Project website by Jason Evert is a great place if you are looking for a Catholic practical resource.

Preparing Mentally

* For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31). How often we forget the prioritising of our spouse and instead get torn by negative interference and opinions of our family of origin or friend-circle. It is important to prepare mentally for wisdom from the Holy Spirit to be able to cut the umbilical cord in a loving way, so we can love and honour our parents and their roles without dismissing the role and voice of our spouse. It is no longer my likes, comforts, desires and plans but rather our likes, comforts, desires and plans for our life together.

We must also pray and prepare even before marriage to be able to honour and love our spouse’s parents and family. In our own life, we are seeing the fruit of prayer before marriage in this area flow beautifully to this day after 25 years.

* Many of us struggle as we want to cling to our individual ways of how we did things before marriage, without realising that we are two unique people from very different backgrounds now playing on the same team. Collaborative teamwork is paramount to win instead of wasting energy to prove that ‘I am right’ and ‘my’ way, ‘my’ family’s way is the right way.

Grafting two different personalities needs a lot of mental preparation. Hence, even before marriage, it is important to intentionally be open to understand the unique differences in the psychology between men and women, to embrace and accept these differences instead of being dismissive or ridicule them; and to acknowledge that there are myriad ways of problem solving instead of enforcing my ways of doing things. It is equally important to not catastrophise that all is lost because differences are many. In our marriage, we have seen God use our diametrically opposite differences to gradually add new flavours to our lives, when we started learning to accept the differences instead of criticising them and trying to change the other to our way.

* A major aspect of mental preparation involves communication – of which learning the skill of active empathetic listening can never be underestimated and will stand you in great stead to build an enriching intimate marriage. Also important is learning to share about yourself as a person genuinely, and beyond the superficialities. 

May the time, effort and prayer you invest to prepare for this amazing journey called marriage - as our Lord defined it to be, give you a lifetime of true intimacy and meaning!

Tomy and Priya have been part of the movement since the 80s. Priya is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Tomy is a Community and Human Services Practitioner as well as the JY Australia Animator.