A COMMUNITY FOR CATHOLIC DATING | KAIROS GLOBAL | JANUARY 2024

Author: Florance Thomas

Intro: Florance Thomas shares her experience of discernment and dating her now-husband, Joseph.

A teenage girl recently asked my opinion on dating while still in high school. I found myself surprised by my reaction to her! My conservative views on dating have remained the same from my teenage years despite having dated before marriage. When I was young I used to think dating while still young brought unnecessary heartaches. This perspective was shaped by observing friends who invested significant time in relationships only to later experience painful outcomes, severing ties with individuals they had spent countless hours with. Quite early on, I recognised that I didn't want to date at an early age. Eventually, I ventured into the realm of dating later in life, post-university, feeling prepared to search for a life partner. That conversation with the teenage girl got me thinking of the purpose of dating and the notable distinctions I encountered in my dating experiences both before and after embracing a relationship with Christ.

From a secular perspective, dating is an opportunity to get to know another person, determine compatibility, and also understand your own personal preferences when it comes to a partner. While ‘dating’ is not defined by the Catholic Church in its teachings, there is an emphasis on integrating faith and values into the relationship journey. A Catholic view of dating emphasises the importance of chastity, mutual respect, and discernment of marriage as the ultimate goal. It encourages couples to prioritise spiritual compatibility, share common values, and turn to God to seek whether they are called to the vocation of marriage together.

In my adult journey of discovering the Catholic faith, insights from two influential Catholic speakers significantly shaped my understanding of dating within the framework of Catholic values. In one of her talks on dating, Jackie Francois-Angel says, ‘You are not each other's until the day you get married.’ God can still change your vocation after you are engaged. So be respectful of each other and see each other through Christ’s eyes. This view was eye-opening for me in terms of the need to treat each other with dignity and respect as a beloved child of God. Another famous Catholic speaker, Sara Swafford, introduced me to the idea of emotional chastity. It refers to purity in thought and involves being mindful of one's emotions, avoiding inappropriate or excessive emotional attachments, and preserving a sense of emotional intimacy for the sacrament of marriage. This was a novel concept for me and it challenged me to higher standards when it came to respecting another person. The lessons learned from both Jackie and Sara’s talks would be fundamental to my courtship with my now-husband, Joseph (Joe).

When I started dating Joe, I thought the virtues mentioned above would come easy to us because of shared values as practising Catholics striving for holiness. However, reality turned out to be more challenging than my optimistic expectations. A little glimpse into my courtship with Joe: A lot of discernment went into considering to date Joe. I was in a phase of life where I was discerning religious life and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to get married. When Joe asked me if he could take me out on a date my response, fuelled partly by the uncertainty of my vocation and partly by having been just acquaintances with Joe for many years, was that I needed two months to pray over it. I wanted to do a Rosary novena and ask Mother Mary for clarity on whether or not I should say yes to date Joe. After having known Christ and learning of the virtuous ways of dating, I knew that saying yes to dating would mean more than simply getting to know Joe; it would mean saying yes to discerning marriage with him. Over the two months of doing the Rosary novena, I also prayed with spiritual elders who knew both Joe and myself well and were able to shed light on areas I could not. 

I received the clarity I prayed for in the form of peace that surpasses all understanding as mentioned in Philippians 4:7. Before the two months were up, I messaged Joe and told him I would like to discern marriage with him. We started talking on the phone the very next day and it felt so right that I could not believe we did not think of discerning marriage with each other sooner. Truly, the peace of God was all over every conversation and interaction we initially had. 

During our courtship, Joe was living in Texas and I in New York so we did not see each other often. We did however talk on the phone daily, starting our day with prayer together. As we spent more time talking to each other we had more opportunities to connect on a more profound and more spiritual level than I had experienced previously. Deeper conversations also meant delving into wounds and areas of our hearts we did not know how to navigate. This is where we were blessed to be able to seek the guidance of elders again. Joe and I were blessed to have a spiritual elder couple, who knew and loved us both equally. They helped us navigate challenges we faced along our journey, providing us with faith based advice and supporting us with prayers. As silly as it may sound, even in dating we needed community. Joe and I each had spiritual directors who were priests with whom we were vulnerable about our relationship and open to receiving guidance. When tough conversations regarding family, finances, intimacy, etc. arose, it was our spiritual elder couple and our individual spiritual directors that helped us navigate them. In hindsight, we were fortunate enough to have many pillars of support throughout our discernment period.

To those discerning marriage, I would highly encourage, if possible, to seek the guidance and support of priests and/or spiritual elders you may know because shared Catholic values alone don't shield us from human weaknesses that may arise between two people in love. Based on personal experience in trying to find the ‘perfect man’ and insight from elders, I would also recommend establishing 2 or 3 non-negotiables— things that are extremely important to you. As for the multitude of preferences on your checklist, surrender them to God, trusting in his wisdom to provide what's truly best for you. Remarkably, you might discover that not only does God fulfil the desires you consciously hold but also reveals those latent aspirations you never knew your heart craved. Embrace the beautiful surprises of his divine orchestration.

An occupational therapist by profession, Florance Thomas grew up in New Delhi and New York. She is now a full-time mom, living in Dallas, Texas with her husband Joseph and their two babies. 

Florance Thomas

florancethomas@gmail.com