WISE IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS | KAIROS GLOBAL | JANUARY 2020

Author: Dr.Mammen P Cherian

Intro: Dr Mammen P Cherian tackles the contentious issue of sex before marriage from his vast experience as a marriage counsellor as well as a medical professional.

“If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honourable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work. Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace” (2 Tim 2:21-22)

I was attending a medical screening camp for migrant workers at a construction site with my medical team. In between, a gentleman came to me and introduced himself as an engineer and supervisor at that site. He requested for some time to talk in private when the camp got over. As the day wound down, he rushed to me and took me to his private cabin. I waited for him to break his silence, which was a good few minutes in coming. He started, “Sir, I think I am HIV infected”. “What makes you think like that”, I asked. “A year back, we friends went on a Bangkok trip and there we tried out sex with some girls”. “Oh, so that’s what is troubling you?” I retorted. “Sir, they were certified – but I am anxious” he continued. “Certified? What is that?”, I was now perplexed. “Sir, the sex workers gave us a recent report of their HIV blood test when we approached them”. “So, if that is the case, why do you worry now?”, I asked in puzzlement. “But sir someone told me that these reports can be forged, and that HIV can spread in spite of taking preventive measures during intercourse! Now I am doing tests every month, and since my marriage has been fixed, I am not able to sleep properly”! Since I was pressed for time and our consultation was so short to arrive at any meaningful conclusion, I referred him to a Psychiatrist. 

This situation is not so uncommon. Now-a-days, the number of premarital and extramarital affairs are increasing, leaving many of us in a confused state of mind. It is even more confusing especially when it is about having sex with the person to whom one is going to get married. 

As per Catholic moral teaching, sexual act is restricted to the sacrament of marriage. According to Bishop Fulton J Sheen, it takes not two, but three to get married – the groom, bride and the Trinity. All sacraments, as we know, are visible signs of invisible grace. So logically, since the sacrament is not received, sex before marriage is without God and the promised divine grace. So, sex with anyone who is not your husband or wife is fornication (1 Thes 4:3). 

Firstly, sexual experience for women and men are different. It creates different types of imprints about the sexual act in their hearts. While sexual experience inside marriage creates an imprint that helps the couple to grow stronger in their relationship together, the imprints left by sexual relations outside of marriage doesn’t do so. The man gets connected to the pleasure of the act than to the other person, which makes him seek the pleasure than the wellbeing of the partner. This destroys the beauty of relationship and she becomes an object of pleasure for him. 

A month back I was called to the Diocesan Family Apostolate to talk with a couple. They had only been married for 3 days, but were not able to get along with each other. After a session of counseling, I could understand that they were facing the consequences of compromising their sexual purity before marriage – including pornography, masturbation and premarital sex. The husband was struggling to make love with his wife. Whenever he wanted to express his love to her, he failed miserably. Then he started to seek his pleasure only, which hurt her. Every sin has its consequences unless we reconcile with God. So, keeping our chastity sane is of great value that makes one’s marriage life more meaningful.

When we are in a relationship, if it is out of real love it should persuade us to seek the goodness of the other. Consequently anything that damages his/her soul will not be our intention rather; we will do everything to keep our souls holy and sound. If we are approached or tempted by the other for a sinful act of any kind, it is prudence to say a big NO to that person out of love for them, rather than compromising our sanctity in fear of losing the relationship. Otherwise it can tamper the holiness of the relationship, as well as that of the persons involved. Even when we compromise our chastity in fear of losing the relationship, the fact is that we have already lost it – not only we lose this relationship, but also the one with Lord.

Dr.Mammen P Cherian is a practicing pain and palliative care doctor from Thiruvalla, India and is a resource for the Prolife Ministry and family apostolate. He is the coordinator of Kerala Jesus Youth prolife Ministry.