SUFFERING THEORY AND PRACTICAL | KAIROS GLOBAL | MARCH 2021

Author: Sr. Gigi Pullathil

Intro: Through her personal experience of drinking of the cup of suffering, Sr. Gigi Pullathil shares that suffering is inevitable. But the lady at the foot of the cross will always help us carry our own.

We know that all things work for good for those whose love God, who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Suffering! How many times have I reflected on it! Suffering: How many times have I spoken about it as a retreat director? Even in the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic, I got ample opportunities to witness suffering, online and offline as well. ‘The whole spiritual tradition of our faith reveals much about this profound mystery of faith. From a Catholic perspective, suffering itself has been transformed by Christ and made the greatest tool of grace ever known. It was through Christ’s intense suffering on the cross that the salvation of the world came about.’ My teaching goes like this. I convinced myself that suffering is the experimental laboratory for faith. Using Scriptural reference, I have studied thoroughly that suffering is redemptive. Then, how come I flunked in the practical exam, although I scored hundred per cent in the theory exam?

My ‘practical test’ took place on August 24, 2018. The laboratory setting was my parents’ home. I had cancelled all the youth retreat programmes during that semester break due to the floods. My dad, who was very sick, wanted to meet me urgently. I had taken permission from my superiors and reached home. My parents, although they looked sick, were very happy to see me. I had a good time with them,  my brother, sister-in-law and their children, Jeevan and Kripa. My nephew, Jeevan – whose name means life – who had gone to his mother’s native place, returned joyous and full of life. I could see the excitement on his face as he narrated the events of the weekend – enjoying with friends, swimming in the nearby river, catching fishes, and then frying the fishes he had caught. He was super thrilled by his adventures. After the family banter and exchange of good news about every one, we gathered for the evening family Rosary. As always, the kids gave me greetings of praise, and kissed me on both the cheeks. After the family prayer, I told Jeevan, who was a 10th grader that I would help him with his Biology lessons the next day. He agreed and went upstairs to sleep. 

The next day was a Friday. We usually spent the day at the Parithrana Retreat Center that is close to our home. They have regular one-day fasting prayer sessions on Fridays. We participated in the prayer sessions whole-heartedly, and for some inexplicable reason, I prayed intensely during the Holy Mass and Eucharistic Adoration for one single intention, Jeevan. I met my religious sister friend at the retreat center, and I also asked her to pray for Jeevan. 

After the service I reached home to devastating news. Jeevan had met with a sudden accident. My lap gave way for his deathbed. Due to the extreme emergency of his condition, Jeevan was shifted to the Medical College, Kottayam¹, from Caritas Hospital. I pleaded for mercy together with his mom: ‘Lord, please do not take my child, please do not abandon us.’ When Jeevan was taken to the ICU, my wailing was at its loudest. I grasped my Rosary so tight and begged the Blessed Mother not to leave me alone, to act immediately asking her son, Jesus to perform a miracle. When the Anointing of the Sick was administered, I trusted and believed that through the power of the Sacrament, Jeevan would return to life! But God’s Will was different. Later the news came, the Lord of life and death had plucked the beautiful and little flower from his garden, ‘Jeevan is no more.’

I found myself weary in this trial. My faith life was questioned. The sudden demise of the fifteen-year-old Jeevan was beyond what I could bear. Just the previous day we had talked, laughed, prayed together, exchanged hugs and kisses – and the next day I had to prepare myself for the final embrace. This was a terrible laboratory of suffering for a consecrated. I was put to the test. His grandparents were alive and had to prepare their grandson for his last journey. The family members were all grieving, suffering intensely and asking God, ‘my God, my God, why have you forsaken us?’ The pain and agony of his parents were so extreme and no one could console them. It was more than twenty-five years that I had been serving in the youth ministry, conducting retreats, offering motivation and inspiration sessions for teens, youth and older people. My God, why did you allow my Jeevan to lie in my lap and silently bid me goodbye? What did I do wrong during these years of my consecrated life? 

Suddenly the Word of God came to mind, We know that all things work for good for those whose love God, who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28), as a token of memory of my first religious profession. What good have you given to me by taking the life of a beautiful flower that was yet to bloom? Did you bring me home to present me this cup of suffering? Did you forget the hundreds of sessions I had conducted on various aspects of faith, sanctified life, life of suffering, etc.? You shouldn’t have done this to me. 

The parents of Jeevan had great plans and dreams for him. They were shattered and it was impossible to console them. After the funeral service, I returned to my convent. I found it difficult to cope with reality, and many questions popped up. People tried to console, but all in vain. This was my experience of the dark night of the soul. I tried my best to get back to the normal life of a consecrated. I practiced silence. Slowly I resumed my teaching assignments for the tenth graders. One of the chapters I had to teach them was titled, Jeevan pinnitta paathakal (paths left behind by life). In each of those letters, I saw the fifteen years of life that our Jeevan had lived! 

Jeevan was no more to appear for the 10th grade final exams in the year 2019. I paid my tribute by visiting his tomb on the very day of the Biology exam. I couldn’t control my tears and the extreme pain. Something prompted me to look up, I saw the Pieta. ‘Dear Blessed Mother, I do not understand… Is the laboratory of faith this intense and excruciating? Why did you give this great a suffering to me, a poor soul who is so fragile to even bear the cry of a small child? What wrong have I done? 

Blessed Mother so lovingly kept me close to her and showed me her laboratory of faith, Calvary and said, ‘My little one, what wrong did my dearly beloved son do? Did I do anything wrong? Do you understand the extreme pain I had to suffer when my son went through Calvary? The brutal scourging the soldiers inflicted on my son and the crown of thorns they fastened on my son’s head? They struck the crown of thorns with long sticks, thereby forcing these instruments of torture to pierce into his Sacred Head. This caused the Precious Blood to flow down his face into his eyes and in so doing blocked his vision. But he loved them so. Yes, he loved deeply even these who tormented him. With great humility he bore all. He could have, with one sigh, beckoned all the legions of angels to his aid, but he chose to suffer in humility for all mankind. Do you know, my child, towards the last hour of his life, he was hardly able to move, to breathe, and his speech was quite hoarse, though still clear enough to understand. As he took upon himself the sins of all mankind, he felt abandoned, far away from the presence of the Father, who could tolerate no sin. Finally, he gave up his spirit.

‘Dear child, wherever there is love, there is suffering. Suffering is inevitable if you want sanctity and perfection in virtues. There is nothing that happens in your life without the knowledge of God.’

 As I rested in the sacred lap of the Blessed Mother, I regained strength and experienced a powerful anointing of the Holy Spirit, which cannot be expressed in words. I have taken a new resolution in life, to be always in the service of Jesus and the Blessed Mother. The one who said ‘fiat’ became ‘Pieta’ always stood at the foot of the cross. Her presence at the foot of the cross gave strength to her dearly beloved son to embrace the cross. I was convinced that only the lady at the foot of the cross could strengthen me to carry my daily crosses and drink of the cup of bitter suffering. My only prayer is to receive the grace to say often, ‘We know that all things work for good for those whose love God, who are called according to his purpose’.

Sr. Gigi Pullathil is a teacher, author, motivational speaker and member of the Apostolic Oblates congregation from Kanjirapally, India. The numerous awards she has received as a teacher and environmentalist are testament to her indomitable spirit in spite of her 10% vision as a result of an eye disease.