STRONGER & CLOSER DESPITE DISTANCE | KAIROS GLOBAL | MARCH 2018

Author: Hazel Matthias

Intro: Hazel Matthias shares about her experience of being apart from her husband and offers practical tips on how to maintain a healthy relationship during times of unavoidable separation.

Not all couples are blessed with the gift of staying under the same roof at all times. In today's life involving work, sickness and in our case, staying at my parents' home (which is in a different city from where my husband was working) for the deliveries of our two children; are some reasons that could keep spouses physically apart for a length of time. In addition, different time zones, clashing schedules and inquisitive children (yelling in the background and begging for the phone while you talk!) are all real challenges to staying in touch. Here are a few pointers that can help us spouses go through such a time and, God willing, emerge stronger and closer to each other.

Personal prayer: 

Our daily walk with God affects everything, and is particularly important when spouses are apart. In prayer, the Lord empowers me to be patient and understanding in communication with my spouse. Here, I am consoled when I miss him. From here I also gain strength to forgive when misunderstandings arise. All this helps me to be the best I can and maintain a healthy relationship with my spouse.

Communicate:

We are blessed to be living in a time when technology provides us with many modes with which to communicate. When a spouse may be at work, or when you need to be quiet because your toddler is sleeping next to you, texting is a great means to stay in touch. Video calls are of much help too, especially for the little ones who miss seeing the parent that is away. Actively utilizing these tools works to the benefit of your spousal relationship.

Pray together:

There were a few instances when, for a couple of days in a row, my husband and I were unable to pray on the phone together. Almost always we would notice friction developing in our conversations. "When two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them" (Mt 18:20). Praying together brings in God's peace, grace and protection from evil over a couple's rapport. It is very much like cement, which holds their hearts together, helping each other love unconditionally. So, try your best to pray together, even if it be a short prayer like an Our Father and a Hail Mary.

Understanding him:

Most husbands respond differently to living alone when compared to wives. Work, stress and exhaustion might sometimes leave them wanting to retreat into a 'shell', and not wanting to talk much or display emotions. Some might handle loneliness by not having detailed conversations or talking about feelings much, lest they miss their dear wife even more! As women, in such situations it is possible to feel abandoned or not as loved as before. All we want to do is question our husband even more about what's going on, why are they not talking etc. With God's strength though, if one could give their husband the space they needed for a day or two, it helps them come out of their ' 'shell' sooner and on a positive note, rather than feeling guilty or accused by their wives. Sending a message to one's husband saying something similar to "I missed talking to you yesterday but I can understand you must be tired/busy... let's catch up when you are feeling better/free" makes him feel understood and loved, and yet allows us to be vocal about our feelings.

Understanding her:

Most wives, when separated, may have different needs when compared to husbands. We may seek support and understanding by talking about all our daily joys and struggles. Having a husband who can be patient and listen, and offer reassurance and understanding words, can help a wife feel rejuvenated and cared for. A short, loving conversation, on a regular basis, can make all the difference for a wife. Opened ended questions, such as "How was your day?" followed by a listening ear, can help one feel important and loved.

Share wisely:

Being physically apart prevents us from seeing our spouse's facial expressions. Hence its best to bear in mind that I could always misunderstand my spouse, or be misunderstood.  Don’t take it personally and blame it on the distance! For this reason, it's helpful to discuss important or touchy issues, face to face as much as possible, rather than on a call or by texting, to avoid any clashes.

Celebrate reunions:

Celebrating times when one meets their spouse after a gap is a wonderful way to express to your love for them and demonstrate that you don't take them for granted. Just the two having a good home-cooked meal, a quick dinner out or even a quiet long walk, helps maintain the 'spark' in the spousal relationship, and shows your spouse that you are putting effort into helping your marriage thrive.

Suggestions such as these can go a long way in maintaining a happy marriage, even when spouses are apart. With God's help, may the lessons learnt therein help husbands and wives to cherish and love each other even more, when they finally come together again

Hazel Matthias lives in Hyderabad, India with her two little boys & husband Nishan. A passionate Catholic & Jesus Youth since college, she has been actively serving the Lord for many years, especially through music ministry in India and the UK.