SAFEGUARDING PRECIOUS | KAIROS GLOBAL | AUGUST 2022

Author: Prof George VM

Intro: Young Catholic families from around the world have a heart-to-heart talk with Jesus Youth elder, Prof George VM on the various challenges young families face today. 

The 2018 Disney movie, Incredibles 2 opens with the Incredibles working together to defeat the Underminer. While the villain did cause a great deal of havoc in the city, he wasn’t able to undermine the strength of the family’s teamwork. They drew together and fought as a team, putting each other’s strengths to good use. 

Beyond the superhero punches, Incredibles was truly incredible in how it portrayed the beauty of the family’s oneness. 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labour:If either of them falls down, one can help the other up (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). 

‘Sacred Scripture begins with the creation of man and woman in the image and likeness of God and concludes with a vision of “the wedding-feast of the Lamb”’ (CCC 1602).

Adam calls the woman Eve – mother of life, thoughtfully covering up her agony of losing Eden and upholding her dignity in the midst of all her follies.

Sarah was more careful by calling her husband, Lord, thereby changing his status before generations.

Moving ahead, we see profound versions of love when it comes to Joseph, where he covered Mary in ways beyond explanation and hence, we have Christmas.

The sacrament of marriage is supposed to be the most beautiful institution that helps a couple become their best selves – people God created them to be – and help each other get to heaven.

As Catholics, we place a high priority on staying together in love. But what happens when things take a turn for the worse? What happens when, instead of being a source of blessing, the marriage becomes miserable where two people can’t be in the same room without things turning ugly?

Every marriage hits its rough spots. Pope Francis noted in his apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia that ‘the life of every family is marked by all kinds of crises.’ He goes on to say, ‘Couples should be helped to realise that surmounting a crisis need not weaken their relationship… Each crisis becomes an apprenticeship in growing closer together or learning a little more about what it means to be married. There is no need for couples to resign themselves to an inevitable downward spiral or a tolerable mediocrity’ (232).

Uncertainties

Anoop Simon: I got married to Shilpa a year ago and we moved to Abu Dhabi. We wished to establish a Catholic family and enthusiastically stepped into the initial days of marriage. But we immediately had to deal with quite a lot of uncertainties in career, place of stay, migration plans, etc. And when our first child was conceived within two months, our uncertainties seemed intense. Though both of us were convinced about our decisions, criticism from family and friends made it tough for us; often our decisions and blind faith left us confused. It disturbed our relationship too and I wished those days were more peaceful and stress-free.

Aasha Mathew: I too had a very similar situation. When I got pregnant two months into our marriage, I came to realise that people, including my family in Mumbai and friends, weren’t pleased. They had expected me to find a job as soon as possible, to be proficient in the native language and culture, to get to know my spouse well, and take at least a year for ourselves before we thought of starting a family. This pulled me down. 

George VM: A child is God's plan while career, yours. I admit that a career and higher prospects are essential for a sound family but nothing can be more precious than receiving a child into the family. A child indeed is heaven’s affirmation of the sacrament you received and they bring sufficient grace to the family. 

In John 21:6, Jesus called out, 'Haven't you caught anything, friends?' And when they answered, 'No,' he said, 'Throw the net out to starboard and you'll find something.' So they threw the net out and could not haul it in because of the quantity of fish.

How can anyone with logic think that there would be more fish to the right side of an approx.15 ft. wide boat, than left? But they believed in his word and witnessed miracles. It's just a matter of believing in his word and peace will follow. 

Ann: The idea is convincing and makes sense. But answering the concerns of our loved ones while fighting the emotional and physical struggles of pregnancy was tougher than expected for me. I too entered family life in a similar situation and had to face severe criticisms from around for being foolish. The culture and customs demand too much of a newlywed daughter-in-law, and meeting all those expectations while enduring pregnancy’s symptoms was really tough.

George VM: One of my close friends who is also a Catholic preacher and counsellor received their first child without any hands or legs. In spite of their strong religious convictions and beliefs, they were still baffled initially but gradually accepted it as part of God’s plan. But when I look at them now, I see proud parents of a miracle child who, with prosthetic hands, is a prodigy with western musical instruments and aces studies too.

When God decides to give us a child, we have no other option but to receive with gratitude, unless we are too stubborn with selfishness. And the relationship between the partners deepens more beautifully in the presence of a child.

Here we should remember what Pope Francis reminds us through his exhortation Amoris Laetitia:  ‘Each crisis becomes an apprenticeship in growing closer together or learning a little more about what it means to be married.’ (232)

Dominic: I actually have a flip side to what both of you are talking about. We are in our third year of marriage and expecting our first child now. Remaining childless for two-and-half years, amidst the societal ‘concerns’ seems like a nightmare to us now. I still am clueless about why we should be answerable to ‘society’? These are private matters and the nagging we faced was a challenge. When we are practising Catholics sticking to NFP, living a righteous life, these prejudiced concerns from around are more than disturbing. I can’t imagine the pain my sister would have gone through – she received her first child after five years of marriage.

George VM: We can't avoid this as long as we are social beings. Answering gracefully rather than getting disturbed is an art to be practised and a gift of the Holy Spirit. I agree that these questions will disturb our calm. The bonding between partners is also very relevant here. Defending becomes easier, when you are a team. 

Disagreements

Noel: Bonding sounds beautiful but not as easy as it sounds. I am in my first year of marriage and it's not easy to be in the same box with two strong personalities. Disagreements arise on anything and everything on a daily basis. Living biblically seems almost impossible in such situations. I have my ‘right’ which stands perpendicular to my partner’s ‘right’. The question of which right is RIGHT is confusing.

George VM: Marriage is a 1+1=1 theory. Scripture says, So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate (Mathew 19:6). 

This lifelong union has now been given an additional dignity by being elevated by Christ to the status of sacrament, which is symbolic of the union between Christ and his Church, which is why St Ambrose declared that marriage was ‘sanctified by Christ’. 

It takes time to balance this understanding without compromising on our personality and individuality. When both partners try to enter through a door, the two of them cannot pass through together, either of them will have to step back to make the entry easy and possible. Understanding is about knowing the strengths of each other and it works when we start appreciating the goodness inside the partner. Time will give you more important things to focus on in life.

Fulten J Sheen has explained this beautifully in his book Three to get Married:

As life goes on, they become not two compatible beings who have learned to live together through self-suppression and patience, but one new and richer being, fused in the fires of God’s love and tempered of the best of both. One by one, the veils of life’s mysteries have been lifted. The flesh, they found, was too precocious to reveal its own mystery; then came the mystery of the other’s inner life, disclosed in the raising of young minds and hearts in the ways of God.

Ann: I am in my fifth year of marriage and I can relate to this. I too had this confusion of clash of personalities initially and had ample fights over it. But gradually as years passed, I see and admire many of the things I disagreed with my partner initially and have even started practising things, learning from him. I observe the same in the case of my husband too. He admires many traits of mine now and has even absorbed some of them organically which he initially disagreed with. 

George VM: I completed 38 years of marriage this year, and all these years we disagreed on our personalities and it's still the same. But the intensity with which we disagreed has come down and it no longer affects us. But there is another side to it. We have to understand and identify our partner as an individual, and beyond criticism we have to accept their personalities as unique.

Anoop: There is another beautiful way of doing it. We can sometimes change our styles a bit to please our partner too. It’s harmless and will boost our bonding. These could be read simply as gestures of love rather than giving up. It's not a formal alliance, rather a gift and intimate relationship based on love.

George VM: Marriage is about knowing each other and growing in love day by day. It definitely takes time to understand the inner dimensions of your partner. The husband and wife come from two entirely different families, based on two different cultures under the special care of two sets of entirely different parents. When they join to make a family, it's totally impractical to expect them to fit in a frame. But as days go by, they interact, they understand, they love and they come to a oneness polished through experience. 

Do not confuse this with the age-old concept of wives being completely obedient to husbands. No sound comes out of such homes nor any conflicts, but this came from the unethical surrendering of wives to their husbands beyond question. This is not fair. 

We read in the book of Tobit, how Tobias began his married life. We see how beautifully they give space to each other. Tobias and Sarah’s whirlwind romance came at a time unbeknownst to both of them. When they were dealing with their own burdens, oblivious to the truth that their identities intertwined one another. A divine orchestration, mystical in proportion.

It could happen to us, too! If we are ready to open our hearts and offer ourselves in love.

Theresa: I entered marriage with so many questions in my mind. I had no idea about how to identify my real partner from the proposals that came. Finally, I placed a condition before God that if I liked the proposal, I would take as a sign if the prospective groom came to see me wearing the same colour as I did. It sounded ridiculous to my parents and siblings but it gave me some sort of relief. I liked Naveen when he came to my house to see me and surprisingly, he was wearing exactly the same colour as I. We are now in the fifth year of our marriage living happily with our two kids. I can relate to almost all the issues discussed so far during the initial years of my marriage. There were personality clashes, misunderstandings and conflicts. But when I look back, one thing that helped us most was that I did not let any of these go out of my family. We discussed everything together and sorted it out and gradually understanding took place.

Forgiveness

Anoop: Though we say understanding comes gradually, many times we fail to forgive and forget. It keeps recurring during every conflict. I often pray inside and surrender such situations along with my partner into God’s hand.

Ann: To be frank, neither do I get the composure to pray nor forgive in such situations.

Noel: Also we read in Matthew 18:21, 22: Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’ This biblical style of forgiving seems totally impossible.

George VM: To forgive instantly and forget soon may not be always possible, but one thing we can do – confess at the earliest. No conflict should go beyond a confession. Disagreements and quarrels are an inevitable part of my life too. But both my wife Lucy and I make sure that none of our conflicts go beyond a confession.

Often, we can’t naturally forgive our partners and in-laws as we consider it our ‘rights’ and are in a mood to fight for it. I don’t think family life is possible without any of these problems.

When Joseph heard of Mary’s pregnancy, he responded like any other man. But apart from that, he left a space for God to intervene and sort things out. Often this is what we forget. We rely on our merits and fail. But when we let God, there is a big difference.

Once while sharing with my pastor, he told me that inability to forgive is unwillingness to love as love is unconditional. You can't go ahead in love an inch unless you forgive.

Theresa: Love helps the best in forgiving. I have noticed that we need not worry much about forgiving as it naturally happens over time, when we grow day by day in love. Definitely I take time to heal myself and wounds healed by time with love often never recurs.

George VM: Though priests bless the couples during marriage – that now you are no longer two but one, it doesn’t actually happen on that very day. The process of becoming one just begins with the sacrament of marriage. As long as the couple remains as two different entities, all that they come across will become hurts and wounds. 

Marriage gradually evolves as a loving relationship as we move from falling in love in the early stage of marriage with its virtually inevitable conflicts and finally into a long-term stage of enduring love when we use each conflict as an opportunity to build a stronger and more loving relationship.

Dominic: When we begin a new family, we wish to build it based on our convictions and policies. Unnecessary celebrations and customs often annoy me and I fail to convince my family in such situations. My sister consoles me saying that it's all a part of humbling ourselves.

Anoop: My wife was recently sent home for delivery. I actually didn’t approve of it personally, but I could relate to the sentiments of my in-laws to take care of their only daughter during her first delivery; I gave into their sentiments despite what I felt. Sometimes this is also needed when we interact with family members. 

George VM: You can stick on to your convictions when your intention is pure, but I would appreciate what Anoop did as it's an extra mile in love taught by Jesus Christ. We could be lenient to the customs and interests of our family members unless it leads to a sin. For e.g., when serving liquor in family functions is a custom, you can strongly disagree and be stern with your stand as its outcome is sin.

Parenting

Deepu: As young parents another major challenge before us is Catholic parenting. We definitely wish to raise our kids in faith and righteousness. But concerns whether we are enough to give them the best arise when we enter parenthood.

George VM: Parenting is important. We are gifted with God’s children and it’s our responsibility to provide them the best within our limits. Children respond to examples better. We should constantly reform ourselves to be good examples before them. But this is not easy for normal human beings like us along with our day to day struggles. That’s where we receive help, as Catholics, through the Word of God, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, the good counsel of others, and Church teaching (CCC 1785). 

Mass is also an immersive opportunity for our reformation. The Penitential Rite helps us examine our conscience as we acknowledge our failures. The Liturgy of the Word helps form our conscience as we listen to Scripture. And throughout the Mass, we receive a concrete example of how to live in good conscience as we contemplate Jesus' life, death, and resurrection.

Ann: I have noticed that though we give our children the best, they receive it and respond to it according to their personalities. I find it interesting to see my two kids evolving as two totally different entities though we gave them the same resources and background.

George VM: Catholics are challenged to ask, ‘Of all the different ways I can raise my kids and organise my family life, what choices enable me to do the best job I can of bearing witness to the embodied self-giving and call to intimacy that rests at the heart of the Catholic vision of love?’

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six jam rolls.

 ‘Your wife must like rolls,’ he said. 

‘How do you know these are for my wife?’ I asked. 

‘Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.’

George VM lives in Kodungallur, India and is a professor at MES Asambi College there.

Newly married? Keep this in mind!

• Thank God always for putting them in your life.

• Listen to the other until you understand the other side. 

• Do not compare your partner to others.

• Keep your secrets to yourselves. 

• Attempt only to solve one thing at a time. 

• Do not bring up issues from the past. 

• Be as specific as possible in what you mean and want.

• Be the first to say sorry. 

• Pray together daily at a fixed time.

• Eat, sleep, and take care of yourself and those in your care.

Saint Teresa of Calcutta said that if we wish to change the world, we have to go home and love our family.