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PARENTING AND FORMATION OF CHILDREN'S SEXUALITY | KAIROS GLOBAL | JUNE 2024
Author: Abigail Foard
Intro: Abigail Foard shows parents how they can affirm the children’s sexuality and gender identity.
St Pope John Paul II writes: ‘Faced with a culture that largely reduces human sexuality to…something commonplace…the educational service of parents must aim firmly at a training in the area of sex that… [leads] the person to the gift of self in love.’1
Parents must take seriously the task of securing children in their sexuality and gender identity.
Three key considerations for parents:
1. Being Clear
In a confusing cultural landscape, parents must help children make sense of the goodness of his/her gender and sexuality. The good news is we have much good information at our disposal!
Theologically, Theology of the Body is a great help. St John Paul II helps make sense of God’s vision for our masculine/ feminine sexuality and is a helpful resource for parents seeking to guide their children well.2
Psychologically, parents need a developmental framework for sexual and relational maturity. Understanding the needs and goals of the four stages of child development can help parents lead appropriately in different life stages.
0-2 years old: In this stage, a child is totally dependent on a caregiver. Mothers secure the child in meaningful existence. Babies internalise: ‘I’m seen, known and loved, and it’s good that I exist!’ We learn trust and security as we are fed, held, soothed and protected. Mother’s eye contact and affectionate presence imparts connection and well-being. This security is foundational to a child’s ability to feel ‘at home’ in his or her body.
But what of a mother who is depressed, abused, stressed, or absent? Struggling mothers may have difficulty meeting the needs of their children. In these cases, children can experience a chronic sense of emptiness/ deprivation. They may feel anxious, fearful, ‘out of place,’ alone, and live grasping (often through relational, sexual, or substance addictions) in an attempt to fill their primal hunger/ need.
3-5 years old: The father becomes more important now. His presence supports the mother but begins to reveal to a child that (s)he is ‘other’ than her. The father uses his voice to affirm and bless the identity of the child, helping set boundaries that protect the child as (s)he begins to explore the world. Children with good-enough fathers learn confidence and feel secure in their goodness as a boy or girl.
When fathers are absent, addicted, unsafe or abusive, children do not experience man as a strong and tender presence, but can develop a fear of/ resistance to the masculine. For girls, this can provoke a hunger for the masculine, but perhaps an inability to recognise good men. For boys, poor fathering can create feelings of fear or ambivalence towards the ‘masculine,’ or a detachment from their same-gender parent. In either case, the lack of a good masculine presence will disrupt a child’s sense that they are ‘good’ in their gender gift.
6-11 years old: School age children discover the importance of same-gender friendships. Children learn that they are good enough boys and girls through the feedback from their same-gender peers. When included/chosen/wanted in school or play, children develop a confidence that ‘I belong’ with the boys or girls.
Lies about how we were ‘named’ by our peers (‘you’re ugly, fat, un-athletic, stupid, you don’t belong,’ etc.) can wound us and impact our self-definition. Exposure to pornography, childhood sex play, or sexual abuse is also common. All these experiences may have distorted or shamed us, and can create a ‘template’ for future self-definition, addictions, and/or unwanted behaviours.
For some, confusion about same-sex relationships or gender insecurity begins in these years, a sense of feeling ‘other than’ or ‘different.’ This can create an eroticisation of those who we feel ‘different from’ even if they are the same gender. Parents should help their children navigate the impact of particular wounding or insecurities.
12-17 years old: As children move into puberty/teenage years, successful same-gender friendships help launch them as a good gift to the ‘other’ gender. Youth begin to notice the opposite gender, and need guidance in the best ways to engage with them! The father’s voice becomes important again. As girls navigate interactions with interested boys and boys begin to ‘see’ girls as desirable, the father encourages and gives vision for healthy sexual/relational engagement with limits. This can mean helping kids overcome the draw to pornography and masturbation or affirming the value of their bodies and sexuality. Young women need reminders that their dignity is to be cherished and young men need to learn the gift of self-control.
Parents who are clear on the framework for ‘becoming’ a healthy man/ woman can affirm the goodness of their children’s gender gift and help make sense of needs at each stage of sexual and relational development.
2. Being Free
Many of us had little sexual/relational instruction. Most learn about sex through curiosity and exploration: I found pornography at my grandparent’s house, read through books written during the 1970s’ sexual revolution, and a young girl invited me into sex ‘play.’ All were poor representations of God’s best and left me ashamed and confused.
My sexual brokenness magnetised shame and self-hatred. It was essential that I faced my own wounds before attempting to lead others. I joined a local Living Waters group and brought my sin and shame to Jesus. After attending a Desert Stream Ministries training, I grew in grace to help others struggling with sin/brokenness.3
To instruct children well, we must confront our own brokenness. We must acknowledge shame and wounding from promiscuity, adultery, pornography, abuse, same sex attraction, or gender insecurity.
Healing is not easy, but ignoring our wounds runs the risk of being fearful, condemning or avoidant when we encounter our children’s sexual struggles. They can sense that! Having a community that knows our brokenness helps us walk free of shame and sin. For me, Living Waters has been a wonderful space for this healing.
Allowing Jesus into our sexual ‘mess’ enables us to walk with our children in theirs: it keeps us humble and compassionate and gives courage to calmly address their needs.
3. Being Wise and Hopeful
A friend told me a story about her six-year-old son, whose classroom peers gave him the ‘birthday gift’ of showing him their penises at recess. The son told the teacher. She was horrified but the mother was proud that he understood that the exposure was inappropriate.
A mother of three boys, my friend is no stranger to (at times) comical displays of body parts and bathroom talk. She was neither shocked nor horrified, but used the opportunity reinforce the goodness of her son’s body and clarified the appropriate times for exposing its sacredness. He was unscathed!
In a similar way, a father found pornography in his teenage son’s room. He didn’t panic or become angry. He understood the allure and devastation of porn and told his son how it diminished his own dignity and the dignity of others, especially women. Together they had a ‘burning party’, setting the offensive materials ablaze.
A mother’s post on ‘X’ shared that her son, watching her put on makeup, asked why she did that. When she answered ‘because…it makes me feel pretty,’ he said, ‘I want to wear makeup too.’
Some might ‘take his request as some kind of hint that he’s really a girl,’ but this mother sensed that ‘actually he just wanted to look nice too. So I helped him dress up in his nicest holiday suit…so he could feel handsome.’
She knew her son ‘wasn’t telling me [he] was a girl— All he wanted was to feel special with his mom.’4 This mother understood her son’s needs and responded appropriately.
These parents have a perspective and wisdom that helped them parent well. Aware of the world’s brokenness, they knew their children would bump against it. They were not surprised by sin or normal developments of sexuality/gender. With a clear perspective, they took normal bumps and questions in stride and maintained a hopeful vision that guided them well.
We parent best when confirmed in our own dignity as God’s sons and daughters. In the Living Waters Guidebook, Andrew Comiskey offers a blessing from our Heavenly Father over our gendered selves.5 May this be a prayer for parents and children alike.
From the beginning of time, I have called you my own. I called You to reveal me in your manhood, your womanhood. I never lost sight of the real you, even when the darkness sought to cover you. My sight remained true. Through the blood of my Son, I made a way for you to be united with the good gift of your gender, your body, the way that I have called you to reveal me in your unique personality. Let me Father you. Look neither to the left nor to the right in times of doubt about your adequacy as a man or woman. Look to me. Hear the truth of my favour upon your personhood. As I have called you into that favour, turn quickly from self-rejection and hatred. You displease me in your childish reliance upon your feelings as opposed to my unfailing acceptance.
Give quickly to Me the shame you still struggle with in regards to your gender and body. Allow My love to be yours. Abide and become strong in My favour with which I uphold you, My son and daughter whom I made and redeemed to represent Me. You do so beautifully and powerfully. I am proud of you.
References:
1 Familiaris Consortio (November 22, 1981): John Paul II, 37,
2 Also see resources by Chrisopher West, like Theology of the Body for Beginners: Rediscovering the Meaning of Life, Love, Sex, and Gender.
4 Coco, @CoClarified, ‘X’, April 20, 2024. https://twitter.com/CoClarified/status/1781886844608893062
5 Comiskey, A. (2000). Living Waters Guidebook: Restoring Relational Integrity through the Broken Body of Christ (3rd ed.), p. 136. Desert Stream Press.
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