BIRTHDAY BLUES | KAIROS GLOBAL | OCTOBER 2020

Author: Shanice Castelino

Intro: Shanice Castellino speaks of the harrowing incident that ripped her life to shreds and the redeeming power of the Father’s love that helped heal years of bitterness, hatred and self-loathing.

How often do you meet someone who truly hates their birthday? Hardly ever, isn’t it? A few years back you could check that off your list had you met me. For the longest time ever, I detested the day I was born and it had nothing to do with getting older. Unlike others kids, the sheer knowledge of my birthday drawing closer filled me with disgust.  

On my 5th birthday, my teacher sent all the “birthday babies” in class to distribute chocolates to other members of the staff. I remember how dutifully we visited each class, taken around by a peon. Just before heading back to class, we were asked if we wanted to go do susu. Another skinny girl in a pink frock and I said ‘yes’, so we were taken to the toilet –  where one after another, we received our first experience of the male genitalia. There was no pain, no crying, just a vacant cluelessness, that both “Pinky” and I witnessed. That grotesque scene had haunted me for years.  

The next episode was one where “Pinky” ditched me. Somehow that day, I was the only one on the chocolate distribution round wearing a horrible grey velvet skirt-top. The peon must’ve guessed that I was a naïve and quiet 2nd grader, for this time the process was repeated in the 3rd floor peon’s room, in great detail. Again, no pain, no crying, just loathing. His face haunted me. I wonder if every person has a face for evil, because I sure thought so. As strange as it may seem, I could only be thankful about his extreme caution to not penetrate or mutilate me. This is how my journey of hatred began with men and grey velvet added to the list. 

There’s a tendency to believe that sexually abused children are those neglected by their parents. Not true. In the 5th grade, my mum sat me down and gave me my first ever sex education class, comprising of “good touch-bad touch”, sadly, a little too late for me. ‘Why didn’t you tell anyone?’ or ‘You should have reported this!’ is what I often get to hear, without people realising that you can’t raise an alarm against something that you don’t perceive as dangerous. 

Life moved on, and only later in life did I realise that the trauma had altered my basic personality. Timid, scared and highly emotional, I grew up to be a needy mess. All along I’d blame myself for what had befallen me. I grew up to be a teenager who felt empty and cheated of my innocence.  

One summer, the world changed for the thirteen-year-old me. I was sent to participate in a four-day long Catholic teen’s retreat. Post that, I was suddenly a happy, vibrant and confident girl; a version of me, that I wasn’t familiar with. I earnestly wish that I could tell you that this wasn’t true, but the experience of a gentle and kind God, had turned me inside out. While I had always struggled in my interactions with persons of the opposite sex, believing God to be a loving and forgiving father literally fixed something in me. 

My story may seem like propaganda, but it is the truth, because I cannot emphasize enough the importance of belief. My faith in God gave me hope, and hope makes it possible for one to see with the eyes of faith, the goodness in the world.  

I often meet broken individuals, people who carry heavy burdens of guilt, shame and resentment; not realising that they’re causing more harm to themselves. I too, had spent considerable time, brooding and questioning, with ever-increasing anger and regret, but I felt true freedom only in letting go. Not the “shove-it-to-the- back-of-my-mind” kind, but a conscious reflection on what really matters. You may judge me and presume that I’m weak, but I know the strength that forgiveness requires. You may say that I made an imaginary friend and talked to him, and that’s fine, for all I know is that I once was hurting, but now I’m not. 

For those who similarly suffer, I have to say that such incidents of abuse must certainly be reported. However, only you are responsible of your wellbeing, so believe dear friend – in God, in goodness or even in the power that lies within, for when in 2018, I walked into that school quadrangle and looked at that wrinkly old man in the eye, I knew that, I was now whole. 

The following poem penned by Shanice speaks about how the abuse affected her core personality and how His saving grace redeemed her.

El Roi 

So little and tiny, empty and small, 

vague and not happy at all.

When He found me,

I was a dreadful mess, 

broken into pieces, you couldn’t even guess. 

Yelling and shouting, my silent screams, 

a dead-man walking, having no dreams. 

Abused and shoved,


smothered in the darkness, feeling unloved. 

Questioning each day my worth, my purpose, 

weighing myself, in a world that’s a circus. 

My ass so fat, my face scarred, 

pimples and dry skin,
no beauty, no glow, nothing at all. 

Cursing and fighting, full of hate,


no money, no fashion sense,


disgusted by myself, a truly sorry state. 

My pot of gold, at the end of the rainbow, 

when the closed doors stopped Him,

He slipped in through the window. 

Like nectar flowed His words into my heart, 

“I’m fearfully and wonderfully made,”

which was a good start! 

He pampered me with gifts I’d never received, 

an overwhelming joy, one cannot deceive. 

Oh! So gently, He taught me to love, 

unravelling the mysteries of self-love. 

I had found perfect bliss,

for long had I waited for a love, 

that wouldn’t my simplicity dismiss. 

Goodness, kindness, grit and passion.

the power within me he revealed,


brought to light the vigorous being concealed. 

I am the way I am,
for the world needs me.

If I fail to pursue fearlessly my destiny, 

would there be another me? 

Through Him, a delightful world I see, 

in His eyes, I know the real me. 

Deliberate and unique He fashioned me,

in His eyes, I know the real me. 

A freelance writer and a travel enthusiast, Shanice Castellino works as a high school teacher at The Akanksha Foundation in Mumbai. She has been part of the youth movement since 2011.