YES, LORD | KAIROS GLOBAL | APRIL 2022

Author: Jerin George

Intro: Jerin George writes about his first born, an angel in heaven.

We recite the prayer ‘Our Father’ everyday, in which we say, ‘Thy Will be done’. We also learn the deeper meaning of this prayer in the Emmaus Course of Jesus Youth formation. But how easy is it to say YES to the Lord’s will in our daily life? 

After many years of prayer, discernment and searching, I embraced my vocation of married life in 2020. It was the biggest and sweetest YES I told the Lord when I took Blessy as my wife! To love each other in better and in worse, to stay together no matter what happens on the sea of life, is only possible by grace. We cherish this presence of the Lord in our marriage, as it takes three to get married! 

Bigger call

After a year of togetherness, our family life received a bigger call from the Lord, to be parents. We said YES to parenthood. It was so exciting to learn that we were pregnant and we began deepening our prayer and preparations. Every moment of our daily life was focused on the new family member to come! But things were going to get rough.

There were some complications in the first trimester itself and doctors labelled the pregnancy as ‘high risk’. There were a lot of medications to be taken, including injections, infusions, many days of being admitted at the hospital, much care to be given. In the fifth month scan, it was found that the baby was not growing as expected. Doctors were not in a position to guarantee that the baby would survive. Things were getting difficult for the baby inside. However, we decided to go ahead, trusting in the plans of Father God. After all, it was his child that was in the womb. We were just stewards to raise the baby for him.

Choices to make

On the evening of December 5th, things got more complicated. The baby’s movements were slowing down and Blessy was under close observation. After conducting a scan, the doctor called us both and described the situation to us. The baby’s weight was only 600 grams in the 27th week of pregnancy, which was far less than normal. Blood flow to the uterus had decreased, and there were some variations to the heartbeat. Being high risk, there were two choices ahead: operate and prematurely deliver the baby, and place in the neonatal ICU or stop the medicines and wait for the baby to die. The toughest choice of a parent’s life, but we were sure of the answer. It was our YES to save the baby, in the best possible way we could.

‘God is Gracious’

On the morning of December 6th, Blessy was taken to the operation theatre; waiting outside, tears were splashing down as I prayed that both mother and baby be safe. Those 40-45 minutes felt like days for me. Though I had a rosary in my hand, I couldn’t utter a word of prayer, it was like praying in tears, ‘Lord, let Thy Will be done’. After a while, I was called to the NICU, and was informed of the good news. The baby survived, and was a girl! They took me inside the NICU and showed her to me. There she was, lying on a table, a little baby, the smallest baby I have ever seen, connected to wires and breathing with the support of a CPAP (ventilator). Though I couldn’t see too clearly because of all the tears, I kept thanking the Lord. The doctor said that she had cried when she was taken out, which was a good sign, yet we had to be patient, to see her grow. She had a birth weight of only 560 grams. It would take her 2-3 months to gain the weight of a normal baby. After three days, Blessy got to see Gianna. It was a huge moment for Blessy to see her for the first time, while holding our hands together. We were relieved to have taken the right decision to save the baby, as she survived a tough time in the womb. We named her Gianna Mariam (Gianna means ‘God is gracious’), after the Italian saint, Gianna Beretta Molla who gave her life to save her child. 

Days of hope

Little Gianna slowly started gaining weight, taking breast milk by means of tubes, actively moving her arms and legs on the table where she lay. Our parents and friends were always there to help us with prayers and all possible support. I was surprised by a few friends who came forward with financial help, without my even asking. It felt like they too wanted a share in saving this little angel! We celebrated Christmas and New Year at the hospital. On Christmas Day, we reflected on the struggles Mary and Joseph might have faced in giving birth to Jesus, saving the baby from enemies and journeying to Egypt. We could find relief as our situation was quite similar to the Holy Family. 

As the baby became stable after a month, many tests were done as per procedure. One such test showed signs of glaucoma (eye disease) which needed specialised surgery that could only be done after a couple of months, along with an infection in the blood, some problems with the heart and brain. An open-heart surgery was needed, but could not be done for a low-weight baby. These problems affected her growth; the weight which had been increasing in her first month did not continue to. She developed some breathing problems and was placed in the CPAP again for a few days. The doctors advised against placing too much hope, as the baby had multiple problems. But we were still hopeful. Our initial thought was: why would God take Gianna back after all this! We prayed adamantly that God would save the baby and give her to us.

Gianna Mariam was baptised on 10th January 2022 inside the NICU by the priest working at the hospital, in the presence of a few nurses, Blessy and myself. After that her condition improved slightly, we believe it was the sacramental grace of baptism. Many people started praying for Gianna, including our family members, friends, nuns and priests. We believed strongly that God would answer our prayers and save her. In between, the baby was shifted from the NICU to a room with supporting facilities like oxygen and monitors. On that day, there was an intercession gathering online, with Eucharistic Adoration led by Fr Justin MSFS, the chaplain of Kottayam zone. We attended this prayer gathering, along with the baby. It was a graceful time of prayer, where 100 participants joined us in praying for the baby, most of them being JYs, including people whom we didn’t even know!

A miracle

Till then, we had been waiting for a miracle to happen. But slowly, the conviction that it was not our will that was important began to grow; that we had to let God’s will happen, even if it would be extremely painful. It seemed like God wanted to know whether we would accept his will, even in such a crushing situation, just as he had asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, his only son. Gianna’s condition got worse and gradually we began to accept that she was being called back to heaven. This was the toughest YES to say, to let her go. After living with us for 60 days, on Saturday, the morning of February 5th, baby Gianna left us peacefully and quietly. We got a chance to see her and kiss her two hours before her death. Lord, let Thy Will be done, were the words running through our minds. The miracle had happened. It was not the miracle we expected. But a greater one. The real miracle happened in us both. We learnt to surrender to God’s will. 

Way of the Cross to the cemetery

The little coffin was small and it needed only one person to carry it. It was my duty to carry her to the cemetery after a short prayer in the church. From the gate of the cemetery to the chapel inside, I carried her for the last time. It felt like the longest distance I had ever walked. Like the sacrifice asked from Abraham, it was my duty to give Gianna as an offering through my hands. The verse from the book of Job was ringing in my mind, The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised (Job 1:21). Thoughts about the Way of the Cross consoled me. After all, my pain was nothing, compared to what Jesus suffered on his way to Calvary, after saying YES to his Father’s will. As Jesus said, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me’ (Luke 9:23). In the presence of our near and dear ones, all who prayed for Gianna, we bid her goodbye.  See you in heaven, Gianna.

All this happened for a reason, for our sanctification. For gold is tested in the fire, and acceptable men in the furnace of adversity (Sirach 2:5). We are glad that we could say YES at the right time, we accepted the baby despite challenges ahead, and we thank God for all that we went through. Now we have Gianna as a little angel, who reached heaven ahead of us, interceding for us. We no longer cry for her, because we know she’s with us. And for Blessy and me, we know that God loves us, is with us. Gianna brought us closer to God in the few days she had and now she reminds us to live a life worthy enough to reach heaven, to join her. Lord, let Thy Will be done, always. Amen.