Experience : From the Darkness of Abortion to Hope in Christ ( Kairos Global, May 2026, Issue 98 )

Title: From the Darkness of Abortion to Hope in Christ

Intro

A story of redemption after pain, a story of hope after despair. In Jesus, nothing is ever lost, only everything to gain. 

Highlight

I have not forgotten my babies; I love them in my heart and my hope is to meet them one day in heaven. My first baby and the only one I saw but never held, I named Zara, my blooming flower and ray of light. The next two, John and Matthew, my heart never forgets. The fourth, Ruhani, which means filled with God’s Spirit, gave me courage to speak for all my babies because the only voice they will ever have is mine. 

Article

Have you ever wrestled with shame and pain so deep and dark that it felt safer to hide it under layers of ‘doing well,’ being in control and putting up a strong face? For me, that felt safer than anyone knowing the truth of my hurt and scared self.

Today I am here to break the silence. 

This is a story that broke me but one that is also shaping me, according to the plans God has for me, of a future filled with hope.

I come from a Hindu Brahmin family of highly educated doctors. As a child I suffered from dyslexia and home was never my safe place. I never fitted in, never really belonged and was not good enough. This childhood rejection affected me deeply. As I grew into a young adult, I was still searching for a safe place where I could belong.

In 2000, while in junior college, I fell in love with a wonderful man and at 20, got engaged to be married the following year. We were young and ignorant – never understanding the great gift and responsibility of our sexuality. That year, I underwent three abortions, without fully realising the gravity of what I did.

There were no discussions, neither by the medical team nor my partner – it was treated as the most natural thing to do because our society has normalised and legalised it. The doctors simply did a scan, and assigned a date for the procedure. The first time, I remember I was nervous. After the abortion, I recall asking the nurse if I could see what was extricated. The nurse brought the tray and in it I saw a clearly formed, tiny eight-week baby. This caused pain, and something within me felt broken. I was told not to dwell much about it, and that it would get better. This repeated two more times, but I never asked to see them again. 

Unfortunately due to many reasons, a few years later, our marriage ended in divorce. This left me confused and lonely.

At this time, I had a great career going – what the world calls ‘success,’ but I was empty inside. I got into a new relationship with a man who betrayed me many times. My life seemed bereft of meaning and hope. Desperately, I looked for answers and purpose, but the pain of this broken life was too hard to bear and I thought of giving up on life. It was at this lowest point, in May 2007, that I encountered the great mercy of Christ in a strange and unique way and gave my life to Him. I knew Jesus was the hope I had been thirsting for.

God had been busy redeeming me and my story. The conviction that I belonged to Jesus, and He would never leave or forsake me made me see life differently. My life had great value, it was not defined by my past or my circumstances. Jesus was real and very personal. The assurance of His infinite love overwhelmed me and He kept drawing me closer.

In 2009, under entirely difficult situations, leaving the abusive relationship, I was confronted with a crisis pregnancy and returned to my parental home. I explained to my family that I wanted to keep my baby because my baby mattered. My well-meaning and loving family, who I deeply respect, felt abortion was the only choice – they felt that my timing and situation were not conducive for a baby. They told me I would go on to have more children, to which I replied, ‘It will never be this one.’ While I knew the situation was difficult and challenges would be plenty, I was certain that God was with me, that I would survive and rebuild my life again.

However no one seemed to understand. Helpless, chained, and voiceless, I prayed all night before the appointment, hoping for a miracle. Why was God silent? Why was there no help? I felt abandoned by my family, but also by God. 

On the date of the appointment, I saw my baby on the scan for the last time. She was almost 13 weeks… her hands were moving. That sonography image has remained etched in my memory. 

As I was taken to the abortion table, I went cold and shivered all over knowing the horror that was to unfold. Just before anaesthesia was administered, my legs were strapped. In that moment of deep anguish, I saw a vision of the Lord crucified, His head with the crown of thorns, His face deeply troubled just like mine. He was with me, but I did not understand any of it then. He said, ‘They are not crucifying you, they are crucifying me again.’ This was my Calvary, it was the most painful moment I ever lived through. The abortion was carried out and she was taken. I felt so empty, confused, violated, wounded and angry. A month later, I had sudden profuse bleeding and needed treatment, this too left deep trauma. I fell into self-harm, resentment, unforgiveness and bitterness.

The process of letting go and surrendering these wounds into the hands of Jesus has been hard, filled with confusion and so many questions. There are still days when I go back and question that particular day. What if I had run away, she may have been alive, what if I never told anyone I was pregnant … Many are the ‘what ifs’ I ask. 

This does not mean I don't trust God, it means I am only human, who still has low and dark moments. I know God has always been in control, nothing was random and unseen by Him. Romans 8:28 says, We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. How can something good come out of such darkness? My suffering has taught me compassion. Today I can say from a heart full of love, ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do.’ And the truth is they really do not know better. Today, forgiveness is all I have to offer. Forgiveness may not always change the person or people you forgive, but it always changes you.

Post-abortion trauma reared up in many ways, in my case through depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, feeling of unworthiness, and what I struggled with most – forgiving myself. Shutting the pain and pretending I was fine did not bring me healing, it made matters worse. Healing began when I started to open those wounds to Jesus and allowed Him to look at them. When I began seeking help and speaking about the trauma, the deep wounds left. Though I am not fully healed, I know I am fully forgiven. God's mercy and forgiveness cover me and at the foot of the cross, I find my quiet strength and peace. 

I have not forgotten my babies; I love them in my heart and my hope is to meet them one day in heaven. My first baby and the only one I saw but never held, I named Zara, my blooming flower and ray of light. The next two, John and Matthew, my heart never forgets. The fourth, Ruhani, which means filled with God’s Spirit, gave me courage to speak for all my babies because the only voice they will ever have is mine. 

Fifteen years ago, in May 2010, I became Catholic. In 2012, fell in love again and married a wonderful Catholic man. I believe in marriage and love, I believe each child is a blessing and that no child deserves abortion.

In 2016, I miscarried baby David. I am a mother of eleven children, five in heaven and six I get to hold and love on earth. Adam my first born, Emma, Daniel, Anaia, Zoe, and Sasha my stepdaughter who I call, ‘born from my heart’.

To all women, who suffer the deep scars of abortion, I hope my broken story can assure you that there is forgiveness and healing; the mercy of God covers all things. To all my Catholic brothers and sisters, I earnestly urge you to approach the Sacrament of Confession with confidence – trusting in the mercy and forgiveness of God. Know that you are not judged, but when we repent and turn to God we are forgiven. 

To all my friends of other faiths, if you have lost a baby to abortion and suffer silently not knowing where to look for help, ask your community or you can reach me, I will do my best to listen. I don't know your story but it matters. You are loved by God, our loving Father who sees you and who cares.

Today my pain has a purpose. I have a small ministry, ‘That’s Love’ that reaches out to those in need to navigate such issues. We work along with The Saved Pearl foundation, an NGO in Mumbai that hosts women facing crisis pregnancies, gives them hope and a real chance to choose their child irrespective of their circumstances.

I thank God today for my story, and I pray this begins a new journey of healing not just for me...but many more. The road may be long but there is always hope in Jesus.

Author profile

Pranali Vadgaonkar spent nearly 18 years in the corporate sector, most recently serving as Head of Customer Relations for Jaguar Land Rover across India for eight years. In 2019, she chose to step away from her career to become a full-time homemaker, dedicating more time to her children and to ministry work. She now leads a small pro-life ministry called That’s Love. Pranali is married to Ivor D’Mello. She also is project head at an NGO, The Saved Pearl foundation, which helps women in crisis pregnancies to choose life and hope for their children . This mission gives her immense purpose and a meaning to her own story which God has been writing . She is a mother to 6 children and is currently homeschooling.